New World Pictures

16 Horrible Lessons ‘Heathers’ Taught Us About Mean-Girling

Cool girl cruelty of the first order.

Long before Regina George and Chanel gave you endlessly cringeworthy quotables, there were the “Heathers,” the O.G. movie mean girls. There were three Heathers to be exact -- all given the same then-trendy name and meant to rule their high school with a silver fist since their privileged births. These girls were pinnacles of priss, traipsing around campus with the biggest bitch-chips on their shoulders, and they had no apology whatsoever to show for any of their misgivings.

In “Heathers,” Veronica (Winona Ryder), who was blue blood enough to join their ranks thanks to her in-house croquet court, aimed to infiltrate the clique and stop the madness. But she had to save face first and go along with what the trio of terror were doing because, in her words, the job description was simply to “be popular and sh-t.”

Thanks to Veronica’s espionage experience (and, um, all that followed), we learned a ton about what it means to be a pre-”Mean Girls” mean girl. And that whole pink on Wednesdays thing was child’s play compared to what these rotten wenches were pulling.

Here are the rules of mean-girling as told by the 1988 cult classic.

  1. An exclusive lemonade sesh surrounded by a fortress of flowers really helps to set the “No Normies Allowed” tone.

    But only if you trample those lowly plants after you’re done, of course.

  2. Humiliating someone is appropriate when they’re willing participates.

    And especially when there’s a giant ball involved. Gotta get the permish for that one, for legal reasons.

  3. Forging love notes from the class hottie is OK if you think it’ll make the poor recipient happy.

    Even if not, really. Also? Requiring a fellow mean girl to bend over and become a human writing table in the middle of the cafeteria is totally normal.

  4. Being inducted into the mean girls club means no more reminiscing with old, non-cool girl pals.
    New World Pictures

    To hell with you and your cutesy throwback Halloween photos.

  5. If you’re going to approach the mysterious hot guy in the corner, come with a so-bad-it’s-awesome question prepared.

    “You inherit five million dollars, and aliens say they’re going to blow up the Earth in two days. What do you do with the money?” VALID inquiry.

  6. Angry “Dear Diary” moments REQUIRE the use of a monacle to emphasize your extreme ire.
    New World Pictures

    100% necessary.

  7. “I’m gonna have to motor” is the only acceptable way to excuse yourself from your parents’ patio pâté party.
    New World Pictures
  8. If your squad leader gets you into a college party, you better not slip up and embarrass her with your uncontrollable non-coolness.
  9. If you’re going to pray for a lost BFFrenemy, make sure you ask for them to “get into Heaven and all that.”
  10. Grooming always comes first.

    Even if it means using holy water in your hair.

  11. If you’ve just threatened a fellow mean girl, don’t eat/drink/smell/touch anything they give you ever again.
  12. And if someone challenges your authority, cut 'em down with a sick jab like this one:
  13. The color red in any wearable form belongs to the pack leader ONLY.

    A usurp of said throne earns the right to use the red scrunchie, BTW.

  14. It’s totally on the level to force your BFF ditch her actual boyf if the guy you wanna spend time with wants his dateless wingman to tag along.

    Especially if cow-tipping in a field is involved.

  15. NEVER EVER EVER call into a radio show and spill your guts. You will be an embarrassment to the actual cool girls and will be punished accordingly.
  16. If someone dares to ever tell you no, they’re obvi just jealous of you and are to be ignored immediately and forever.