Nobody Panic, But [SPOILER] Just Got Kidnapped On 'Empire'

Was that the show's craziest episode to day? (Answer: yes.)

Well, that was crazy. Just when you thought "Empire" couldn't get any more insane, they go and let our bb Hakeem get kidnapped.

We've come to expect this type of madcap storytelling from "Empire," but "Be True" was its most frustrating and (delightfully) dramatic yet. The show moves at a rapid-fire pace, and that's obviously one of the reasons people love it, but "Empire" is honestly at its best when it slows down to focus on its characters. "Be True" had some great character moments -- Andre came clean to his family about his past sins, Hakeem apologized to his new Beyoncé for being too touchy-feely, and Lucious came face-to-face with a traumatic event from his past -- but it went completely off the rails in the process.

Here are the most batsh-t crazy moments from Season 2, Episode 5 ("Be Free"):

  • Lucious' charges were dropped.

    Thanks to Lucious and Thirsty's Murder-y Breakfast Club's little stunt, Lucious' charges were dropped and poor Roxanne Ford had to take a leave of absence to deal with the trauma of finding a DEAD BODY in the passenger seat of her car.

    Meanwhile, Andre returned to Empire with a brand new title: President of Gutter Life Records. When Lucious signed Frank's daughter Freda to the label, he did so with the intention of reviving Gutter Life. However, Andre doesn't quite fit in with the Gutter Life lifestyle, but that didn't stop Lucious from sending a few strippers his way for a ~private~ party.

  • Lyon Dynasty was marked.

    Lyon Dynasty was "marked" by local neighborhood thugs looking to extort money from Cookie. It all started when Tiana was assaulted while waiting for her car outside of Ghetto-Ass Studios. They took her designer bag, her weed and had the gall to upload a threatening message online. Cookie knew what was up. You know, because she's from the streets where apparently things like this happen all the time?

    Although, we know Cookie doesn't play when it comes to things like this. Enter Hot Concert Promoter. One minute he and Cookie are talking business and the next they're saving Lyon Dynasty's masters from being stolen by Lucious' lackeys. We know Lucious plays dirty, but Cookie wasn't going to let him walk away with her masters. They made quite the ass-kicking team, so it's only a matter of time before Cookie offers him some of her cookies.

  • Andre cleansed his soul.

    Andre decided to get baptized in an effort to wash away some of his more heinous sins. "I’m not a good person, mom,” he told Cookie. "I’ve done horrible things." Andre, buddy, your ENTIRE family has done horrible things. You're not alone.

    But before he could be baptized, he needed to come clean to his family about some of his wrongdoings. He then proceeded to stage a "Confessions" tour, à la Usher, and dished out the family dirt. He told Jamal how he paid those guys to come to Ghetto-Ass Studios last season and beat the crap out of him. Jamal and Hakeem were upset, but they got over it. Then, he told Lucious that he help Cookie conspire against him when she got out of prison. Again, it was all water under the bridge for Papa Lyon. But when Andre asked Lucious to come to his baptism, that's when things got awkward.

    Lucious told Andre that it was all fake, that God and the church meant nothing to him. What Andre didn't know was that Lucious was harboring his own deep, dark secrets. His issues with Andre's baptism actually stemmed from a traumatic event in his own past. His mother once repeatedly held him down in a pool of water in the bathtub, and seeing Andre get baptized brought up all of these terrible memories. It's incredibly hard to like Lucious, given what a d-bag he is, but scenes like this almost make me empathize with him.

  • Michael cheated on Jamal.

    With FAUX WARHOL Chase One of all people. The man who said things like, "A mouth is a mouth!" BIG MISTAKE, Michael. We guess Jamal will be going on his tour with Ne-Yo solo now.

  • Hakeem was kidnapped.

    As it turns out those thugs who "marked" Lyon Dynasty weren't joking when they said they'd be back. They came back alright -- and they took our poor bb Hakeem with them.

    TBH, we're a little surprised Hakeem wasn't running with his entourage. The kid doesn't walk the streets without a fancy escort, but somehow running shirtless and alone is? Needless to say, s--t just got real. We seriously can't wait to see Lucious and Cookie team up and take these guys out.