By Stacey Grant and Deepa Lakshmin
As the world prepares for "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" to premiere Friday (Dec. 17) by rewatching the previous six movies and quoting along, we watched the OG film "Star Wars: A New Hope" from 1977 for the first time. EVER. Yes, really.
Going into the movie, we weren’t completely clueless thanks to GIFs and other stuff we've seen online. We knew several of the series’ main aspects -- Luke and Leia are siblings, Darth Vader is their father, light sabers are a thing and something about the droids we’re looking for. However, with all the memes, parodies and mash-ups out there, the internet actually confused us further. We (wrongly) assumed certain characters and situations would show up in Episode IV, but they didn't. Luke and Leia never had their big kiss and Han didn’t say, “I know.”
Watching the first "Star Wars" left us with way more questions than answers. Many of these queries are probably common knowledge to "Star Wars" fans, but we’re legit confused. Please don’t judge us. ?
Why start with the 4th episode in the series?Lucasfilm
Yo George Lucas, why not start at the beginning of the story? Are you trying to confuse us? Also, are you supposed to watch Episode IV, V, VII, then I, II, III? Or is it the other way around?
What does the text say?Lucasfilm
It's moving wayyyyy too fast, and this is entirely too much info and new terminology to take in at once. Now we'll be confused for the rest of the movies. Thanks again, Lucas.
How does C-3PO understand what R2-D2 is saying?Lucasfilm
The beep-boop-bop noises must be some fancy galactic language. Side note: Where can we get an R2-D2? It's so cute. We want one!
Did Jawas sell the droids into slavery?Lucasfilm
Based on their creepy red eyes and pointy hoods, we can tell Jawas aren't good guys, but are they slave owners? They basically kidnapped free droids C-3PO and R2-D2 and made them stand on display for Luke and his uncle to examine before buying. Shady business, Jawas.
How did Luke's aunt and uncle die?Lucasfilm
It looks like they were attacked, but we're a little hazy on the details -- specifically, who attacked them?
Did Obi-Wan Kenobi lie to Luke about his father being dead?Lucasfilm
We know Darth Vader is Luke's father because of the ~internet~, so Mr. Skywalker is certainly alive and well and breathing very heavily behind that mask. But does Obi-Wan Kenobi know this, and is he purposely lying to Luke? The plot thickens.
Why is it so hard to spell these names?Lucasfilm
Luke and Darth Vader aren't so bad, but then there's Han Solo (we thought it was "Hans"), Leia (we kept switching the e and i), C-3PO (numbers shouldn't be allowed) and Obi-Wan Kenobi (we copy-pasted this name directly from Google). And why do wookiees have two e's?!
Are Stormtroopers human or robots?Lucasfilm
Halp. They just look like dudes in costume -- which they technically are -- but are they supposed to be? And what about when Han and Luke don two Stormtrooper "costumes" and wear them to blend in? If Stormtroopers are robots after all, did Han and Luke rip off the troopers' skin/shell and wear it? Is this some kind of "Silence of the Lambs" business?
How do Stormtroopers tell each other apart?Lucasfilm
This level of identical-ness is too far.
Why is Leia being held prisoner by her father?Lucasfilm
Darth Vader is Luke's dad, and Leia is Luke's sister. This means Darth Vader is Leia's father, too. (Yay for simple logic!) But what kind of father holds their daughter hostage? Maybe this was explained in the intro text that moved too fast.
And why was Leia on the rebel side to begin with?Lucasfilm
Wouldn't it make sense for her to side with her father? Maybe this was also in the intro text. We really should've paused the movie and read it more carefully.
How did the good guys get off the death star?Lucasfilm
This was kind of a vital part of the movie, but we totally missed it. Oops?
How did Luke learn how to pilot a ship?Lucasfilm
He was this whiny farm boy with no hope of getting out of that life anytime soon. Adventure didn't seem to be his middle name, but then BOOM! He's suddenly flying ships like a regular pro.
And how did a wookiee learn to pilot a ship?Lucasfilm
Like, did Chewbacca have to take a driver's test or something first? Did Han teach him and if so, who taught Han?
Why are some lasers different colors?Lucasfilm
We noticed various ship lasers and gun blasters shot out rays of red and green "light" or whatever. Was there a particular reason for this, or was it just because it looked pretty?
Where is the "Luke, I am your father" line?Lucasfilm
We know that's not the actual line, but we spent the entire movie waiting for it and were sadly disappointed.
Where is Yoda?Lucasfilm
Yoda seems to be one of the main faces of the entire saga, and you're telling us he wasn't even in the OG film? Rip off.
Is Jar Jar Binks in this or no?Lucasfilm
Also, why does the internet hate him so much?
WTF is the Force?Lucasfilm
Is the Force supposed to be like God or something? Is it ever revealed to be an actual entity, or does it just remain as some mystical invisible thing? We demand an explanation.