RECAP: Snooki's Boyfriend Leaves Italy, So She Has Sex With Vinny

As we watched last night episode of Jersey Shore, we were hopeful it would be the last one in which Snooki spent the entire time crying off her fake eyelashes and pounds of mascara.

She had a meltdown as Jionni flew back to the states, but then things turned around for the better. A homesick Snooki suggested the group re-create their favorite New Jersey nightclub, Karma, in their Italian living room. So they all got dressed up in their finest Lycra and leopard print, constructed mile-high poofs on their heads and hit the living room dance floor (which, of course, was littered with all their trash and random shoes because this group is terrified of hygiene).

Pauly D DJ'd for them, presumably without charging his reported $40K fee, and fun was had by all -- until things started getting weird again between The Situation and Snooki.

Then, it was all downhill after that. Deena had a pregnancy scare; Jenni spent her time dealing with other people's issues instead of having any fun of her own; Mike started another argument between roommates; and Snooki took a little ride on Seabiscuit. So certainly, more tears are on the horizon next week, when Snooki has to fess up to Jionni that she hooked up with yet ANOTHER roommate in the three weeks that she's been in Italy.

Are there enough antibiotics in the world to treat all the STDs that must go around this house? Lord have mercy.

SNOOKI (-23)

-- Admits that her skanky ways aren't that appealing to boyfriends: "I get it, I'm a lot to handle and I do f*** up." At least she realizes showing her vagina at the bar isn't the classiest thing to do in front of your dude (+3)

-- Calls Jionni repeatedly and gets voice mail (-2)

-- Jenni is still pissed at her, so Snooki goes to a bar alone and makes an ass of herself in the middle of the day. She tells the gawkers: "I am heartbroken so let me dance." (-3)

-- She deems this "the worst day of my life," which is pretty hard to believe based on all the ridiculous stuff we've seen her do (-4)

-- Calls her dad and whines to him, then goes to the balcony and says to herself, "I hate myself, I hate who I am." Sure, she's a cretin, but I don't like to see anyone THAT depressed (-5)

-- She and J-Woww make up, and Jenni manages to get Jionni on the telephone. Snooki makes her way to the phone and starts up her hyperventilation sobs again (-3)

-- Goes to meet up with him, but Jionni's family has already re-booked his flight home, so he's leaving Italy even though they seem to smooth things over a bit. (Man, I bet Jionni's mom just LOVES the idea of Snooki as a potential daughter-in-law) (-3)

-- They embrace, and he apologizes for being a jerk. He heads to the train station and Snooki melts into the staircase for more crying. You know, Snookums sure was a lot more fun when she was putting her sunburned ass in the refrigerator in Jersey (-2)

-- Jionni gets home, and they argue some more over the phone. Snooki sorta dumps him, then says that the only thing that will make her feel better is to pretend she's at her favorite nightclub in Jersey (+2)

-- The gang recreates the club in their living room. It's all fun, games and Jersey Turnpiking (+3) until Sitch starts hitting on Snooki again, then gets her all pissed off at Ronnie (-2)

-- In a drunken rebound move, Snooki hunts down Vinny and his penis (whom she named Seabiscuit during the Miami season). They have awkward, drunk sex in a twin sized bed next to Pauly and Deena. When we're done barfing, we thank the heavens above that this is where the episode concludes for the night (-5)

Net gain/loss: -24

Current total: -47

THE SITUATION (38)

-- When Snooki and Jionni are arguing, Mike tries to take advantage pull a robbery. He flirts with her, tells her he's in love with her and generally acts like a gross lech (-4)

-- He starts taunting her about their alleged hook-up in L.A. and she gets mad all over again. To deviate her renewed anger away from him, Mike tells Snooki that Ronnie wanted him to kick Jionni's ass when he was in town, which was a gross exaggeration of what Ronnie said. Such a weasel (-4)

-- Later, when Snooki does not reciprocate Mike's advances and heads off to the other room, The Situation starts tells telling the group (again) how she cheated on Jionni and oral-sexed him in L.A. Jenni tells him he's a gross pig and a jerk, and we could not agree more. We wish he'd get in touch with Booty Call Brittany and shut the hell up (-5)

Net gain/loss: -13

Current total: 25

DEENA (20)

-- At work with a hangover, Deena is charged with cleaning the bathroom, scrubbing the toilet and mopping the floor (-2)

-- However, it's not the hangover that is bothering her, it's the physical act of cleaning. Says she, "These nails, these hands, they don't clean toilets." Trust us, we know. We remember that nasty toilet situation in Jersey... (-4)

-- Cleans toilet with a mop, which she then presumably uses to "clean" the floor. Typical Jersey Shore hygiene here (-4)

-- She tracks down Vinny after he plays a prank on her. He's in the shower, and surprises her by running out naked and hugging her. "Ew, he put his penis on me!" (-2)

-- Deena tells J-Woww that she thinks she's preggo because she's been emotional and missed her period (-3)

-- The world at large breathes a collective sigh of relief when the test comes back negative (+4)

-- Once she finds out her uterus is free and clear, she tries to get her swerve on with Pauly by cuddling him in his bed, but he kicks her out (-4)

Net gain/loss: -15

Current total: 5

J-WOWW (127)

-- The morning after Jionni-Snookigate, Snooki wants to talk to Jenni, but J-Woww is still annoyed and ignores her (+2)

-- They make up. Jenni tries to call Jionni and he picks up the phone. She arranges for Snooki to go meet him (+2)

-- When Snooki starts acting foolish (an oxymoron, we know), J-Woww tells her to shape up, that she's having a "Sam moment." J-Woww seems to be getting more and more fed up with these losers, and I'm not sure how she deals with it so well (+2)

-- While Jenni is trying to decompress at the club, Deena tells her of her pregnancy scare so Jenni drags her to the pharmacy to get a test. On one hand, J-Woww is a great friend (+3); on the other, she can kiss another potentially fun night on the town buh-bye (-5)

Net gain/loss: +4

Current total: 131

VINNY (117)

-- As a prank, Vinny builds a huge tower of crap (which includes a couch, chair, suitcase and pretty much everything she owns) on Deena's bed. He would be awesome at Jenga (+4)

-- When Deena hunts him down in the shower, he hugs her while wet and naked. This is only the first time this episode his penis will touch a roomie (+4) because ...

-- After Snooki dumps Jionni, she jumps into Vinny's bed to snuggle screw, and he winds up getting laid (+5)

Net gain/loss: +9

Current total: 126

RONNIE (79)

-- When they hold their fake Karma night, Ronnie sums up the Situation perfectly: "Mike is doing the same thing he does in Jersey. He is sitting in the corner with his glasses on, looking like the biggest creep ever." Right? We don't understand how this guy gets so much ass (+3)

-- Once again, Sitch tries to deflect blame from himself during a tiff with Snooki. He tells her Ronnie was smack-talkin' her boyfriend, and Snooki confronts Ron (-3)

-- Ron is like, Up yours, don't drag me into your bullcrap. He scores points for not letting his roid rage loose on Mike (+2)

Net gain/loss: +2

Current total: 81

PAULY D (136)

-- At work early in the morning, Pauly messes with hungover people at the restaurant. He and Vinny's comic relief are the only reason I can even watch this show anymore (-2)

-- Pauly has his laptop/DJ equipment in Italy with him, and helps create Karma in their living room. However, it's hard to care because we're totally obsessed with his sparkly, bedazzled Italian flag laptop. So shiny! (+3)

Net gain/loss: +1

Current total:  137

SAMMI (65)

-- When J-Woww insults Sammi by telling Snooki she's acting like Crazy Relationship Sam, Sammi takes it all in stride. Has she finally realized the error in her past ways? We have a feeling the answer is probably no, but it's been at least three weeks since she and Ron threw each other's suitcases down the stairs, so... (+3)

Net gain/loss: +3

Current total: 68

SCORECARD:

PAULY D: 137

J-WOWW: 131

VINNY: 126

RONNIE: 81

SAMMI: 68

THE SITUATION: 25

DEENA: 5

SNOOKI: -47