In a world where "Body After Baby" usually means some celebrity mama showing off her six-pack abs approximately five minutes after giving birth, Olivia Wilde's self-written Shape profile about her post-baby bod is as refreshing as... well, as a diaper packed full of ice.

The essay, which appears in the April issue of Shape, is heavy on real talk about what it's like to grow an actual human being inside of yourself, including a hilarious description of how Wilde got reacquainted with certain, er, areas, after giving birth to her son with fiance Jason Sudeikis.

"First of all, you haven't seen your vagina in months, even though it's all her fault you're in this situation," Wilde wrote of her first days as a new mom. "Now that you can finally confirm that she is, in fact, still there, she isn't the gal that you remember, and would rather you back off and give her some space (and an ice diaper) for the time being, thank you very much."

She also had some colorful descriptions for her body immediately post-birth (the words "deflated pool toy" are used), but the best thing about Wilde's essay is that it's not just hilarious, but spot-on critical of a culture in which women are expected to have children, but also have bodies that show no evidence of ever having done so.

"I am not in perfect shape. In fact, I'm softer than I've ever been, including that unfortunate semester in high school when I simultaneously discovered Krispy Kreme and pot," the actress wrote. "The photos of me in this magazine have been generously constructed to show my best angles, and I assure you, good lighting has been warmly embraced. The truth is, I'm a mother, and I look like one."