Delete Your Account is a weekly column that takes the hot air out of celebrities, the media, and their social media shenanigans. Every Friday, I will decide whether each perpetrator should delete their accounts and never grace the internet again. This week, Vanity Fair gets some free promo, Politico is not here for your slash fiction, Keke Palmer fights with someone you'll have to Google, and John Legend is thirsty.
DONALD TRUMP
Why in the world is our president-elect Chester Cheetah tweeting about Vanity Fair at five in the goddamn morning? Especially when people are, you know, dying in Aleppo and Russians are busy hacking United States elections? Oh, I know! They must have said something mean about him. Of course.
Couldn't you be like Lisa Vanderpump and just block the writer who gave your restaurant a shitty review? Do you even eat at the stupid Trump Grill? Don't you have a million other ways to scam tourists out of money, like Omarosa still wandering the streets of Manhattan selling Trump Ice water bottles in a feverish attempt to finally win The Apprentice?
At this point, it's getting so easy to goad Trump. I'm a little upset he didn't rant against MTV News for my deep dive into every season of The Apprentice. Do you realize how hellish it was having to listen to this man talk about "business" for 14 television seasons? I nearly went insane. Trump, you really need to give this shit a rest. Because now you're just giving away free promo. Look at Vanity Fair's new banner ad!
What an idiot. When it comes to promo on the internet, you should always follow Rihanna's lead!
SHOULD TRUMP DELETE HIS ACCOUNT? At this point, I need to realize that Jesus is not going to take the wheel or Trump's Twitter account from him anytime soon.
POLITICO
After reports that Emma Frost — sorry, Ivanka Trump — might be taking an office in the White House, you know, like First Lady, Politico reporter Julia Ioffe tweeted that perhaps Trump is fucking his daughter. Politico responded by saying they let Ioffe go, but she was already leaving for a job at The Atlantic, so technically they didn't really do anything to her, they just wanted to get some PR from pretending they did.
I'm of many minds about this incident, so let's just address them all one by one, shall we? First of all, the tweet in question. Is it vulgar? Yes! Is it wrong to insinuate? No, not really. I mean, Trump and his daughter do have a creepy relationship and a bunch of creepy photos to boot! The man did say, "if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I would be dating her." Those are his words. It's not our fault he's read one too many V.C. Andrews novels. But is Ioffe's tweet funny? No, not really. It's at once too vulgar and too serious to really be comedic.
But the best part of this entire situation is how up in arms people like Ann Coulter got over the tweet. Ann, whose tweets have gotten much more desperate since Tomi Lahren became the alt-right's new Fast Times at Ridgemont High pool fantasy, tweeted this:
You're upset about her using the word fuck when Trump was elected president after talking about grabbing women by their pussy? Go back to being the ghoul a groundskeeper dresses as in an episode of Scooby-Doo and spare us your moral indignation.
SHOULD POLITICO DELETE ITS ACCOUNT? I guess they had to say something, because "serious journalism" and all. So Politico gets a pass this time.
KEKE PALMER VS. MEHGAN JAMES
In between her auditions for Paris Is Burning: The Musical, Keke Palmer found time to binge-watch Bad Girls Club, an Oxygen series about, well, girls acting bad. As most of us do when watching reality television, Palmer tweeted out her thoughts about the show. But as most of us tend to forget, the people on reality shows are real people, and since their only job is being on a reality show, they have plenty of time to search their own names and see what people are saying about them on social media. On the rare occasion you are a celebrity tweeting about a reality show, that contestant might decide to get some attention for themselves by starting a fight with you. Farrah Abraham from Teen Mom started a fight with Nicki Minaj, for instance, after Minaj wrote unfavorable opinions about her role on the show.
Clearly not learning from Minaj's woes, Palmer decided to tweet that she found BGC cast member Mehgan James "corny." What I personally find corny is how Mehgan James spells her goddamn name, but I guess that's her parents' fault or the fault of the hospital employee who made a typo on her birth certificate. At any rate, James decided that she would clap back against Palmer.
As far as clapbacks go, this was relatively tame! Both women could have walked away from this and called it a day. BUT THE GAG IS Palmer never lets anything go, and at least 45 percent of her social media existence involves calling out her alleged haters, when she should be promoting her book I Don't Belong to You: Quiet the Noise and Find Your Voice and working on locating a voice that isn't mined from black gay men. Perhaps inspired by Cleo Wade, our nation's foremost Instagram poet and current girlfriend of Cory Booker, Palmer unleashed a flurry of tweets about being true to yourself, the produce aisle at her local grocery store, and the Force.
Girl ... what? She lost me right around the time she started talking about apples and oranges and other Burt's Bees lip balm flavors. Palmer had to know that James would see these subtweets, but as we've already established, Palmer loves to put her haters in their place because THAT'S THE GAG. THE GAG IS THE GAG. GAG. RED ONE. KONVICT. GAG. GAG.
I'm going to ignore the fact that Palmer is running around in lingerie in New York when it's fucking freezing just so she can shoot her ten-thousandth video where she screams "the gag is" so we can get back to the matter at hand. Palmer's words of wisdom caused James to go into full attack mode. And it wasn't pretty.
I'll admit that these tweets cracked me up (if for no other reason than they insinuate Palmer is an A-list actress). They're funny, mock Palmer's overuse of THE GAG, and also get in a dig about how Palmer seems to have too much free time on her hands. But then the tweets got nasty. She's since deleted them, but here they are for posterity:
These tweets aren't funny — they're cruel and disgusting. Not to mention slander. James probably deleted them with a quickness because being on an Oxygen reality series does not put enough coin in the bank to handle legal fees if Palmer decided to sue her ass. James almost had a fan in me, but then she took it too far.
SHOULD KEKE & MEHGAN DELETE THEIR ACCOUNTS?
Keke and Mehgan, please step forward. I have two beautiful ladies standing before me, but I have only one photo in my hand, and this photo represents the girl who will not be asked to delete their account. I will only call one name, and the name that I do not call must immediately log out of Twitter, never to return.
You've both been eliminated for too much gagging and creating potential libel lawsuits, respectively. You may go.
JOHN LEGEND
The thirst is so real. God, I love them so much.
*cries in relationship status: single*