"The Man From U.N.C.L.E." hits theaters this Friday (August 14), and surely, there's a whole lot about the film to talk about -- like attractive man Armie Hammer's relationship with other attractive man Henry Cavill, for example, and the super mod '60s cars and costumes. But when we screened the film, we had an "unfortunate" time paying attention to anything but Hammer's mesmerizing, soul-piercing baby blue eyes.
Like, seriously -- how does one human being come to own every single item on the conventionally attractive human being checklist? Like, tall? Yup, Armie's got that: he's 6'5". Muscular build? Obviously, but not too muscular to the point where it becomes distracting. Blonde hair? Oh boy, is it ever. But it's the eyes that truly slay... as evidenced by the photos below, which took us 17 hours to round up because we kept getting lost in them, to the point where we received many concerned phone calls from our loved ones.
Proceed with caution:
The time they gazed into the abyss and the abyss stared back.Cindy Ord/Getty Images for SiriusXM
What is even real?
The time they tried -- and failed -- to hide Armie's identity behind a mask.Disney
The only good part about "The Lone Ranger" was those eyes, TBH.
The time he played two people so there were four of them.Columbia Pictures
"Where's your twin brother, Armie?" is a joke we're sure he's not tired of hearing.
The time they perfectly matched the deep blue depths of the "Man From U.N.C.L.E." poster.Mark Sagliocco/FilmMagic
(Damn you for making us type out U.N.C.L.E. every single time, movie.)
The time they joined forces with Henry Cavill's for a smolder sesh that wasn't quite fair.Ray Tamarra/GC Images
Stop, guys. The genetics just aren't fair.
**No words**Dave J Hogan/Getty Images
Now it's our turn to stare into that abyss...
When they stared into the heavens -- their once and future home.Getty
All beautiful blues go to heaven. This is fact.
The time they smized.Michael Tran/FilmMagic
And when you smize, the whole world stops and stares for a while...
The time they made us feel patriotic as hell.Dave J Hogan/Getty Images
A true American hero, this guy.
The time they asked you to come hither and you straight up almost died.Franziska Krug/Getty Images
And then they hypnotized you and you can't be held responsible for what you did next.JOHANNES EISELE/AFP/Getty Images
I lost four hours of my life that night.
The time they made Leo giggle like a schoolgirl.Lester Cohen/WireImage
The one and only time we ever had anything in common with Leonardo DiCaprio.
And finally, the time they were so mesmerizing they attracted the local wildlife.
This was the only time in history that a non-rabid raccoon chose a human being over a garbage can. Fact.