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The Situation Room: Ted Cruz All Up In Your Rights

Girl, are you Ted Cruz, because I am now dead inside

When events warrant, MTV staffers gather together in our virtual secure bunker to discuss the political news of the day. These assemblies can be vital to the future of our nation. This is not one of those times. Here today: Holly Anderson, Ana Marie Cox, Jane Coaston, Marcus Patrick Ellsworth, Carvell Wallace, Ira Madison III, Ezekiel Kweku, Kaleb Horton, Alex Pappademas, and Mark Lisanti.

Anderson: Get in here.

Cox: The whole brief is an argument that the government has an interest in "discouraging … autonomous sex," which is (a) a hilarious and tellingly inaccurate description of what people use dildos for and (b) something you'd think a libertarian would object to, both on small-government grounds and because, well, have you ever talked to libertarians about their sex lives?

Coaston: It’s well known that libertarians are big ol’ freaks.

Cox: Obviously should thank Cruz for the small favor that citizens are "free to engage in unfettered noncommercial speech touting the uses of obscene devices"! But clearly terrible news for all the Ayn Rand cosplayers out there.

Ellsworth: “The Fountainhead” kinda works as is.

Coaston: I… there’s… don’t Google this, Marcus. Please don’t Google this.

Ellsworth: No intention… wait… did you? Oh, Jane, I’m so sorry!

Coaston: I’m 87 percent more gay as a result of seeing Ted Cruz’s visage upon my computer screen.

Wallace: I came over from the music team because I thought I’d be safer here. I really did.

Kweku: Politics is BDSM with no safe word, Carvell. You should have known better.

Horton: Seeing “masturbation” and “Ted Cruz” in the same sentence has destroyed my day. I can’t look people in the eye. My equilibrium is gone. I can’t even see the other words in that excerpt. That’s already too much. How am I supposed to drive? What if I go blind on the road?

Anderson: Well, Kaleb, now you’re seeing his point, aren’t you? This is your road to Damascus, and it’s paved with dildos.

Pappademas: Poster slogan suggestion: When You Touch Yourself With Sex Toys, You’re Giving ISIS a Hand.

Kweku: I’m with Kaleb: Seeing “Ted Cruz is watching you masturbate” hit my inbox is probably the worst moment of my life up to this point. Ted Cruz already looks exactly like a stereotypical Peeping Tom in the first place; the whole thing is almost too plausible to even joke about it.

Coaston: Ted Cruz looks like the boyfriend who misses your vagina “by accident” and whoops, here you are, having anal with Ted Cruz.

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Kweku: Ted Cruz definitely seems like the type to try to trick you into participating in his weird fetishes. Like I can easily imagine Cruz being really into, like, tickling while writhing around in mayonnaise or something, and the way you find out is that he’s tied to the bed and covered in mayonnaise.

Coaston: Ted Cruz is into sounding. Ted Cruz is into nonconsensual choking. Ted Cruz is every single letter-writer to Dan Savage’s sex column who isn’t a 22-year-old woman who needs to DTMFA.

Kweku: Jane, I’m filing a complaint with HR because you put “Ted Cruz” and “sounding” in the same sentence. This should be a felony.

Anderson: I almost asked what that even is before I remembered that the last time we discussed unnatural sex acts as a group, I had to go back and remove three from the list that we made up that we found out later were real.

Wallace: I feel like maybe this is the point where we can agree that this election has gone too far and that elections are overrated? I mean… just… we could take another look at monarchy, don’t you think?

Ellsworth: Ted Cruz fears anything that may bring a human being pleasure. Including masturbation, and not having him elected as president.

Coaston: Please don’t use the words “pleasure” and “Ted Cruz” in the same sentence unless we’ve all been drinking for a very long time.

Cox: I see he’s left a loophole for “stimulating one’s genitals” for medical purposes. And he’s theoretically OK with women getting off on government-mandated transvaginal ultrasounds.

Coaston: “Unlike the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, I just have never seen a female orgasm, and thus I am in denial.”

Cox: I'm sure he remains dubious that women get off at all. Ted Cruz knows existence of the female orgasm is a myth, promulgated by feminists and all the women he's ever dated.

Lisanti: I have to admit to not following the story that closely, but I thought the whole thing was that Ted Cruz is a job creator who turns to private-enterprise masturbation solutions.

Horton: Hey, I just read all the stuff that’s been written in here since I left, and we’re all gonna die.

Coaston: I welcome the sweet embrace of death. As long as Ted Cruz is not present.

Kweku: Ted Cruz is always present; he is himself both hell and oblivion. I’m sorry, Jane. I really am.

Madison III: I can't believe you all had this much to say about Ted Cruz and self-pleasure. I immediately read the article and was like, “That's gross — Paul Ryan would never do that.” This is why I'm so sad Paul Ryan isn't running. He's probably pro-masturbation. I would think of him and dildos in the same sentence.

Wallace: An uncomfortable moment of silence while we all reflect joylessly on our career and life choices.

Coaston: Breaking news: We’re not great people and have made some poor decisions, perhaps.

Wallace: Dearest Mother, You and Father will be most pleased to know that I’ve gained employ as a journalist! You can read my latest… you know what, nvm. I… I work at a chicken place now.

Cox: Blame Cruz, man. It's always the censors who start the public conversations about sex.