Due to being a bona fide Hollywood A-lister for a couple of decades now, Brad Pitt has had his private life ceaselessly dissected in the public eye for almost as long, so it's easy to understand why he so rarely agrees to be interviewed. But today, ladies and gents, only on NextMovie ... we have Brad Pitt.

Well, not Brad Pitt himself, per se. We have his hair. Specifically, his spectacular hair from "World War Z."

In a first-time, one-on-one, extremely candid interview, Pitt's hair discusses the crushing weight of expectations, "Half Shell," and hot chicks sunbathing on a lakeside moonwalk.

BRAD PITT'S HAIR and NextMovie's Nick Blake sit down to breakfast at a hotel on the Upper West Side. 

Wow, salmon on a whole wheat bagel. Admirably healthy.

Yeah, bro. Gotta look good. Gotta shine.

Do you always get that at breakfast?

[laughs] When the mood strikes.

Sure. So "World War Z." Congratulations.

Thanks, but I didn't do anything other than hang out. And I suppose flap for dramatic effect sometimes.

I feel like you're being modest.

[smiles] Maybe. Maybe.

So what was the sort of direction that director Mark Forster gave to you? What were you asked to do in any given scene?

One thing he kept repeating was to pretend like I was trying to touch my toes the whole time.

I don't understand.

Well, check it out.

He shows me this picture:

I'm trying to touch Brad's shoulders — technically my cousins — but I can't. But I kept trying and trying, man, like they were a couple of hot chicks sunbathing on a lakeside moonwalk and I was a dog on a leash. That was pretty much the game plan. And to be totally honest with you, I feel like I executed it well.

Do you just carry that picture around with you?

You should know something about me.

Yes?

I pretty much do what I want, whenever I want.

Oh.

Yeah. It's freeing, living in the moment.

Except when Brad's ears want you to stay in place.

Wow. Cheap shot, bro. And can I just tell you something, too? His ears are bitches. Just total bitches.

Let's move on. Are you ever jealous of Brad's fame?

How so?

Well, rarely does a week go by where either he or his wife aren't on the cover of some magazine, or his kids —

No, I knew what you meant. I'm asking you, why would I be jealous? Listen man, Brad Pitt's Hair has it all. He's got everything Brad has, and more. He sees everything, and is everything, but without the weight of expectations. He's only complimented. Never criticized. In short, he rules the school.

And shamelessly speaks in the third person.

I don't even know what that means, bro. I speak in the "me" person. Make sure you write that down.

There's been a lot of discussion of the production issues on "World War Z."

Yeah. It was great.

Why?

I got to spend more time being me, dude.

Right.

With every production issue — budgetary concerns, missing footage, location problems — it just meant more time dedicated to strangers perfecting the Half-Shell in a portable trailer.

The 'half-shell'?

Yeah. That's what I call myself. Others do, too. Prince. Obama. They all call me the Half-Shell. So lame though, Brad ended up stealing that name for his —

Please don't tell me.

His hamster. That he got for his kids.

Our waitress comes by and asks, "How's the salmon, Brad Pitt's Hair?" He says, "It's fine, babe. Thanks," and gives her a kiss on the cheek. She giggles, and departs, ignoring me totally even though I've run out of coffee.

I find it interesting that you were so easily recognized by our waitress.

It's the life, man.

What do you mean?

I'm always being recognized. It's very specific, too. It's not just "Hey, is that Brad Pitt's Hair?" It's, "Hey, it's Brad Pitt's Hair from 'World War Z!' Cool! Let's go talk to him and hang out and see what he's all about, I bet he's much cooler than Brad himself," etc. And then once I'm recognized, I'm getting conditioned by this fan, being permed by another fan or even just being nuzzled by someone's dog. But you take the good with the bad. And mostly, it's good. 

Back to the movie: Did you get to kill any zombies? If not in the movie itself, in any deleted scenes? Or at least off-camera?

How would I have done that? I'm hair. What, can I just grab guns and shoot them now? And even if I could, I don't know. A part of me has sympathy for the zombies. They're just trying to do their thing, you know? And so am I. So in some ways, we're brothers. I cried, dude. I cried when I watched Brad kill the zombies sometimes. Because why, you know? Can I smoke in here?

No.

Even weed?

No.

I just felt like it was unnecessary at times. The blood. I read Nietzsche when Brad goes to bed, you know, so I feel particularly qualified to talk about this stuff. Nietzsche has a great quote: "The man who trembles at the brightest stone, deserves the richest quiche." And I think that's beautiful.

There's no interpretation of that that would even come close to making any sense.

Someone's not a Nietzsche fan.

Do you ever get Jonathan Taylor Thomas as an eight-year-old?

All the time. I'm flattered. That kid was hilarious. In fact, if the movie gets big, I'm gonna try to personally fund a new season of "Home Improvement." Except without the youngest brother.

The check comes.

You got this?

Brad Pitt's Hair shuffles away.