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'Grey' Is Here: Our Rundown Of Every Lip Bite, Tie And 'Fifty Shades' Flogging

My inner goddess is writing a live blog.

Oh crap, "Fifty Shades of Grey" fans... Today (June 18) is a historic day -- because at the stroke of midnight, we finally got to find out what happened between Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey from our leading man's perspective.

In order to properly capture the thrust of this event -- you know, hit it just right -- I'll be reading E.L. James' entire new novel in one sitting, updating you throughout with each crap, double crap, lip bite, flogging and, you know, some of the dirtier stuff.

Consider this your binding contract to read along with MTV News.

8:26 A.M. - It Begins

Sex Count: 0

Lip Bites: 0

I'm headed out to the Brooklyn Barnes & Noble right now to grab my copy, and will return with 576 pages of your favorite erotica (and hopefully, a cup of coffee, because I was up all night biting my lip with breathless anticipation).

10:21 A.M. - The Interview

Sex Count: 0

Lip Bites: 3

After a coffee and a run to the book store, I'm officially in action. The clerk at Barnes & Noble said I was the first person in Brooklyn Heights to obtain a copy -- however, that was probably due to my 9:03 purchase time, and he also noted that multiple people had been calling since 7 o'clock to ask if the book would be in stock.

Anyway, on to the story. The interview from Christian's perspective is so dirty. He's as obsessed with Anastasia's mouth as you'd think he is -- she bites her lip three times during the interview alone, which prompts Christian to think to himself, "I imagine f--king that mouth to distract myself from all thoughts of hunger. Yes, that mouth needs training." DAMN.

Also of note is the fact that, to Christian, Anastasia looks like a hot mess (a sexy hot mess) who shops at "Old Navy or H&M" and manages to drop her recorder on his "Bauhaus coffee table" multiple times. He's into this, though.

11:14 A.M. - True Love Begins

Sex Count: 0

Lip Bites: 4

50-ish pages in, and I'm ready for the sex to start -- though experiencing Christian's version of the events in the hardware store and the coffee shop was quite interesting. Despite his too-cool demeanor the dude has no internal chill, and thinks that every single male who interacts with Anastasia is sleeping with her. "As she tells me she likes her tea weak and black, for a moment I think she's describing what she likes in a man. Get a grip, Grey. She's talking about tea."

Also, it's important to note that Christan Grey likes to tell us when his "c--k twitches," which is a lot (let's start counting that!), and that Anastasia smells like "an apple orchard in the fall."

11:59 A.M. - Ginger Root

Sex Count: 0

Lip Bites: 5

C--k twitches: 4

Just checking in to inform you all that, immediately after Christian delivered his "if you were mine you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week" gem, he started fantasizing about a "peeled gingerroot inserted in her ass so she can't clutch her buttocks." I will never think of ginger in the same way again -- and I love ginger.

12:08 P.M. - Crap!

Sex Count: 0

Lip Bites: 5

C--k twitches: 4

Anastasia has just uttered the word "crap" from her sensuous mouth for the first time... on page 70. So clearly, she thinks it in her head much, much more than she says it out loud.

12:34 P.M. - Charlie Tango

Sex Count: 0

Lip Bites: 7

C--k twitches: 7

Has Anastasia eaten lately? Yes -- she picked at some pancakes, bacon and eggs.

We're FINALLY approaching the big night -- which is great, because Ana won't stop biting her lip and as a result, Christian's c--k won't stop twitching. He says he wants to "f--k her bound and with her smart mouth gagged," and I believe him.

12:53 P.M. - The Big Reveal

Sex Count: 0

Lip Bites: 9

C--k twitches: 9

Has Anastasia eaten lately? Just a few grapes.

Woah. Christian is mad that Anastasia is a virgin. "Anger lances through me. What can I do with a virgin? I glare at her as fury surges through my body."

Like, seriously -- the fact that she couldn't even say the word "sex" without her supple cheeks turning a deep shade of crimson as she gnawed on her full, sensuous lip didn't tip you off?

1:26 P.M. - I'm Blogging When I Should Be Having A Cigarette

Sex Count: 2

Lip Bites: 10

C--k twitches: 14

Has Anastasia eaten lately? Nah.

Okay, so Anastasia has had sex twice now and can literally have an orgasm on command. Girl's got skills. Christian is feeling. This.

1:35 P.M. - More Weird Food S--t

Sex Count: 2

Lip Bites: 10

C--k twitches: 15

Has Anastasia eaten lately? Nope!

Anastasia is making eggs. She wants to know how Christian likes them. "Thoroughly whisked and beaten," he says. HAH.

1:54 P.M. - Oral Assessment

Sex Count: 2.5

Lip Bites: 14

C--k twitches: 16

Has Anastasia eaten lately? Only a few bites of eggs, which infuriated Christian.

Ana just got an "A" in oral skills! It's like Christian plucked her straight from the pages of a dude fantasy porn catalog!

2:09 P.M. - Wax Poetic

Sex Count: 4

Lip Bites: 14

C--k twitches: 16

Has Anastasia eaten lately? Nope!

During Ana's first oral sex experience on the receiving end, we learn why Christian is hesitant about her pubic hair: "it's no good for way play..."

2:20 P.M. - Problems in Darfur

Sex Count: 4

Lip Bites: 15

C--k twitches: 16

Has Anastasia eaten lately? Nope!

There's a problem with Christian's shipment in Darfur. Did I mention that a surprising portion of this book is about Darfur? Because it is.

2:52 P.M. - More Sex

Sex Count: 4

Lip Bites: 20

C--k twitches: 16

Has Anastasia eaten lately? Nettle soup, of course. A bite or two of venison.

As Christian and Ana begin to have sex (again) and he notices her "eyes are dark, full of promise and longing" -- and after so, so many mentions of that damn apple orchard -- it dawns on me again that this is a woman writing a man's brain and doing an... interesting... job of it.

3:14 P.M. - More Sex

Sex Count: 5

Lip Bites: 20

C--k twitches: 16

Has Anastasia eaten lately? Not to my knowledge.

I'm back, after a cat firmly plopping down on my book signaled the fact that it was time for me to pull an anti-Ana and eat some lunch.

But like -- why do Christian and Ana change the email subject each time they write each other back and forth? Isn't that exhausting? Oye, the witty banter!

3:20 P.M. - More Sex

Sex Count: 5

Lip Bites: 20

C--k twitches: 16

Has Anastasia eaten lately? Not to my knowledge.

Oh boy. Christian just called Ana a "goddess." If only he knew!

3:34 P.M. - Food Porn

Sex Count: 5

Lip Bites: 20

C--k twitches: 16

Has Anastasia eaten lately? "Three oysters, four bites of bod, and one asparagus stalk, no potatoes, no nuts, no olives... and you've not eaten all day." (Luckily, Christian is keeping track so I don't have to.)

Does anyone else think that the food and wine mentions in this book can be hotter than the sex stuff? And also, can I have Anastasia's leftovers? From what I hear, she leaves plenty to go around.

3:36 P.M. - Food Porn, Continued

Sex Count: 5

Lip Bites: 21

C--k twitches: 16

Has Anastasia eaten lately? Three oysters, four bites of bod, and TWO asparagus stalks.

Ana just fellated a stalk of asparagus.

4:06 P.M. - Soft Limits

Sex Count: 5

Lip Bites: 21

C--k twitches: 16

Has Anastasia eaten lately? A three-course meal with Ray -- or so she says.

"I'd really like to claim your ass, Anastasia."

Who says true love is dead?!

4:21 P.M. - F--ked Up

Sex Count: 6

Lip Bites: 23

C--k twitches: 16

Has Anastasia eaten lately? A three-course meal with Ray -- or so she says.

Christian tells Ana he's "fifty shades of f--ked up" after their fourth time having full-on intercourse. The dreams he's been having, where "mommy" makes him eat "cheese with blue fur on it" and hits him, belabor that point.

4:29 P.M. - FINALLY

Sex Count: 6

Lip Bites: 23

C--k twitches: 16

Has Anastasia eaten lately? A three-course meal with Ray -- or so she says.

258 pages in, and Anastasia finally gets spanked. Christian really doesn't like it when women roll their eyes!

"Her ass is pinking up gloriously," he thinks to himself. "It looks glorious." (Again, this was definitely, definitely written by a woman.)

4:38 P.M. - I've Reached My Soft Limit...

Sex Count: 7

Lip Bites: 23

C--k twitches: 17

Has Anastasia eaten lately? A three-course meal with Ray -- or so she says.

... On Christian saying the word "behind."

"I found some baby oil. Let me rub it into your behind," he says after the spanking.

Also, let it be known that Christian is extremely concerned about Ana going to bed at a time he deems reasonable.

4:54 P.M. - Online Dating

Sex Count: 7

Lip Bites: 23

C--k twitches: 17

Has Anastasia eaten lately? Not to my knowledge!

Dude, Christian loves Anastasia's funny emails. He's repeating her dad jokes in his brain and laughing to himself at work meetings. "She's funny," he thinks. "I never knew I liked that in a woman."

5:26 P.M. - The Dirty Stuff

Sex Count: 7

Lip Bites: 24

C--k twitches: 17

Has Anastasia eaten lately? Oh, she loved that chicken caesar salad.

We're getting into the riding crop/Red Room of Pain stuff now. Christian keeps saying stuff like "showtime, Grey" to calm his nerves.

He's also telling Ana that they're going to do it on a Saint Andrew's Cross, and as a good Catholic woman my brain is too focused on the fact that St. Andrew was the first disciple of Christ and died slowly on a cross for two days as he was martyred to really get into this riding crop situation.

5:35 P.M. - The Dirty Stuff, Continued

Sex Count: 8

Lip Bites: 24

C--k twitches: 17

Has Anastasia eaten lately? Still just the chicken caesar salad.

One week into Ana having sex, and I've officially lost count of her orgasms. I think it's somewhere around 343,832.

5:51 P.M. - The Dirty Stuff, Part 3

Sex Count: 9

Lip Bites: 24

C--k twitches: 17

Has Anastasia eaten lately? Still just the chicken caesar salad.

Welp, one more time in the Red Room of Pain and they're done for the night. I hope. I can't take much more "God, she's sweet" or "her plump, pink buttocks" from Christian.

5:58 P.M. - LOL

Sex Count: 9

Lip Bites: 24

C--k twitches: 17

Has Anastasia eaten lately? Nope!

Christian just brought a sleeping Ana a mixture of cranberry juice and seltzer. His serious devotion to her sexual health is simultaneous inspiring and incredibly unrealistic.

6:25 P.M. - LOL, Continued

Sex Count: 10

Lip Bites: 26

C--k twitches: 18

Has Anastasia eaten lately? Beef Wellington, prepared by Mama Grey.

Well, family dinner was CERTAINLY eventful in the mind of Mr. Grey. He spent most of the time obsessing over Anastasia not wearing panties -- to the point where their sex in the pool house or wherever seemed like a forgone conclusion. Now they're back at his pad and about to go at it again, but he's inwardly freaking out about the whole "vanilla sex" thing. Jesus.

"She's my dream catcher," he thinks, as they head to bed. "She keeps my nightmares at bay."

6:45 P.M. - Help

Sex Count: 12

Lip Bites: 26

C--k twitches: 18

Has Anastasia eaten lately? Beef Wellington, prepared by Mama Grey.

They just had sex with those kegel ball things. Christian is thinking that Ana's eyes are "the color of a summer sky and just as warm." There is still so much of this book left to read.

7:08 P.M. - Georgia Time

Sex Count: 13

Lip Bites: 26

C--k twitches: 18

Has Anastasia eaten lately? Supposedly, but she's in Georgia so who knows.

We're getting "Mrs. Robinson" flashbacks while Ana is in Georgia. His control freak is out in full force.

7:21 P.M. - THE. TAMPON. SCENE.

Sex Count: 13 (almost 14!)

Lip Bites: 27

C--k twitches: 18

Has Anastasia eaten lately? Nope. Just a whole lot of cosmos.

Holy crap.

So much of "Grey" has been about giving readers a slightly different take on events they know like the back of hands -- or like how Christian knows Ana's supple soft butt at this point. Most of the Georgia stuff, for example, gives us a different spin on things we thought we knew -- turns out Christian wasn't lying about the hotel meeting being a coincidence, and he did have important business in Georgia... business he created as an excuse to see Ana, but still.

The tampon scene, however, added no extra insight into why Christian pulled out Ana's sanitary product without asking: all we got was "I want to f--k you without a condom." I guess sometimes that's enough...

8:00 P.M. - More boning

Sex Count: 15

Lip Bites: 27

C--k twitches: 18

Has Anastasia eaten lately? Nope.

I had to take a shower and feed my cat -- because unlike Christian Grey, I have a refractory period for "Grey." Of course, they have sex twice within a matter of minutes in Christian's Georgia hotel room, but it doesn't give a whole of insight about what's going on inside his head... besides the fact that he really, really does not enjoy talking about Mrs. Robinson and finds Ana's questions about her to be incredibly obnoxious.

8:12 P.M. - LOVE

Sex Count: 15

Lip Bites: 27

C--k twitches: 19

Has Anastasia eaten lately? She adamantly refused food before gliding, but hours later, it looks like she's finally about to take a bite.

Just checking in to say I just read the most romantic line in the history of literature.

"Much as I'd like to, I'm not going to f--k her in the restroom at IHOP. She deserves better than that."

8:25 P.M. - Shower Power

Sex Count: 17

Lip Bites: 27

C--k twitches: 19

Has Anastasia eaten lately? She ate at the IHOP, but not -- to my knowledge -- since then.

Man oh man. Christian is dealing with the suicide attempt of his ex AND supplying aid to Darfur, but he still managed to have shower sex with Ana -- twice in five pages! -- the moment she returned, first class, from Georgia.

He's such a fool in love!

8:35 P.M. - Red Room of Pain Realness

Sex Count: 18

Lip Bites: 27

C--k twitches: 19

Has Anastasia eaten lately? Yes sir!

Turns out, those first two times in the shower were just a decoy -- the real action was going to happen later that same night. Back in the Red Room of Pain, Christian exposed Ana to sensory deprivation and the flogger... and it was fun and all, but MAN, do guys really think that much during sex? Let me know your thoughts in the comments! (Or don't!)

8:48 P.M. - He Really Is Fifty Shades Of F--ked Up

Sex Count: 18

Lip Bites: 28

C--k twitches: 19

Has Anastasia eaten lately? Kind of.

Damn, Christian.

What's crazy about THE punishment scene from his perspective is how completely clueless he is as to what she's feeling. He's euphoric and elated and assumes she's the same, which is so far from the truth. And I mean, it happens I guess, but even creepier was how turned on he was by her tears and pain once she admitted it to him, and how he kept mentally referring to her as "my beautiful little girl" all paternal-like as she sobbed. I need a moment.

9:17 P.M. - He Really Is Fifty Shades Of F--ked Up, Continued

Sex Count: 18

Lip Bites: 28

C--k twitches: 19

Has Anastasia eaten lately? Not sure. She's gone.

I'm almost through with my time with Christian, and I'm glad -- he's not the easiest character to spend plus or minus 12 hours with. His mourning of the loss of Anastasia is both frightening (he purchased her new company to watch over her?!) and sad (his crack whore mom's boyfriend beat the sh-t out of him?!), and it's hard to believe this action only went down over the course of... what, two weeks? Three? I need a DRINK.

Actually, yeah. I think I'm going to go grab a drink.

9:25 P.M. - He Really Is Fifty Shades Of F--ked Up, Continued

Sex Count: 18

Lip Bites: 28

C--k twitches: 19

Has Anastasia eaten lately? Not sure. She's gone.

Oh God. Now he's driving by her apartment and parking outside. This is definitely the type of behavior that would be batsh-t insane if Christian were a woman, but since he's not, readers will probably think it's hot. Shrug.

9:38 P.M. - Fin.

Sex Count: 18

Lip Bites: 28

C--k twitches: 19

Has Anastasia eaten lately? Who even knows.

Well, there we have it. My day with Christian Grey is finally over -- and it concluded, of course, with multiple flashbacks to Christian sleeping next to "mommy" the crackhead's corpse without realizing she was dead, then being adopted by Marcia Gay Harden's character.

These flashbacks (and a conversation with his psychiatrist) convinced him that he was ready to win Ana back and try a "vanilla" relationship, so his final moves were to purchase her an iPad, recommit to attending Jose's art show, and finalize the ownership of her new publishing company. Something tells me it'll be enough, and I've certainly had enough of this fifty shades of f--ked up man for today. Good night!