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Movie Theater Manager: Excuse me, sir, you HAVE to leave.
Jordan Hoffman: No. No. I don't want to. I want to watch "Avengers" again and again.
Movie Theater Manager: Yes, we know that. You came for our 1 pm screening and now it's past midnight. We're closing. You can come back tomorrow. Again.
Jordan Hoffman: Oh, please let me stay. I'll scrub the floors, empty the garbage and add the radioactive waste to the nacho dip. Just play the movie one more time.
Don't let the above tragedy happen to YOU! This summer (which we've already established is the greatest fanboy summer) there is a surefire way to avoid doldrums between movies. Sell some platelets (no, not dinnerware with the Millenium Falcon painted on it – the stuff in your blood) so you have some dough to take a little piece of the movie home with ya.
Here are nine examples of cool 2012 Summer Movies swag that you can buy right now.
R/C Walking Iron Man
The only thing missing from your countertop is a stomping cyborg Avenger. Tony Stark defends. . .Kitchen Island!
Seriously, though, not only does this guy walk around, he glows blue, speaks and fires little plastic weapons. (Our lawyers are asking us to tell you not to fire this up the noses of anyone under the age of 3, but we figure "what's the worst that could happen?)
Best is that the remote control attaches to your arm like part of a Stark Industries suit, which means you'll still have a hand free to pause your DVRd episode of "Ax Men" as you send li'l Iron Man on his way.
The Amazing Spider-Man Mega Blaster Web Shooter with Glove Set
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While you're attaching your Iron Man remote to one arm, you can use the other to feel the power of a radioactive spider bite! (Yes, intellectual property rights may keep Peter Parker and Tony Stark separate on on the silver screen, but you can tell those studio lawyers to STAY AWAY FROM YOUR BODY!)
Now you can fire water, "web fluid" or, I dunno, rum spiked egg nog with just a thwip of your wrist. We do not recommend going up on the roof and using any of these liquids to swing down the block. We do, however, strongly recommend chasing the dog around the house and demanding he tell you the location of Doc Ock's hideout.
BATMAN™ THE DARK KNIGHT RISES™ QUICKTEK™ Deluxe VENOM MENACE™ Bane Figure
Get a load of Bane's guns! The muffled menace looks pretty badass in his mech suit. (Well, technically it is just the top half of a mech suit. A mech blazer?)
The prospect of seeing Tom Hardy firing off rounds in this get-up more than makes up for the fact that his face is basically a gray version of Dr. Zoidberg.
Thor 1/6 Scale Figure
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This 12 ½ inch likeness of the Asgardian Thunder God doesn't toss its hammer across the room or even make demands for flagons of mead. It does, however, offer an opportunity to study (and perhaps model oneself) after the so, so (so) handsome Chris Hemsworth.
We plan on getting one to keep on our desk to gaze at its beauty on a regular basis. We tried attaching one to the dashboard of our car, but it got complicated. It was impossible to differentiate looking at it or looking in the mirror, and we were afraid the confusion might cause a traffic accident.
6 oz Marvel Comics Stainless Steel Flask
It's all of your favorite heroes in one place, surrounding your favorite thing: booze!
I mean, um, sports drink for when you go hiking and jogging and other healthy activities. Not for sneaking in fire water when you go see "Prometheus."
BATMAN™ THE DARK KNIGHT RISES™ POWER ATTACK™ Deluxe SAW SLASH™ BATMAN™ Figure
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Firstly, this is awesome because it has five trademarks in the title. I think the guy just sneezed while he was pushing the TM button on his keyboard?
Secondly, WTF is happening here? Batman is wearing green? Is it St. Patty's Day? Is his name Bruce O'Wayne? And he's got a chain saw? Is there much need for firewood in Gotham City?
We know Christopher Nolan is a visionary, but this is just nuts. And therefore something you must own.
Painted 'Iron Man' Guitar
Clearly you have a thousand dollars to spend on a painted guitar, right? If so, this is the one for you.
We must confess that the cleverly placed repulsor ray makes it look as if this is an acoustic guitar, but it's not. And take a wild guess what's the first riff anyone plays on this bad boy?
Incredible Hulk Soap Fingers
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HULK ALSO DEFY NOTION THAT YOU NOT FULLY CLEAN UNLESS YOU ZESTFULLY CLEAN. WHO IS TO SAY WHAT IS ZESTFUL? HULK THINK THAT NOTHING KNOWS THE CONTOURS OF HIS OWN BODY LIKE HIS OWN FINGERS, AND THINK THAT IS BEST WAY TO REMOVE DIRT AND GRIME. IF YOU DO NOT AGREE, WHY NOT TRY FOR YOURSELF?
Two Pencils and Graph Paper
You've got one pencil in the drawer with the tape measure and another in the glove compartment. Hit this link to print out some graph paper. That and a companion are all you need to play Battleship.
Or, if you don't roll with the low-fi approach, just pick up the deluxe new version of the official game — now with extra aliens.
Hey, it beats sittin' through the movie.
Come back every Thursday for more intergalactic musings on Planet Fanboy and follow its fearless leader Jordan Hoffman on Twitter!