Delete Your Account is a weekly column that takes the hot air out of celebrities and their social media shenanigans. Every Friday, I will decide whether or not each perpetrator should delete their accounts and never grace the internet again. This week, Demi Lovato thinks Mariah Carey knows her, Perez Hilton will never change, Blake Shelton can’t spell, and Kelly Clarkson needs to be a guest columnist on DYA immediately.
What are you doing, my love? I can’t even count how many times Twitter personality Demi Lovato has appeared in Delete Your Account at this point. I honestly love how she manages to find new ways to be messy on Twitter each week. This time, she’s slid into the DMs of Perez Hilton because he’s liking tweets about her “feud” with Mariah Carey. I put “feud” in sarcastic quotes because this is how I imagine a conversation with Mariah Carey about Demi Lovato goes:
“Mariah, do you know who Demi Lovato is?”
“Are you sure? She’s a singer and she recently started a feud with —”
Anyway, Demi Lovato started this one-sided feud her damn self when she threw shade at Mariah Carey on some random fan’s Instagram account and chimed in on Mariah’s actual feud with Jennifer Lopez by commenting: “Jen keeps it classy but I’m not afraid to say shit. The woman is mean for no reason. Extremely talented? Yes. Superhuman? Possibly. Unnecessarily rude? Absolutely.” OK, girl. This of course prompted the Lambs (Mariah’s fans) to start dragging Demi left and right. Mariah herself has not chimed in, because as I mentioned above, when it comes to Mariah Carey even knowing who Demi Lovato is:
Back to Demi. This week, she gave a beautiful speech at the Democratic National Convention about the stigma of mental illness before awkwardly transitioning into a (pretty damn good) performance of “Confident.” But she had to go and ruin all of that by sliding into Perez Hilton’s DMs because he liked a tweet from a Mariah stan. GURL. WATER U DOIN’? You know Perez Hilton is sloppier than a Forever 21 sales rack, so you had to have known he would put those DMs on Twitter for the world to see. But also, you’ve been shadily liking posts about Taylor Swift and following Calvin Harris after he dragged her, so you don’t really have a leg to stand on here. The moral of the story is mind your own business, but I don’t really care about morals or minding my own business, so the real moral here is stop pretending you have a feud with someone who hasn’t even acknowledged you, mi reina.
Should Demi Delete Her Account? Let’s ask Mariah.
Hold up, we’re not finished yet. Perez Hilton doesn’t come off looking clean in this mess either. Publishing those DMs was a dick move, period. Demi was imploring him in a private DM, then he had to be Kim Kardashian and “expose” her. Remember when Perez pretended he was going to start being nice to people years ago? Claiming “fuck it” and “I’m almost 40” and then acting like a petty teenager from Riverdale High fighting over Archie is not the move. Either you’re an adult with no real fucks to give and you just ignore it, or you’re the same messy kween you’ve always been and continue to stir up drama for attention. The only 40-year-olds who act like this are the Real Housewives.
Should Perez Delete His Account? Since, like, a decade ago.
Gwen Stefani’s intern had a lot to say on Twitter after he was called out for halfway endorsing Donald Trump in an interview with Billboard: “I’m not going to have the political conversation with you about Trump, or about Hillary Clinton, but I will tell you this: Whether you love him or hate him, he says what he thinks, and he has proven that you don’t always have to be so afraid. A lot of people are pulling for him, no matter how much Hollywood fights it. I see people who don’t like him go and beat up people that do like him. You tell me, who’s crazy here? ... I probably wish there was another option, but there’s not.” HMM. Sounds a lot like an “enforcement” to me, Jed Clampett, but what do I know? I’ll take the word of every other news outlet which read that statement and went, “Lol, OK, Blake.” Gwen has too many women and gay fans for Blake to be in these streets fucking with her brand. If you’re voting for Trump, vote for him, but don’t give responses like that in cover stories unless you want people to think you’re feeling some type of way about the racist currently running for president.
Of course, Blake hopped on Twitter to defend his comments by saying he wished there was “another option” across the board for BOTH parties. Which isn’t really what he said, but I’ll take his word for it. The real reason Blake is even in DYA this week is because he wrote “I haven’t enforced ANYBODY for president.” Enforced? Well, thank god for the 1965 Voting Rights Act, because I’m not sure Blake would’ve even passed that literacy test.
Should Blake Delete His Account? Nah, he gets a pass this time. He lives in Tennessee and they always go red anyway, so vote for whoever you want, I guess.
SHAD “BOW WOW” MOSS
Bruh, what the fuck is even going on here? There’s so much NONSENSE to unpack that I don’t even know where to begin. First of all, I don’t even know what the hell he’s calling himself these days. Bow Wow? Shad Moss? I’m just gonna call him Lil Bow Wow because that was his name when he recorded the “Irresistible” remix with Jessica Simpson, a.k.a the best song he’s even been a part of. Then there’s the fact that Donald Trump is trotting his racist ass onto podiums and spreading hate whenever someone throws a camera on him, but Lil Bow Wow wants to tweet about how his “hotels be the shit”? Nah. You don’t get to do that. First of all, let’s not pretend Trump even runs his hotels. Second, if the Trump Hotel is the best hotel you’ve ever stayed in, those Jessica Simpson residuals must have dried up pretty damn quick. Try the Four Seasons, boo.
Then there’s the shit where Shad says he can’t relate to the struggle of black voters because he’s mixed, which … son. Mixed with black makes you black, but you also look black, so if you get pulled over by the police, I don’t think you’ll be driving off with a quick, “Oh, don’t worry, I’m not black, I’m mixed!” You can save your Raven-Symoné School of Heritage rhetoric for another time, bro, because the whole “I’m mixed” shit that you and other black celebrities keep trying to pull isn’t just internal hatred, it’s ignorant too.
Should Lil Bow Wow Delete His Account? Swiftly. We only need one “little one” and it’s not Bow Wow.
DONALD J. TRUMP JR.
You mean the line that Obama has used in his speeches since he got elected? Or that presidents have been saying for decades? Don’t try to get cute because your stepmom got caught stealing vocals like Ursula. Donald Jr. later pretend he was just joking, but ... sis … kindly find an empty swimming pool to dive into.
Should Donald Jr. Delete His Account? Delete your whole family. You can leave Ivanka though.
Remember when Michelle Obama talked about how she and her daughters “wake up in a house built by slaves” every morning and how powerful it was? Then remember when that chalky slab of ectoplasm Bill O’Reilly said that slaves were “well-fed”? Well, he inspired a throng of racists idiots who didn’t want to feel bad by having to hear about slavery. You see, it happened a long time ago, and if black people would stop reminding them that they used to be property in America, we could all be watching Friends together and voting for Donald Trump. Someone hit Kelly Clarkson with an “I’m not sure I liked that part!” and whew … the queen was ready. Go ahead, Kelly Clarkson. Any time you want to be a guest columnist on Delete Your Account, the job is yours.