Man oh man.
We found out Friday (September 18) that series 9 of "Doctor Who" would be Jenna Coleman's last, but did they really have to tease us by Rory'ing her in its season premiere, "The Magician's Apprentice?"
Apparently yes, yes they did, and now we have to spend our week as nervous as Jackie Tyler every single time Rose left with Ten in the TARDIS while we wait to find out Clara's fate. But in the meantime, let's break down the major moments from the new season of "Who," from the hand mines to the final "Exterminate!"
First, a dastardly old foe was revealed.
"Doctor Who" may have left us with the warm and fuzzies at the end of "Last Christmas," but the easy-breezy Doctor (Peter Capaldi) and Clara adventures certainly didn't last long. At the beginning of "Magician's," the Doctor found himself stranded in the middle of a war-torn planet, riddled with "hand mines" -- which are exactly what they sound like, natch.
A little boy ended up stranded -- and marked for certain death -- in the middle of a field of said hand mines, so good thing Twelve showed up to save him... or did he?! To the audience's certain surprise, once the Doctor gave the boy a rousing speech on how a 1 in 1000 chance is all you need, the child revealed his name: Davros!
Next, Davros' hunt for the Doctor began.
Over the next several minutes, a classic "no one can find the Doctor" scenario played out, quite hilariously. A mysterious, quite ugly fellow by the name of Colony Sarff -- a fellow made entirely out of snakes -- traversed the galaxy in search of Twelve on Davros' behalf, while on the home-front, a mysterious force made every single plane on the planet freeze in time, seemingly to grab the Doctor's attention. (Which was a bad thing, as moments before, Davros had instructed Sarff to "first seek his friends" if he wanted to find Twelve. Uh-oh.)
... And so did Missy's!
On Sunday morning, "Doctor Who" fans will likely have one name on their lips and one name only: it's Missy's (Michelle Gomez)! Yeah yeah, hey Missy! As it turns out, the formerly dead baddie was the one who froze the planes -- an innocent "parlor trick" -- to get Clara and UNIT's attention, since she too could not find Twelve. This was troubling, as he had just left his last will and testament at her metaphoric doorstep, so she figured he felt he was about to die. (A gift left for a "best friend," much to the chagrin of Clara.)
It must be said that "Who" has definitely revamped Missy's character for series nine -- she was definitely amusing as last year's big bad, but her one-liners in "Magician's Apprentice" are some next level stuff, and her banter with Clara was the highlight of the episode. She's still bad -- a fact she reminded us of when she murdered two innocent men -- but she's also on the Doctor's side, and did her best to help Clara and UNIT locate him back in the Dark Ages. Which brings us to...
Then Doctor threw a rock-and-roll party... for himself.
In a very strange and extremely amusing sequence of events, Clara and Missy managed to track the Doctor using what they knew of his ways -- they knew he'd be on Earth if he thought he was going to die, and they knew he'd go to a place and time that wasn't in the midst of a conflict, so that he could relax and have fun. They located him using this information and UNIT's Doctor-tracker, and poof! Back in time our new Thelma and Louise went.
When they arrived in the Dark Ages -- at some sort of tournament, it seemed -- Missy told Clara to search for him using anachronisms. They found them pretty quickly, as out the Doctor came, "Mad Max"-style, playing an electric guitar on top of a tank, asking his adoring crowd to chant the word "dude." This strangely devil-may-care Doctor -- it's how he acts when he thinks he's done for, according to Missy -- then played "Pretty Woman" when he noticed Clara and Missy, which was a blast, but the fun ended when Colony Sarff showed up, revealing to the Doctor and his pals that Davros was dying and needed to speak with him. Sarff had the Sonic Screwdriver, so consider the Doctor sold.
But soon enough, Davros' treachery was revealed.
Sarff soon took Clara, the Doctor, and Missy to the older Davros' spaceship-slash-death bed, where the Doctor was immediately taken to meet with the Daleks' vicious creator. He hinted to Missy that something was off with the ship's gravity before Sarff carted him off, but Missy had already noticed -- and soon found out that they were really on a planet, as the whole spaceship thing had been some sort of perception filter. And the planet, to everyone's horror, was the Dalek home of Skaro.
In other words... it's a trap!
... And then Clara and Missy were exterminated.
Look -- do we think the Clara will be dead beyond the opening minutes of next week's episode, "The Witch's Familiar?" No, we definitely do not. Do we think Missy will be dead beyond the opening minutes of next week's episode, "The Witch's Familiar?" Possibly. But either way, the Doctor is going to be pissed that he fell for yet another Davros/Dalek ruse.
While the Doctor began his conversation with the boy he may or may not have saved at the beginning of the boy's war-torn life -- did he visit him this one last time out of compassion, or shame? -- Clara and Missy came face-to-face with everyone's favorite race of murder-bots that look like salt shakers. Missy tried to save the day by convincing them that they needed her in order to fly the TARDIS, but the Daleks DGAF -- they quickly exterminated Missy, followed soon by Clara, while the Doctor watched helplessly in Davros' chamber.
Which would have been enough of a cliffhanger on its own, but nope: "Doctor Who" had more in store. We quickly flashed back to the earlier scene with little Davros, and learned that the Doctor had abandoned Davros so many years before (for Davros, anyway). However, seconds later, a later version of the Doctor came back -- and announced to little Davros, "I'm going to save my friend -- exterminate!"