The Book Of Love, According To 'American Horror Story: Hotel'

Lesson one: eating people is fun.

"American Horror Story: Hotel" has taught us a many a thing about this game we call life. Like how all dead serial killers get together once a year for a fancy dinner party, for example, and how Yelp reviews seemingly don't deter guests from visiting Murder Hotels. Heck, we've even learned that when mega-hot Swedish ladies go missing on vacation, literally no one cares! Hey man, it's a madcap "AHS" world, and we've just got to live in it.

But the most valuable lessons learned from "AHS" this season all involve pages from the book of love -- and there have been many of them, so we've gone ahead and done you a favor by organizing them all into your love Bible. You're welcome!

  • When it comes to the bedroom, four is better than two.

    Only for a time, though. When they start to get old, get rid of them.

  • A great consolation prize for any dumped BF? Eternal life!

    Isn't it better to have to spend an eternity alone, Matt Bomer, than just one measly lifetime?

  • If bae pisses you off, definitely slaughter her army of creepy vampire children.

    Hit her where it hurts.

  • Just cause you're sucking on a dude, doesn't mean you're gay.

    This one should be obvious, but it's important to remember!

  • Never let your charity case steal your man.

    So embarrassing.

  • (And totally feel free to get nasty, if you need to.)
  • Every couple of decades, be sure to trade up.

    Ramona Royale was so 1982. Donovan was so 2005.

  • True love is totally possible after only a couple of days.

    It worked for Jack and Rose...

  • If you choose to have children, only love one of them.

    Even if he eats the dog.

  • Couples who Pâté together, stay together.


  • Couples who slay together, also stay together -- for 20 years, give or take.

    See above note on trading up.

  • Netflix and chill? More like "Neflix and kill your sex life."

    This one is actually real. Actually listen to this. I swear.

  • It's totally cool to have a type.

    Brown hair, blue eyes, and square jawed is the way to go on "AHS."

  • And finally, there is no purer form of love than that of a vampire mother to her deformed, deranged, violent, eternally infant monster-baby.

    <3 <3 <3