Here's Why Disney Princesses Are The Reason I'm Single And Alone And Sad
For decades, Disney princesses have been seen as role models and icons for young children, starting back in 1937 with the OG Disney princess Snow White. Growing up, I connected more so with the female animals in Disney films, such as Nala from "The Lion King," Olivia from "The Great Mouse Detective" and even Miss Bianca from "The Rescuers" series. Why? Because these ladies didn't spend the majority of their films pining after a man and true love and all that crap. They were busy getting stuff done, righting wrongs and kicking some serious ass.
Looking back on the plethora of princesses Disney produced, it's shocking to me these inadvertent dating tips were just casually tossed in the films. It's even more astounding these tips actually worked for the princesses. Had anyone who's not animated actually tried them, things probably wouldn't have turned out well.
"Calm down, they're only cartoons," you're probably thinking — and you're absolutely right. BUT, you have to admit, Disney created some pretty questionable dos and don'ts for the dating world.
It's totally romantic for your Prince Charming to kiss your presumably dead body.
Nope, nothing remotely creepy about that. It's, dare we say, charming that he'd go to all that trouble to kiss a corpse. I mean, you are supposed to be with the person in sickness and in health.
It's "no big deal" if your prince doesn't remember what you look like, only if you have great taste in shoes.
You may be his one true love, but I guess he'll actually recognize you as a person after the wedding bells chime. Even better, he sends over someone else to do the work for him. One true love or not, are you actually worth the effort it'll take to ride out and see if the glass slipper even fits?
If a random dude wants you to follow him deeper into a forest — all alone — it just means he likes you.
Clearly, Princess Aurora, aka Briar Rose, didn't attend Safety School as a child. "Stranger Danger" is a thing, and she just sang and danced her way right past it.
You need to completely change who you are to get a guy to like you.
What made Ariel unique was that she was a freakin' mermaid. Living in the ocean her entire life helped make her who she is. But then a hot boy comes around and suddenly she's begging a super shady sea witch to get rid of her most distinctive attribute. M'kay. Great.
Just because your prince kidnaps your father doesn't mean he's a "bad guy."
The Beast only committed a felony, but whatevs. He shared his feelings and did that "Tale as Old as Time" dance, and suddenly all was immediately forgiven.
If your prince thinks you're "a prize to be won," then quickly apologizes after getting caught, true love is still there.
All right, now this one ended up actually working in Jasmine's favor, but only because Aladdin (aka Al, Din or Laddie) turned out not to be a total creep, unlike Jafar. But, in the real world, this might be a strong indication of someone's true colors.
Being called a "savage" by your prince isn't racist, it just means you need some work.
After the eloquent John Smith tells Pocahontas, "Savage is just a word, uh, you know. A term for people who are uncivilized," he pretty much destroys his chances with her. Once you call your squeeze a derogatory, racist term, the relationship is probably over, right? Nope. She eventually saves his life and they live happily ever after.
If you're abandoned in the snowy, freezing mountains by your prince, but then he shows up to your house after you save China, it's cool to date him.
I realize this lesson is oddly specific, but hear me out. Shang found out his troops' savior was a *gasp* woman, and then just up and left her. After she does his job for him, he comes crawling back, hoping for a second chance. Pfft.
It's acceptable for your love to be bought.
The song "Can't Buy Me Love" is clearly a lie. Yes, Prince Naveen was desperate to not live out his days as a frog, but he took advantage of another desperate person, Tiana, tossing the idea of money in her face when she needed it most. Basically, he got what he wanted by paying for it. Sort of.
Dating a wanted man is a turn on.
For starters, Eugene "Flynn Rider" Fitzherbert is a thief and a liar, and there's an obvious warrant out for his arrest. I mean, he didn't kill a man or anything, but still. He's done some shady business, yet Rapunzel is all, "Whatevs, take me to the floating lanterns and I'll just look the other way about your, uh, situation." It worked out for this couple, since Flynn wasn't actually a dirtbag, but that's not always gonna be the case.
Spending five minutes with a guy is more than enough time to realize you're in love and need to get married.
During this two minutes and seven seconds long song, Anna and Hans sing about how "love is an open door" and how it's crazy they met each other and are so in synch. You know what's crazy? Deciding to get married in the same day as meeting the person.
...Though to be fair, that's later a major plot point of the movie, so one point to "Frozen." You won this round, Disney!