A Hater's Guide to 'The Host'

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The big screen adaptation of Stephenie Meyer's bestselling novel "The Host" only just hit theaters today, but there's one thing many Twihards and non-Twihards alike can already agree on: They hate it.

Of course, most of the haters not only haven't seen the movie yet, but they haven't read the book, either. Usually we'd suggest waiting to pass judgment until after you've actually read the book or seen the movie and developed an informed opinion. But on the other hand, what fun would that be?

With that in mind, we've decided to help out all the haters by putting together this helpful Haters' Guide to Hating "The Host," which is filled with key talking points you can use to slag "The Host" to your friends, in arguments with strangers or via social media. So get your completely irrational hate on.

And if you want to hate us for slagging on "The Host," that's cool, too. You don't even have to read the article if you don't want to.

It's Too Much Like 'Twilight'

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Unless you're a diehard Twihard, chances are you're pretty much sick to death of "Twilight." While everyone in Hollywood is trying to find the next "Twilight," everyone outside of Hollywood is desperately trying to avoid it. It's, like, so 2008. And does anybody really want to see a bunch of "Host" cosplayers at Comic Con this year, which would basically consist of normally dressed people just acting schizophrenic? Look, if America wanted another "Twilight" clone, "Beautiful Creatures" would have made more than nine bucks at the box office, right?

It's Not Enough Like 'Twilight'

If you're a Twihard, on the other hand, you know that the real issue with "The Host" is actually that it's not nearly enough like "Twilight." Sure, it's by Stephenie Meyer and, yeah, it has a teen girl protagonist caught in a love triangle while battling forces beyond mortal ken. And ... everything else. But where's the spirit? Vampires are romantic — if technically parasitic — creatures, what with their broody bloodlust, tragic backstories and immortal hair. And sparkles. "The Host" doesn't have any of that. To paraphrase Lieutenant Colonel Bill Kilgore in the classic "Apocalypse Now," "Charlie don't sparkle!" And for any real Twihard, that's a major, major problem.

Aliens? Really?

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Which brings us to this: Aliens? Really? Once upon a time, back when your dad was a kid, aliens were cool. For instance, in the movie "Aliens." But that, as you may have just Googled, was over a quarter of a century ago. Note to Hollywood: "E.T." phoned home, man. It's over. These days young movie fans want menaces they can understand, that reflect their real terrors and fears. In other words, they want monsters that look less like wet pupae and more like the lead singer of fun. Sure, the aliens in "The Host" are just people, but you know what? So are vampires, and they're much sexier than aliens. Leave the '80s behind, guys!

Not Enough Shirtless Werewolves

Speaking of which, if they really wanted to capture the "Twilight" magic, they should have started with the true heart of the movie's appeal: Taylor Lautner without a shirt. For all of Hollywood's desperation to find the next "Twilight," we have to wonder why nobody has done the obvious and just spun off a werewolf movie set in the "Twilight" universe. Is that so hard to figure out? The number one rule of sales is to give people what they want and for the last five years, fans have been making it pretty clear that what they want is a good look at Lautner's digitally enhanced abs. Once again, "The Host" completely fails on this most basic level.

Doesn't Saoirse Ronan Have Something Better to Do with Her Time?

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Kristen Stewart was absolutely perfect in 'Twilight" because she was so amazingly wan and lifeless that it seemed like vampires had already sucked her completely dry. But while it's clear that the folks behind "The Host" want Saoirse Ronan to be a pale imitation of Stewart — emphasis on pale, as the girl is nearly translucent in the trailer — we have to think Ronan has better things to do with her time than appear in this claptrap. After all, Ronan already has Oscar, Golden Globe and BAFTA nominations on her resume. She actually, you know, has acting talent. We're begging you, Saoirse: Leave this juvenile stuff to K.Stew and go make "Atonement 2" or something. Your time is worth more than this.

WTF Is a Love Quadrangle?

Okay, we get it: Love triangles are the in thing, especially when they involve one girl and two dudes. Even "The Hunger Games" has a love triangle, and that's actually a pretty good movie. But in "The Host," Meyer has provided us with what may be the world's first love quadrangle. It's way too complicated to get into without a series of Venn diagrams, but there are two guys in love with one girl, except one dude is in love with the real girl and the other is in love with the alien parasite simultaneously living in her body, so things are not only awkward, they are creepy and confusing. Which is fine, but here's our number-one rule for watching movies: If you need an advanced degree in geometry to understand it, watch something else. Just because we know what a parallelogram is doesn't mean we want to be reminded of it. NO MATH!

It's By Stephenie Meyer

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We've been joking around up until this point, but this last one is totally, 100% true. We did a highly unscientific poll of some random people who have never read "The Host" and asked them why they hate it. And every single one of them had the exact same answer: It was written by Stephenie Meyer. This makes us feel bad. Meyer seems like a nice lady. And having your name become synonymous with crap for an entire generation can't be much fun, especially since none of those people have read the book and are just reacting to the excesses of "Twilight" fandom. But since she has about a billion reasons to ignore haters and laugh hysterically while rolling around in a giant pile of gold coins, all we can say is: Keep on hating. After all, that's what makes the Internet fun. Right, guys?