After 31 years, five films, a TV show, and more "I'll be back" parodies to even count, I finally sat my butt down and watched James Cameron's original, 1984 "The Terminator" on Monday (June 29). It probably goes without saying that I was instantly hooked -- despite the '80s effects the T-800 (Arnold Schwarzenegger) was still terrifying, and despite the '80s hair, Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton) and Kyle Reese (Michael Biehn) were still mesmerizing leads that were easy to root for.
And the laser beams -- oh, the laser beams!
Of course, I did have quite a few questions for the film, questions that will either be answered when I watch "T2" on the bus to Boston this weekend, or die forever with the OG Kyle Reese. Check 'em out below!
Why didn't Kyle or the T-800 smuggle stuff in when they time traveled?Orion Pictures
Okay, so I know that they tell us later in the film that only living tissue can get through -- and that's fine, whatever. But then they reveal that the T-800s can get through, because they have living tissue surrounding all of the artificial stuff. So, to get totally gross here, doesn't that mean that Kyle and/or the T-800 could have realistically smuggled stuff from the future in their, um, crevices? Couldn't that have maybe been helpful, in terms of future weaponry and such?
I don't know, time travel, guys.
Why does Sarah Connor let her iguana roam free around the apartment?Orion Pictures
Realistically, this iguana would be dead within a week.
Why wouldn't Lance Henriksen leave a message on Sarah Connor's machine?
Seriously, this is just shoddy police work. He knows that she's next on the T-800's phonebook murder list, and we know that she has an answering machine. If he'd actually bothered to leave a message those multiple times he tried to call her, Ginger and her man might actually still be alive.
How can the Terminators have living tissue without a heart?Orion Pictures
A heart pumping blood is what creates living tissue, but from what we saw at the end of the film, Arnold's T-800 doesn't seem to have anything pumping blood through his system.
Why did Kyle have sex with Sarah?Orion Pictures
Without going too insane with the time travel stuff, we do know that Kyle didn't know that he was John Connor's father. So why would he sleep with Sarah and risk making John's conception never happen? Like, assuming he thought the father would be someone else, he had to know that sleeping with her could result in a pregnancy that would interfere with the timeline of John's birth. Blah.
Does a timeline exist where Kyle was not the father?Orion Pictures
It's possible, right? Could it have been that dude that stood Sarah up in the beginning of the film? I mean, we never meet John in the first "Terminator," so maybe he's a slightly different version of the JC savior than the one created by Sarah and Kyle?
Why wouldn't Skynet just send more Terminators?Orion Pictures
Strength in numbers. And backup plans.
What would the Terminator have done if he'd actually killed Sarah Connor?Orion Pictures
Gotten a job in the '80s? Played a robot in a major motion picture? Gotten a head start in killing all the humans?
... And on that note, why did the Terminator kill all of those cops?Orion Pictures
The Terminator drew an extreme amount of attention to himself in his quest to kill Sarah, which undoubtedly could be bad for the future of Skynet -- if humans encountered an evil, malicious robot in the '80s, then why would they start working to create more A.I. (Skynet?) before Judgement Day in the '90s?
You'd think Skynet would have programmed him to have more chill, as to keep history repeating itself, and keep the humans dumb.
Why did the T-800 stop speaking after he lost his human flesh?Orion Pictures
The ability to speak came from the robotic stuff -- not the actual lips on his face. So like, why stop doling out the great one-liners?
How did women in the '80s even physically do that to their hair?Orion Pictures
I don't know of a hair tool that exists that could create those bangs. THOSE BANGS.
How did Arnold get to the club so quickly in the Los Angeles traffic?Orion Pictures
I lived there for 4.5 years. Don't act like you can get from Culver City or wherever they were living to Downtown LA in five minutes -- even if you take Pico.
Oh, and by the way, what the f--k actually is Skynet?Orion Pictures
Don't hate, but I haven't seen "T2" yet (I plan on it now, I swear!) and therefore have no idea what this world-ending technology actually is. Is it kind of like Ultron, where all of the machines share the same consciousness? Or is there actual leadership, with guys like the T-800s serving as the worker bees?
... And if Skynet started a nuclear war, wouldn't they blow up themselves in the process?Orion Pictures
Nothing survives a nuclear war... not even machines. Come on, guys.