When you think of Jennifer Aniston in a movie called "Cake," are you picturing a quippy spinoff to the whole airbrushed-baby-on-a-penis with chocolate icing and nuts thing, too? If so, congratulations! You're a bona fide "Friends" fanatic, and JenA probably hates your freaking guts. 'Cause it's people like you and me (and pretty much everyone else in the free world) who can't seem to get past her iconic small screen counterpart and let the woman be taken seriously as a seriously serious actor already. Geesh.
Really, she's been telling us to cut it out for years. In between all of her rampant rom-coming with so-called seventh "Friend" Paul Rudd, that is, Jenny's totally been hinting that she's ready to do away with Rachel Green once and for all.
In fact, she's actually been trying to murder the character dead, and we've got proof. Consider these acts of violence against the Rachel image.
1. Jennifer Aniston actually seems to have premeditated the death of her Girl-Next-Door-with-I've-Got-Great-Boots-Boots image long before NBC launched her into the big (prime)time.
Exhibit A: Back when it was "SNL" who wanted a slice of her keen sense of comedic timing, she did a couple of spoof vids that, um, aren't exactly on-brand with the shop-happy girl from Long Island. This one, for example, is a Wilson Philips mock music vid that *fair warning* can't ever be unseen.
2. Her second big move took place during Season 6, when she got in bed with a "Rock Star."
It wasn't just the nip-piercing or the spiked extensions or even the fishnet-and-thong get-up that looked like something even Fortunada Fashions would be too classy for. It was also the level of tolerance she had for certain errors in judgment in this movie that were so un-Rachel (essentially, no one shouted You-Know-What at anyone the whole movie long).
3. She straight up dissed The Rachel.
If you were even remotely aware of your surroundings during the turn of the millennium, you probably saw a girl sporting a voluminous, slightly layered shoulder coif somewhere. You may have even had that 'do yourself, and if so, you were way in style at the time because The Rachel was a sweet cut and everybody wanted it.
But according to Jennifer Aniston herself* that haircut was the ugliest thing ever. Sure, it single-lockedly made her career a thing, but she can't stand it.
*RAWR. Even Lisa Kudrow disagreed.
4. Going make up-free, Part 1.
Some people are making kind of a big deal about Jennifer Aniston's suddenly not-perfect appearance in "Cake," but Aniston's real fans will remember her first go at dialing down the glamour in "The Good Girl." The well-critiqued, low-key drama featured Aniston as a supermarket clerk with an obsessive fling and gave Aniston her first real foot out of the Central Perk door (granted, she hokey pokey-ed it back in a few more times).
5. Stripping down and sexing up.
First, there was the GQ cover circa 2009. It wasn't the first time she'd gone glossy topless, but it was a whole lot more suggestive than her comparatively tame 2005 topless cover issue.
And then, she really got to putting that "Along Came The Switch Break-Up Just Not That Into Your Object of Affection Just Go With the Almighty Picture Perfect" image for the much raunchier Jennifer Aniston 2.0.
In "We're the Millers," she straight up played a stripper who gets talked into a cross-country drug run.
And then in the "Horrible Bosses" series, she went for the sex-crazed DMD with zero respect for the sanctity of the workplace persona.
Thud went the world.
6. Newsflash: She is not going to the reunion.
If all that wasn't enough J.A. has made it pretty clear she's never ever ever getting back together for any real "Friends" reunion.
Sure, she's been a pal enough to do a few skits with her former co-stars here and there, but the next time we'll see all six (nice try, Gunther) as one for "Friends: The Movie" will be when they're all a member of the Early Bird Special crowd.
The takeaway, kids, is to think twice next time before you start belting out your best Refreshments rendition in front of her. 'Cause it's really not funny anymore.
Oh, and go see "Cake."