This is not a hoax, but it's hard to believe: Macaulay Culkin turns 35 years old today. We're a long way from cheese pizza, aftershave phobias, and taking down bandits with ruthless efficiency.

But let's try and move back toward the taking out the bad guys thing. "Home Alone" was long ago, but Kevin McCallister is forever. The Wet Bandits are forever. The Sticky Bandits are forever. And Kevin systematically destroying the Wet/Sticky Bandits is — you guessed it — FOREVER.

Join me for a walk down memory lane (mind the Christmas ornaments by the window) as we look back on every single trap that Kevin set for Harry and Marv in "Home Alone" and "Home Alone 2: Lost in New York." Here they are, from worst to best — and no, we're not counting anything other than Kevin's war on the Wet/Stickies, otherwise the pizza delivery boy would be top of the list. That was pure genius.

Shoveling Praise

With all due respect to Kevin, his final master stroke against the Wet Bandits wasn't really HIS master stroke: The Shoveler came in and saved the day in the eleventh hour. But kudos to Kevin for having the guts to overcome his phobia of bearded strangers — even if it's not the best survival mechanism on the surface, it certainly worked out this Christmas.

Feed the Birds

Sorry, Bird Lady. Same deal as the Shoveler. Awesome job with the bird feed, and I certainly applaud your courage, but moving forward, Kevin must be feted on his own direct merits.

Get Him to the Grease

It's always funny when the bad guy falls down.

Trip Wire

See? They tripped! Hilarious!

Car Wreck

Oh man they're on the ground again! Unbelievable!

The Tool Bag

Not the worst thing that's ever happened to Harry's head.

With an Emphasis on the Ladder

The climb is all there is.

The Pitch

An invitation for war? I accept.

He-Saw See-Saw

This really could have killed Harry.

The Paint Job

Did you hear that sound?

The Tool Chest

That was the sound of a tool chest falling down the stairs.

1-800-Flours

"I'm gonna murder that kid."

Harry Balls

The first shot fired in the war between Kevin and the Wet/Stickies. Respect the original.

Right Between The Eyes

The second shot. Respect the immediate follow-through.

The Slip and Slide

Simple, but effective.

Brick House

Four bricks to the face. How Marv did not die from this, I will never know.

Bathroom Break

BRB, gotta go stick my flaming head in a toilet filled with flammable fluids.

Two for the Iron Price of One

That's… four.

Tales From the Ornament

Visually classic.

The Tar Heel State

Why the hell did he take off his shoes?

Birdman: Or (The Unexpected Virtue of Harry's Ignorance)

Why the hell is he dressed like a chicken?

Have You Seen My Stapler?

Yes, I have. It's in your face, butt, and crotch.

The Falling Iron

That's going to leave a mark.

Murphy's Law

Kevin's first rational act: Calling the cops, albeit a little bit late. The delivery of the phone call is absolutely priceless: "Help. My house is being robbed. My address is 656 Lincoln Boulevard. My name is Murphy." Indeed it is, Murphy. Indeed it is.

The Sweet Escape

Turning your own escape mechanism into a weapon. Doesn't get much more brilliant than that, Kevin, unless…

The Fire Escape

THAT'S why somebody would soak a rope in kerosene.

Harry! I've Reached The Top!

Wow. What a hole.

Too Hot to Handle

Burned into my memories, and Harry's hand, forever.

The Spider, Man!

Kevin has to improvise here, gambling that just about anyone would be scared of a spider on their face. Bonus points: Marv is so frightened that he turns against his ally, slamming a crowbar into Harry's chest after he thinks he sees the spider again. That's some in-your-head scare tactics right there.

The Paint Bucket Challenge

Adios, Harry's gold tooth.

This Harry's On Fiiiiiire

I cracked up for 10 minutes straight after watching this the other night. Incredible.

The Head Games

Every lightbulb could be a blowtorch, every rope an iron, every toilet loaded with gasoline, every door handle attached to a stapler, every stair case loaded with battering rams, every rope attached to something painful. The booby traps themselves were deadly, but nothing was deadlier than the psychological warfare young Kevin waged upon the Wet/Sticky bandits.

Nothing… except for the deadliest booby trap of them all:

The Kill Switch

Finally, we arrive at the booby trap that isn't just a booby trap, but an actual death machine. Kevin, wearing his meanest murder face, watches from the corner as his device thoroughly electrocutes Marv. He casually increases the dial until it's powerful enough to literally turn Marv into a skeleton. This is the one where Kevin crossed the line, proving that not only was this a house apartment he had to defend, but these were intruders he had to straight up kill. It's not his fault that Marv's flesh and organs regenerated immediately; apparently he boasts a healing factor that would impress even Wolverine. On any other normal man, this would have been the end of the line, and Kevin would be walking away from the scene of the crime as a genuine killer. The cost on his soul would have been worth it, the taste of blood in his mouth irreversible. This would have been the day Kevin McCallister died... and Murphy was truly born.