'Empire' Just Wrecked Our Soul With This Crazy Surprise In 'Poor Yorick'

'This is wrecking my soul.'

"Empire" has got its groove back. After a so-so start to season 2, "Empire" amped up the crazy in Wednesday night's (Oct. 14) episode, "Poor Yorick." Throats were slashed, bodies were dug up and power moves were played. Just another day at Empire, right?

Andre (finally) took center stage in "Poor Yorick," but his family had more than enough drama of their own to fill 42 minutes of screen time. Cookie went head to head with Roxanne Ford, while Hakeem nearly took a baseball bat to Jamal’s head (and discovered a new Beyoncé for Mirage a Trois). Oh, and Jamal became living art... or something. Here's every bats--t moment from the episode:

  • Empire Entertainment gets a surprise visit.

    ...From the FBI. Surprise! Roxanne Ford, the prosecuting attorney who's desperate to put Lucious back behind bars, isn't letting up anytime soon. She gets a warrant to search not only Empire HQ, but also Lyon Dynasty and Lucious' McMansion. But what she doesn't understand is that her move only boosted Lucious' profile. "If the cops raid your house, that makes you a G," Lucious tells his board members, including the always-fabulous Mimi Whiteman. "If the Feds raid your house, that makes you an OG."

    Lucious didn't sweat Roxanne's obvious power move. With Vernon M.I.A. (aka six feet under, thanks to Rhonda), she's desperate to find the evidence to put Lucious behind bars. But Roxanne, like Thirsty, plays dirty. After arresting Cookie on bulls--t charges -- "If I die in police custody, I did not commit suicide," Cookie says as she's handcuffed -- Roxanne threatens to leak Andre's medical information to the press if she doesn't help her. "If you don't give me what I want, I'll come after your boys." You do not want to play that game, Roxanne.

  • Don't call Cookie a snitch.

    When push comes to shove, Cookie will ALWAYS protect her sons and her burgeoning empire. After a few hours in the interrogation room, Cookie comes up with the perfect lie. Since she has no idea whether Lucious actually killed Bunkie -- Lucious still denies it, BTW -- she tells Roxanne that Bunkie and Lucious were fighting over a radio station, Apex, before he showed up dead. Of course, right after he was released from prison, Lucious made a deal with Apex, so Cookie's story seems kinda legit. If anything, Cookie's false confession puts Lucious' Apex deal in serious jeopardy, which means Lyon Dynasty is no longer blacklisted from the radio. Good looking out, Cookie.

  • Lucious and Cookie, together again.

    Taraji P. Henson and Terrence Howard's chemistry is off the charts, and frankly, "Empire" suffered by splitting these two up earlier this season. The scenes between Cookie and Lucious are some of my favorites because they push each other to be fearless. Also, amazing dialogue like this happens: "Shut up. Look at your fat stomach." NEVER CHANGE, COOKIE.

  • Lyons at war.

    Another week, another senseless fight between Jamal and Hakeem. Jamal lands his first Rolling Stone cover, shot by famed photographer Chase One ("Buffy The Vampire Slayer"'s Adam Busch) who says a whole bunch of nonsense about ~art~ and integrity, and Hakeem is totally jealous of all of the attention his older bro is getting. (Also, Jamal tells the reporter his new album is called The Artist and it's being produced by Lucious Lyon. LOL.)

    Meanwhile, Lucious tries to lure Hakeem away from Dynasty with a sick beat, a trick that (thankfully) Hakeem was smart enough to see coming from a mile away. We're not sure what Lucious' end plan is here. Does he want Hakeem to get jealous and act out? Is this his way of lighting a fire under his son's ass and motivating him to start his own empire over at Dynasty? In some sick, twisted way, I think it might be.

    That doesn't stop Lucious from bringing Jamal and Hakeem together to shoot the music video for Jamal's Empire single "Ain't About The Money." The theme for the music video is a "post-apocalyptic Black Panther" in which 'Mal and 'Keem fight police brutality and oppression. "It's not a time for subtlety" might be the realest thing a character on "Empire" has ever said.

    During the shoot, Chase One presents Jamal with a painting he made from their Rolling Stone shoot a few days prior. (Is he supposed to be imitating Andy Warhol or nah?) Hakeem, jealous and acting like a spoiled brat, TBH, slits painting-Jamal's throat. Real classy, kid.

    But in the end, it may be Hakeem who gets the last laugh. 'Keem finds the new star of his girl group singing in a bar -- and she is AMAZING. More music from her immediately, "Empire."

  • Andre is talking to God... again.

    Andre is really going through it this season. "Dad, all I do is love you," he tells Lucious. "And all you do is continue to shut me out." But Lucious isn't shutting Andre out; he just doesn't know how to deal with his illness. It's clearly something that brings up bad memories for him, and in some way, he might even feel responsible. So, Andre makes a deal with him: if he can make his father's FBI troubles go away, he gets to be Empire's CFO again. Lucious agrees to the deal.

    Cut to Andre and Rhonda -- a true "ride or die" chick -- digging up Vernon's body in the goddamn woods. Of course, not before Andre tells Rhonda that he's been talking to God and that God has told him to do it. Yeah... I'm a little worried for Andre, and clearly, so is Rhonda.

    Anyway, Andre and Rhonda try (and fail) several times to locate Vernon's body. Apparently, they didn't notice that all the trees looked the same that night. Just when they're about to give up, Lucious and Thirsty show up with your "basic corpse detection system" in hand. Lucious had Thirsty put a tracking device on Andre's car because he kinda figured that his son had a body (i.e. Vernon's) to dig up.

    So where do they decide to stash Vernon's dead body? In the passenger seat of Roxanne's car! Yeah. That’ll definitely get the prosecutor off your back, Lucious.