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Here's Why We Need A 'Friends' Tell-All Movie Now

They don't know that we know they know we know.

For those of us who've not only torn through every season an embarrassing number of times but also enjoyed all the episode commentaries (maybe even more than once, but don't tell our moms 'cause they'll worry), we know a lot about our "Friends."

They're pretty much real to us at this point. They put us to bed on the late-night re-run stations, and they're the voices in our heads tsk-tsking when someone pulls a Monica. They'll be there for us, essentially.

But we still have questions. A lot of them, actually. And with all these throwback TV shows getting the unauthorized biography treatment on "Lifetime" lately -- first "Saved By the Bell," then "Full House," and now "90210" and "Melrose Place" -- we think there's more than enough material to work with to make the inevitable "Friends" mockumentary happen ASAP. Especially since, you know, there'll never be a reunion movie (sob).

What kinds of things could we find out, you ask? Well, there are the obvious issues, like who pulled the best on-set pranks; were there any nicknames; and who had some hidden romances -- 'cause, seriously, as Janice would say, "Who of the six of you has slept with who of the six of you?" and/or "Have any of you ever ... almost?"

But we're thinking more specific than that. Here's our list of need-to-knows. (Add yours to the comments below!)

  1. Did Lisa Kudrow actually give good massages?
    Warner Bros.
  2. Did David Arquette ever stalk Courteney Cox on the set?
    Warner Bros.
  3. Who slaps harder: Jennifer Aniston or Christina Applegate?
    Warner Bros.
  4. Did anyone ever really lose their virginity in that van?
    Warner Bros.
  5. Who had the high score on Ms. Pacman? And who was the foosballiest of them all?
    Warner Bros.
  6. Did the "Friends" ever actually have Thanksgiving dinner together?
    Warner Bros.
  7. Why did Monica and Phoebe never kiss? What about Ross and Chandler?
    Warner Bros.
  8. How many people had to audition before they found Joey's hand-twin for the Vegas episode?
    Warner Bros.
  9. What were they really eating in the episode with Rachel's trifling trifle?
    Warner Bros.
  10. Did anyone have a for-real "nubbin" (third nipple)?
    Warner Bros.
  11. Who ended up with Phoebe's hippity-hop? The Magna-Doodle?
    Warner Bros.
  12. What was Matt LeBlanc's IRL pick-up line?
    Warner Bros.

You so couldn't stop us from watching this anymore than Joey could stop the rest from watching his vintage milk commercial, so please oh please, make it happen.