Can you believe that the premiere of "American Horror Story: Hotel" is already a thing of the past? (Like, the actual past, since some of the literally heart-stopping action took place in the '90s.)
MTV News loved watching every bananas moment of Wednesday night's episode "Checking In," from Lady Gaga's fantastically choreographed blood orgy to the horror show that was two Euro-chicks getting reverse "Hostel"'d in the U S of A. Basically, it looks like we're going to have another season of supernatural scares mixed with good old fashioned gore to look forward to, and I couldn't be more pumped to see what happens next. (Especially if it involves Finn Wittrock, Angela Bassett, and Evan Peters, who were all absent from this already stuffed to the brim episode.)
So until we meet again next week, here's what went down when Gaga came to town in "Checking In":
Our first unlucky travelers arrived.
You can't begin a horror movie these days -- or a TV show, for that matter -- without a poor, unlucky Drew Barrymore-type kicking off the action with a violent death. In "Hotel" we had two of them, a pair of leggy blonde foreigners (Swedes?) named Vendela and Agnetha, who were only unlucky enough to check in to the Hotel Cortez because they wanted to check out Universal Studios Hollywood, which is a tragedy in and of itself because Harry Potter Land isn't even open yet.
Anyway, once the cold and bespectacled Iris (Kathy Bates) took them to their wi-fi free room, a number of freaky-deaky things started to happen -- most notably, some pale blonde children began running through the hallways, and a foul smell emerged from the bed. Vendela and Agnetha found the source of the smell in the mattress, and when they tore it open to see what was inside, a terrifying demon emerged. (Yeah, this show moves quick.)
The ladies had their room changed, but the luxury suite upgrade wasn't really an upgrade at all, as it led to one of the women having her blood drained by those same creepy pale blonde children. Of course it only got worse from there, as Iris captured the screaming duo, put them in cages, and made them drink a cocktail of livers and kidneys and all sorts of stuff to improve their "taste." One escaped (and to be honest, they look so much alike that I can't really determine who this unlucky lady was), only to promptly have her throat slit by Lady Gaga's Countess. (More on her in a second.)
Schmidt from "New Girl" met the Addiction Demon.
Our next unlucky guest at the Cortez was Gabriel (Max Greenfield), a heroin addict whose blue eyes and square jaw instantly attracted the attention of Cortez resident Hypodermic Sally (Sarah Paulson). Unfortunately for him, he also ended up in that same room as the Euro-ladies with the demon in the bed -- and in a move that will surely have Twitter talking, Gabriel was brutally raped by the demon and his horrifying, drill-bit dildo. The demon only quit when Sally forced Gabriel to say "I love you," though the nightmares we'll have from this sequence will probably never quit, ever.
A detective was put on the case.
Interestingly enough, there seems to be a mole when it comes to the astounding violence and kidnapping at the Hotel Cortez... and that mole has been making personal calls to Detective John Lowe (Wes Bentley), a murder-cop who has a personal connection to the Cortez that he's yet to even know about.
Lowe received a tip from this mole, who said he/she was going to "do it again" in Room 64, but his visit to the Cortez was entirely fruitless. It was only later, while he was enjoying daddy-daughter night at a sushi joint, that the real danger kicked in -- someone (the mole?) copied Lowe's wife Alex's (Chloë Sevigny, known for terrorizing children back in "Asylum") cell phone, made him think that Alex was in danger, then drew him and his daughter into a potentially dangerous situation.
This ended up being a much bigger deal than we'd initially thought, as a flashback revealed that John and Alex's first child, a son, disappeared from Santa Monica Pier back in 2010. This son was later seen (by the audience, not by John) with the rest of the blood-sucking kids at the Hotel Cortez, and evidently he has not aged a single day since his kidnapping. John moved into the Hotel to keep Alex and their daughter safe, so I'd put money on John running into his creepy vampiric spawn sooner rather than later.
The Countess and her Donovan had some fun.
It was only a matter of time before The Countess and her man Donovan (Matt Bomer) had a blood orgy, right? Our intro to the Countess and her man was pitch-perfect -- they picked up a gorgeous young couple at one of LA's many outdoor movie screenings, then brought them back to the Cortez and slit their throats mid-coitus -- as the almost absurdly choreographed nature of their foursome-turned-double-murder made it quite clear that this was something the duo had done many, many times before. So many times that it had almost become boring, at least for the Countess.
How will she keep herself occupied now?! Here's one idea...
A newcomer joined the gang.
Watch out Donovan, there's another brown-haired, blue-eyed, square-jawed hottie at the Hotel Cortez -- and no, it's not Gabriel, since he's a total junkie and more Sally's type than the Countess'. Instead, the Countess went behind Donovan's back and sold some prime Cortez real estate to Will Drake (Cheynne Jackson), an esteemed New York City fashion-type who came to the Cortez to get those creative juices flowing again. To say that Donovan was pissed by this wealthy and handsome newcomer showing up would be an understatement, as both he and the audience could clearly tell that the Countess has a type, and Will Drake is it.
Also important to note is the fact that Will Drake is a single father who arrived at the hotel with his impeccably coiffed son, who will almost definitely get sucked in to the Countess' cult of hemophiliac, non-aging kids.
A backstory was revealed.
Here's where this whole "blood drinking makes you kinda immortal" thing became less of a theory than a reality. Back in the mid-'90s, we saw a panicked Iris follow her son (!!) Donovan into the Cortez with Hypodermic Sally -- and none of them, arguably, had aged a single day. Donovan shot up with Sally, then Iris pushed that junkie out the window as Donovan passed out, seemingly killing her.
When Iris returned from her window crime, Donovan was already being held by the Countess, who was caressing the man and stating the obvious fact that he had a jawline that goes on for days. This seemed to trouble Iris deeply, but it was clearly the beginning of their two-decade love affair, and the beginning of a bloody new era for the Cortez.