Let's just get it out of the way: I am a human who has never seen "Scream."
Yes, yes, I know. I'm a certified movie wuss who frequently has to take a break during scary movies, and often avoids them altogether. When I saw "The Ring" in theaters, actual tears were shed, and I made my parents unplug the TV and turn it toward the wall before I would even enter my room, to give you an idea of my usual reaction to horror.
So of course I watched "Scream," perhaps the modern classic horror movie, for the first time last night, to prep for MTV's "Scream," which is premiering on June 30. And, yes, I did watch a lot of it through my fingers.
I've been spoiled for a lot of stuff, including Ghostface's identity (though, as you'll see, I had to refresh myself on that one), but guess what? I still watched this with the lights on and a reliable movie buddy who had seen it a billion times by my side.
Here are 16 inane questions I had while watching "Scream" for the first time.
Spoilers for "Scream," obviously.
So all of this could have been avoided if she'd had an unlisted phone number? Landlines are a hazard.
Why is Drew Barrymore engaging this guy in scary movie chats? Terrible idea. (Unless your idea is to get murdered.)
Here's an idea: "Do you like scary movies?" "Nah." MOVIE OVER.
Poor Steve. Not a question, but here's one: if she's lying about even having a boyfriend, shouldn't he have broken up with her before she got him murdered for no reason?
You died for nothing, Stove.
Where did her lipstick go? Does she think taking off her '90s lipstick is going to stop her from getting murdered? Because I think it probably won't.
Who's the murderer? I'm just gonna go ahead and Google this.
What's up with that neon suit? The '90s weren't that long ago.
Now that we know who the murderer is, on to the real questions.
Can't this guy find a new schtick? "Do you like scary movies?" Do you like new questions?
How did they think canceling classes was going to help things? Or is this just a liability thing that high schools do for insurance purposes?
Was there a non-sparkly version of the costume available?
It's notably shimmery.
Uh-oh, the Fonz is gonna die, isn't he? Yep.
Billy? Whaaaat a dud.
Why is Matthew Lillard like this?
Why is this happening?
Is it just me, or is Matthew Lillard having too much fun? It's getting weird.
She forgot her dad? Matthew Lillard made her forget her dad? He's been tied up in the closet, and she just...forgot?
Oh, OK. The end! Sequel time!
"Scream" premieres on MTV on June 30.