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I Have Some Valuable Insights About Stephen Curry's New Shoes

Let me share them with you

Steph Curry, who is the starting point guard for the Golden State Warriors basketball team and the reigning two-time MVP of the NBA, has a deal with Under Armour. Under Armour has put out a pair of low-top athletic shoes under Curry's name, a version of the Curry 2 Lows, which they have decided to call the "Chef."

I'm not saying I don't like the shoes, I'm just saying that the shoes have some problems.

The first problem is that the shoes are poorly named. Currently, they are titled "Chef," but, in my opinion, they should be called the "Registered Nurse." They'd be perfect peeking out of sky blue scrubs decorated with whimsical and nonthreatening cartoons.

Honestly, the problem with the shoes is that they look like shoes Obama wore at his nadir of cool — with dad jeans and riding a bike wearing a doofy-looking helmet.

The shoes think that Toasted O's are just as good as Cheerios, and would you please stop complaining?

These shoes just feel safer when they see a police car roll through the neighborhood.

I'm not mad about the shoes, honestly. I'm just glad someone is finally making shoes for the guys who are smilingly passive-aggressive about who gets to drive the cart at the golf course.

What's the distribution plan for these shoes? Are the shoes being sold on the Home Shopping Network? Are the shoes being sold via direct mail? Are the shoes being sold in Sky Mall? Are the shoes going to be on an infomercial on Saturday afternoon after the cartoons are over?

These shoes love Comic Sans.

These shoes are Comic Sans.

These shoes just asked about the brunch specials.

I'm pretty sure I went to high school with these shoes and we're friends on Facebook. I've hidden all their posts.

Your mom calls these shoes "tennies." Your dad calls these "workout shoes."

These shoes think "gangsta rap" is too "vulgar." These shoes think Kanye West is "gangsta rap." These shoes think Kanye West is too arrogant and that's the main problem. These shoes like "old-school rap." Like the Beastie Boys and that one song Run-DMC did with Aerosmith.

These shoes open the newspaper with a crisp snap.

In my opinion, a more fitting name for the shoes would be the Mitt Romney Lows.

Kenny G wears these shoes. Yanni wears these shoes. John Tesh wears these shoes. Enya wears these shoes, but only when she's on the elliptical machine in her private basement gym underneath her castle. Nobody is allowed to see Enya sweat.

If you really want these shoes to fly off the shelves, put them next to the vitamins at the grocery store.

Perhaps the shoes should be known as the "Centrum Silvers."

Perhaps the shoes should be known as the "Tech Support IIIs."

Perhaps the shoes should be known as the "Air Khakis."

Perhaps the shoes should be known as the "Reverse Racism Retro Lows."

These shoes are "all that and a bag of chips."

You have to tuck your t-shirt into your jeans, which you wear with a braided belt, in order to wear these shoes. It's the law.

These shoes are for people who think athletes are paid way too much.

These shoes are for people who think that the Stocks app is very "handy."

These shoes are for people who try to talk cashiers into taking expired coupons.

Jim Harbaugh has preordered several pairs of these shoes.

Honestly, I didn't even know Dockers was getting into the basketball shoe game.

It was a bold choice to lure away top designers from Skechers.

I'm just glad Under Armour decided to partner with Dr. Scholl's to put out these shoes.

These shoes still have a flip phone. The flip phone clips onto their belt. The flip phone has a Bluetooth headset. These shoes always wear the Bluetooth headset. These shoes still had a pager in 2008.

These shoes challenged me to a game of ping-pong but they called it table tennis and they brought their own paddles. They aren't very good at ping-pong, but they are very serious about it.

They give you these shoes when you enroll at ITT Tech.

They give you these shoes when you open a savings account at the local credit union.

They give you these shoes when you get 10,000 points with their frequent flyer program.

These shoes are "da bomb."

These shoes are for people who wonder aloud whether gentrification is a good thing — after all, there is a Whole Foods here now and there wasn't before.