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Delete Your Account: America Horror Show

This week, the whole country needs to get deleted

Delete Your Account is USUALLY a weekly column that takes the hot air out of celebrities and their social media shenanigans. Every Friday, I decide whether each perpetrator should delete their accounts and never grace the internet again. But this week, all of America needs to get deleted. You made Barack Obama utter the words "President-elect Donald Trump" and I will honestly never forgive my country for this. But who is responsible?

CHRIS CILLIZZA

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Oh, really, Chris Cillizza? There's nothing more maddening? How about the fact that so many white people voted for Trump that I now have to enter every room greeting them with, "Good morning, fellow Trump voters!" just so I don't get hate-crimed on the spot? You know what's actually maddening? Insisting that race played no factor in voting for Donald Trump. You can't acknowledge that a man is a racist fearmonger, vote for him, then say, "I only care about economic issues!" Is it poor, working-class white people in America's Rust Belt who overwhelmingly voted for Trump? No, not really. White people who voted for Trump earn higher salaries than the black and Latino people who voted for Hillary Clinton. You think it's only the white people in the town from Footloose who care about jobs? Black and brown people care about jobs and we make less than our white counterparts, so if "economic worries" were the reason people voted for Donald Trump, shouldn't we have voted for him too? We could have, but we also decided to not vote for the man who swiveled around in his game show chair and shouted, "Mexicans are rapists!" while the studio audience collectively roared.

White people have forever struggled with being called "racist" when they do racist shit. You know there's levels to this shit, right? You can be racist while not burning crosses in black people's front yards. Because voting for a man who ran on a platform of racism makes you racist. Sorry, these are the breaks. And if you're shocked that there can be 59 million racist people in America, are you sure you even live here?

NATE SILVER

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Nate Silver and his stats-driven polling site, FiveThirtyEight, claimed Trump had no chance of winning the GOP nomination. After all, Silver called 2008 and 2012! He's great at cold, hard math. But then Trump got the nomination. But it's OK, because he'd get it right during the election, right? Not really. He was least wrong, I guess, but polling was a fucking disaster during this election. Probably because most people aren't going to come out and say BTW I AM RACIST AND DRINK WHOLE MILK, but that's just my guess. Can we not do this next time? Which is why I'm sipping prosecco right now and celebrating President-elect Clinton at this very … oh, wait.

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SHOULD NATE DELETE HIS ACCOUNT? Nate needs to do less tweeting and more updating his LinkedIn.

PEOPLE MAGAZINE

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Hahahahahah. Go fuck yourself, People.

There is thirsty, and then there is wandering in the desert for 40 fucking years with Moses levels of thirst. Not even 24 hours pass and y'all already dropping a glossy cover with Trump on it? Didn't this man assault one of your reporters? But who cares about sexual assault when you can be the first magazine to get in bed with the Cheeto administration? This is exactly the type of shit everyone was talking about during the election cycle. Normalizing rape, sexual assault, and racism. "You're hired!" "Astonishing journey!" We already know about his journey — it involves describing sexual assault, it involves harassing women publicly, and it involves ASSAULTING ONE OF YOUR REPORTERS.

You're canceled, People. You're over. You might as well sell your magazine to Trump and become Trump Magazine, because nobody else is playing your reindeer games anymore. Because it's not just this. It's shit like this too:

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Got any photos of Ivanka reading all the news reports about her father's rape and assault allegations? This is pretty disgusting. In an age where Trump has made it clear what he thinks about the media and shown how far he might go to censor people who accurately depict him, People has decided, "Why bother?" Treat him like a celebrity! Here's a question. Are there any glossy spreads for Nate Parker coming up? Woody Allen? Bill Cosby? Just because this man was elected president, all the sins of his past are washed away so you can sell some covers to the KKK? Well, I guess Nixon was right. "When the president does it, that means it is not illegal."

SHOULD PEOPLE DELETE ITS ACCOUNT?

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VIRGINIA DEMOCRATS

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This shit again? Everyone from President Obama to the random guy you hooked up with at a Halloween party is telling people that they need to "come together" and be the better person amid all of this. So let's donate to the party that wants to oppress the people you purport to care about, just because you don't condone vandalism. If you didn't vandalize the office, then why the fuck do you care? Mind your own damn business! Didn't anybody learn from North Carolina? They were busy trying to be the "better person" and donated money to a North Carolina GOP office that got firebombed and fucked around and lost their Democratic Senate seat. Y'all keep playing with people backed by the KKK and see where it leaves you. And see where the black and Latino people who are the backbone of your party end up when they're sick of you pandering to people who hate them.

SHOULD THE VIRGINIA DEMOCRATS DELETE THEIR ACCOUNT? I think this response from the Virginia GOP says more than I could.

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KELLYANNE CONWAY

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Honestly, Kellyanne Conway has looked like she's been trying to stay away all election so that Freddy Krueger can't kill her in her sleep, so she better update that bio! Honestly, I love this pathologically lying scammer. She's the real reason Trump won and now she can take a much-needed nap. "We" won? Change that shit to "I won" and drink a ZzzQuil cocktail, sis.

SHOULD KELLYANNE DELETE HER ACCOUNT?

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PRESIDENT-ELECT DONALD TRUMP

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Ah, our first set of tweets from President-elect Trump! No surprises here. What the fuck is a professional protester, Trump? I've protested many times after black people have been killed by the police, and there's been so many of these, I must be a professional now, right? Where's my check? I'm all about that freelance life. Especially if I can get in on this "incited by the media" money! You mean CNN is out here paying people to protest Trump? Sign me up!

Oh, wait, none of this is true at all. Because of course winning a presidential election didn't somehow make Trump less of a lying scammer.

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Clearly, his team once against wrested his phone from his hands and made him tweet a retraction (without deleting the previous one, because they are still hopelessly disastrous amateurs). But I wish they would issue a retraction for the worst thing he has ever tweeted:

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"Mrs. O?" Don't you ever refer to Michelle LaVaughn Robinson Obama as "Mrs. O" as long as you live, you tangerine.

SHOULD DONALD DELETE HIS ACCOUNT? This is not a man who needs a Twitter account. The next four years are going to be a social media nightmare for his team, and deleting Trump's account needs to be their first priority.

CHAD SPODICK

Anyway, speaking of reality show monsters, I didn't recap Finding Prince Charming this week because it was the reunion show. But thank god for utterly unhinged contestant Chad Spodick and the invention of social media. Because after enduring a season of anthropomorphic Royal Dansk cookie tin Robert Sepúlveda Jr. masquerade as a human being, I needed nothing more than Chad utterly eviscerating him on Instagram after the reunion aired.

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The full text:

"Reunion Recap.. I just have to get this off my chest. Since the word “authentic” was used so many times on the show Finding Prince Charming by that fraud of a bachelor. I think it’s time that someone heeds to their own advice. How about being authentic that you’re still hooking. It’s been proven many times that you are. Also branding yourself as an “interior designer” when we all know that is a completely, and poorly, manufactured FAKE business, I mean, your portfolio speaks for itself. How about coming clean that you embezzled over $40K from the Atlanta rainbow crosswalks project. I just happen to be friends with some of the donors. They want their money back! Also, stealing Rolex’s off the nightstand of your hookups. How about being authentic about the fact that you have physically abused your partners in every relationship that you have had, including and not limited to launching blunt objects at their head, like a computer. How about being authentic about the fact that you actively pursued me, Brandon, Eric and Paul right after the show wrapped. How about being authentic about seeing your Johns while with Eric and Brandon. Oh, and last but definitely not least, how about that time you pursued me a DAY after you were with Eric to try and hook up with me in Chicago during market days after saying you were not with anyone. Just to be very clear, none of us knew about Roberts past and consequently, his present about being a rent boy. Here’s a lovely pic of Robert and I at Market Days in Chicago. For the record, he tried to sleep with me. But even then, without knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t go near that science experiment. And by science experiment I’m talking about his penis. I insisted that we should just cuddle. Stop LYING! Peace out you sociopathic ho! #realtalk #thetruth #exposed"

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I. AM. SHOOK. Where was this drama on Finding Prince Charming? Them hustlers keep on talking on social media when they should have been doing it on the SHOW. This man said that Robert is still hookin', that he's out here stealing ROLEXES? What is this, the Grindr Crown Affair?! Robert has threatened to sue "online bullies" before, but he's been surprisingly quiet since this Instagram dropped last night. To be fair, everyone on the reunion collectively decided Chad is off his rocker, so maybe it's best to just ignore him? I love the pettiness of this, but also, sis, you could've said this during the reunion to Robert's face too. This is kind of spineless and thirsty, when you really think about it, which is terrifying to me. Because being a spineless, petty, reality show contestant who doesn't know how to control his emotions on social media probably means Chad is going to be our next president in 2020.

SHOULD CHAD DELETE HIS ACCOUNT? Not a chance in hell. I mean, I loved Robby on the show, but clearly Chad needs to be the next Prince Charming. Come on, LOGO, don't let me down.

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