For some strange reason, the U.S. government has not yet declared today, Brad Pitt's birthday, a national holiday -- which means that we can't spend the day doing what we'd really like to do, which is sit on the couch eating popcorn balls and watching "Legends of the Fall" in frame-by-frame slow motion, the better to appreciate the way the sunshine glints off every strand of Brad Pitt's flowing hair with its twinkly butterscotch highlights. Sigh.
But here's the second-best way to celebrate the birth of our favorite leading man: a list of all the moments, one for every one of his glorious 51 years on the planet, in which Brad Pitt was synonymous with perfection.
1. That time before he was big deal movie star, but already honing his personal brand.
2. That time he came so close to being Batman.
3. When he was ready for his closeup.
4. When he gesticulated.
5. When he expectorated.
6. When he mutilated!
7. And let's not forget the way his mouth looked when it formed the word, "Ew."
8. When he showed off his moves.
9. When he watched Oprah with Clooney.
10. When he wanted to know how we felt about... dags?
11. When he knew you couldn't eat your feelings...
12. ...But still tried it, anyway.
13. When he summed himself up in one word.
14. When he answered the door like this.
15. When he taught us the first rule of fight club.
16. When he was the happiest fisherman in the west.
17. When he found out what was in the box.
18. When he smelled someone's hair, and for the first and only time in human history, it wasn't creepy.
19. When he was so stoked about throwing a beer to Matthew McConaughey.
20. When he was very good at just one thing.
21. That time his hair was full of secrets.
22. When he escorted a pair of small Jolie-Pitts safely down the street.
23. When the pair became a gaggle.
24. When he offered us his protection.
25. When he bossed us around.
26. When he melted our hearts...
27. ...And weakened our knees...
28. ...And knocked out our ovaries with one punch.
29. And he was really, really, smug about it, too.
30. That time he made us wish we were a small plastic spoon.
31. When he stared.
32. And stared.
33. AND STARED.
34. Until there was nothing in the world but you, and me, and the space between Brad's upper and lower lip.
35. When he may or may not have gotten a lollipop stuck in his soft palate.
36. When he took a hit.
37. When he wore this coat.
38. When he kept dropping nihilist philosophy bombs.
39. When he opened his mouth, and said... blaaaaaaah.
40. When he demonstrated the importance of the triple-tap.
41. That time he moved that pesky obstacle out of the way, the better to show you the, uh, curve of the earth.
42. And we were like...
43. And he was like...
44. And we were all...
45. When he was never, ever ugly in a movie, except for maybe this one time.
46. Okay, and maybe this one.
47. When he showed up with a critical mass of Jolie-Pitts to fill in for his sick wife at her movie premiere.
48. When he was running for his life from rabid zombies, and his hair was still shampoo-commercial perfect.
49. When he explained to us how it is that he only gets better with age.
50. Until, at last, we came to the perfect conclusion to our romp through Pitt-story...
51. THE END.
Happy Birthday, Brad!