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Review: G.I. Joe is Very Poorly Done

I will give G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra credit for two things. First off, it is action packed. Secondly, the actors could have theoretically been involved in a film that was entertaining, had the stars aligned. What I'm saying here is that they're not devoid of talent. But then all the bad items start adding up: it's CGI action, cartoonish action, and predictably inconsequential action. And the cast is given very little to do. Blerg. This was bad. Now we're going to get into the terrible parts. This will be the remainder of the review, the terrible things, the scars G.I. Joe inflicted on this unsuspecting viewer who was a fan of the '80s phenomenon.

G.I. Joe starts quick. A weapons manufacturer has produced a diabolical new weapon called Nanomites. These little mites instantly eat up all metal, leaving only a swath of destruction in their wake. Naturally NATO wants these weapons and is as pleased as pudding to be buying them. They are taken for delivery on a lonely mountain road (I assume the place where they are manufactured has no airports within six hours) where The Baroness is waiting. Sienna Miller looks capable as The Baroness, and she attacks a team led by Channing Tatum's "Duke." Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) is prominently involved too. So far, so good. And then ... Dennis Quaid. Sigh. He's the first sign of trouble, the first sign of a production clearly not taking the source material seriously. Which would be fine if they were going the comedic route. But they're not. G.I. Joe, in its merciless ugly heart, is actually just a kids' movie. There isn't blood, everyone is silly, and physics and reality are thrown right out the window. So it's a silly movie that's not funny. Yay! I should also add that around a dozen scenes in a row prominently involve Wolf Blitzer's CNN hologram technology. Everyone is a hologram for a bit, they all talk to holograms, as holograms, right before walking through people (hologram style!). It's as though the makers of the film were extremely excited to bring the technology first perfected in 1977's Star Wars to life in a big way. That's right, 32 years later G.I. Joe has struck a blow for innovation.

Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes, in general the most compelling G.I. Joe characters, are given plenty of screen time. Their characters work relatively well. There's no reason you couldn't wing a throwing star at a fellow's head in close quarters, so I have no issue with the manner they are presented. It's everything else that's the problem -- jumping over cars, the out of place jocularity, Ripcord taking time to mack on Scarlett when people are trying to murder them. I suppose it's an homage to the original cartoon (but not the far superior comics) -- but made for a generation that probably never watched G.I. Joe growing up. Thus, the adults who wanted G.I. Joe to be cool again, as it was in our youth, get slapped across the jaw while the people who are completely unaware of the product and mythology, the children, are played to. That's no way to run a movie, folks. There is a jarring scene near the end where one of the characters, mid-fight, takes off his shirt for no other reason than the director told him to. You'll know it when you see it. It drew huge laughs from the audience I was with.

So, if you want to see a silly children's movie, I'd give this a strong look. Paramount has said they want the real fans to pass judgment on this film, but I am a real fan, I was always a real fan, and I don't see how any real fan of:

1) Combat movies

2) Special forces dramas

3) G.I. Joe

4) Cobra

5) Good movies

6) Dialogue

or

7) Plot

will like anything that's going on here. It's a nightmare. Someone, somewhere had a bunch of bad ideas and ran with them. The film is set up for a sequel, and a central evil character threatens, "This has only JUST begun." We can only hope he's bluffing.

Grade: D

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