"Princess Protection Program," the 2009 Disney Channel Original Movie starring Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez, is about two teenaged girls from different worlds who learn to put aside their differences and become friends. But while the movie is full of empowering messages about girl power, self-esteem and helping your community, I'm only interested in one thing: The Princess Protection Program itself.
An elite organization funded by royal families from around the globe, the P.P.P. extracts princesses from dangerous political situations and shelters them in a Witness Protection-style new identity until balance has been restored to their kingdoms and they can return home. What an amazing concept! And yet, we barely see the agency at all -- instead the movie focuses on Princess Rosalinda's (Demi Lovato) fish-out-of-water experience getting to know Carter (Selena Gomez). Which is cool, don't get me wrong, but we coulda had S.H.I.E.L.D. for princesses! HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN?
So on the off-chance that the Disney Channel ever announces a sequel to the "Princess Protection Program," here are some questions I really, really need to know the answers to:
Who created the P.P.P.?Disney Channel
Did some enterprising super-spy go to all the royal families of the world like, "Hey, what if something happens to your daughters?" Or did a king or queen create it to protect their own child and figure that some of their political allies might want in on the action?
How are the sovereign nations who fund the P.P.P. able to keep their involvement hidden from their subjects?
Unless these royal families were footing the bill from their own wealth, surely the taxpayers would be curious as to what their hard-earned wages end up paying for.
How does one become a Princess Protection Program employee?Disney Channel
Do they get recruited, like the Avengers? Does the Director just show up places like Nick Fury does? Can I please have a Princess Protection cinematic universe with several tie-in TV shows on the Disney Channel to explore this idea?
How old is the Princess Protection Program?Disney Channel
Are they involved in other cases of missing princesses? DID THEY WHISK AWAY ANASTASIA? Please, I need to know this.
Where are all these princesses even from?Disney Channel
The Director says are 29 princesses in the care of the P.P.P., which is actually not that weird a number considering that there are 41 different monarchies in the world (42 if you count Costa Luna, of course). But how are they all in danger at once? Wouldn't someone notice that all the princesses are missing? Can the next movie please have a journalist slowly trying to crack that case because oh my God, I want that so badly.
Why not tell the princesses that the P.P.P. exists in the first place?Disney Channel
Surely it would help expedite things when they need to be extracted, and they'd be way more prepared for the culture shock of having to leave their homes. And given that Rosalinda was about to be crowned queen, she'd probably need to know soon anyway to prepare for the possibility of having children herself.
What happens to the princes when things get rough?Disney Channel
Do they get their own protection program? Please say yes. Please give me an entire spin-off movie based on that concept.
Does every kingdom have its own P.P.P. agent?Disney Channel
Like, how long has Carter's dad been stationed in Costa Luna? Was that always his mission or does he get rented out every time a king or queen thinks there's the possibility of a coup?
How does the P.P.P. choose where to send their princesses?Disney Channel
Judging from the presentation they give Rosalinda, I'm assuming they go for the exact opposite climate that each princess is accustomed to.
Why would the P.P.P. send princesses out undercover rather than just hide them at their base?Disney Channel
Is it because of the extradition laws that get Kane in trouble when he tries to abduct Rosie? Or is it just better for the princesses' safety in case their base is ever discovered? Either way, princesses from war-torn countries are pretty public figures, so it's weird that the P.P.P. would be so willing to let them loose in an unfamiliar environment. But also, kinda awesome. Let me continue to stress how awesome a concept this is.
Why does Rosie need a haircut?Disney Channel
If it was to help her disguise herself and blend in to American society more, wouldn't it have made sense to give her a more dramatic haircut? Or was this the best they could do because she refused?
Why couldn't Rosie have just been homeschooled?Disney Channel
Listen, I know the answer is "because then there wouldn't have been a movie," but arguably Rosie drew more attention to herself by going to high school with Carter -- especially when the popular girls found out her secret via a Spanish language magazine in their library. In rural Louisiana, it wouldn't have been too weird for her to be homeschooled for "religious" reasons or something, right?
How often do the princesses get stranded forever?Disney Channel
Like, what if the rebellion against the royal Costa Luna family had gotten bloody and Magnus Kane successfully took over as dictator? Would Rosie just have to live with the Masons forever? Man, that'd be such a bummer. You know, except for them being best friends forever. Then that'd be rad.