The Definitive Style Ranking Of 'Hocus Pocus' Characters
Smell that? That odor of candy corn wafting through the air means Halloween is upon us. And if you're anything like me, that probably means you're coordinating your annual Hocus Pocus viewing party right about now. It's just one of those feel-good seasonal movies about women coming back from the dead to eat children's souls that you can't not watch year after year after year, you know?
It's also a timeless classic that boasts some of film's most fashionable fictional characters. In honor and support of that FACT, here's the definitive style ranking of the biggest Hocus Pocus characters, according to me. (If you have re-ranking suggestions, you can try taking them up with me in the comments or on Twitter, but ... *achem*)
21. Emily Binx
She doesn't get much air time (SPOILER ALERT: she dies pretty early), but that's not why she's ranked so low. There's just not a whole lot to this look. And sure, Chanel Paris-Dallas is sort of bringing back Puritan chic, but I'm just not buying it. BYE EMILY!
Buhhhh, OK, for starters Book is made of HUMAN SKIN, so goodbye. But also, Celtic accessories (or are these considered tattoos??? IDK) are soooo early aughts. I guess given that this movie premiered in the early '90s, that makes Book ahead of the trend, but this is 2014 and I'm saying no to you, Book.
19. Fake Cop
Hear me out on this one. I understand that this is an exemplary leather moto jacket, but this dude uses fashion for EVIL by never letting Max & co. know he's not actually a cop. Thus, the low ranking.
18. Dad/Mr. Dennison
Aww, Mr. Dennison. It's sweet that you thought your "Dad-cula" joke would land with Max, but you also were a little too handsy with Allison for my taste and also for the amount of hair product Dracula uses, he would never wear printed cotton pajamas even to bed, so you got this one wrong. Good day.
17. The Devil
This where things start to get interesting. Sure, The Devil is a pretty standard Halloween costume, but this guy (played by Garry Marshall) does this with a pair of satin boxing shorts which is very on-trend. Good job, Devil man.
Even better? His wife who DGAF it's Halloween and has posted up in her recliner with pastel self-closing curlers. YAAAAAS, Penny Marshall, YAAAAAAS.
15. Party Alligator
Oh man. This guy. Wearing a giant fake head like this to a Halloween party is a pretty big commitment. As far as money, as far as comfort, as far as spatial convenience, as far as a lot of things! And on TOP of that, he has a full-sized tail?? Bow.
Sorry to you, 2nd Alligator. You were immediately eclipsed by the first. :-\
14. Miss Olin
Just like Katy Perry, teachers love a theme. And Miss Olin? She is slaying the All Hallows' Eve ~lewk~ with a pointed witch's hat, ceramic necklace pendants and multiple brooches.
13. Bus Driver
Yea yea yea, this is just the bus driver's uniform, but I'm a firm believer that style is made up of more than just what you're wearing. And this bus driver? HOOOOOOOWEEEEEE! This man is smooth. He makes a joke that is surprisingly suggestive for a Disney movie, and for that, he's pretty high up on my list.
12. Thackery Binx
For most of the film, Thackery Binx is a black cat. And while his hair is shiny and appears to be well-groomed, that's not why he's inching toward the Top Ten. It's because with his flowy musselin shirt and tousled blonde hair, he is the proto-ghost crush, lobbing up a career of heart-throbbing for Devon Sawa circa Casper.
On the flip side, Allison is basically proto-Jessica Biel, with her All-American girl-next-door natural beauty game, stone washed jeans and ribbed shirt + wool sweater combo. Unfortunately, it's a little too relatable to broach the Top Ten.
10. Lobster Man
Lobster Man, on the other hand... He gets about one full minute of screen time, but in the style department, he makes it count. Thank the folks in costume design, big guy, because that giant hat, frilly shirt, and single gold hoop earring sealed your fate here.
9. Mary Sanderson
Sure, the Sanderson sisters are the villains of this film, but once that first batch of potion took effect, wow, they really turned it out. Here, Mary is working a bold brow and lip combo—and don't miss that Cindy Crawford beauty mark! Her over-patchworked 'fit set her back a few pegs, but that high-tech whip (the vacuum, duh) more than makes up for it.
8. Band Leader
Before Lady Gaga and Zombie Boy, there was the band leader in Hocus Pocus. The cobweb detail on his hat and tails. The excellent makeup. And also, IS THAT AN ALEXANDER MCQUEEN SKULL PRINT SCARF??????
7. Billy Butcherson
Like two sides of the same coin, here we have Billy Butcherson, who—had the role included any more lines—I'm surprised wasn't played by Johnny Depp. That
bed grave head and showy frilled ascot just scream JD.
6. Winifred Sanderson
Winifred Sanderson, the leader of the three sisters, seems to take style cues (appropriately, IMHO) from the Queen of Hearts: voluminous flame-red hair styled in two bumps, rosy cheeks, faux-pursed Kabuki lips, and billowing bell sleeves. Also, those nails are v. Kylie Jenner, and I'm not mad at it.
5. Mom/Mrs. Dennison
DUHHHHHHHH. DUH DUH DUH. Max and Dani's mom went to the Halloween party as Madonna circa Blond Ambition complete with the Gaultier cone bra and long ponytail!?!?! Their MOM did that?!? Wowowowow. #hero
4. Dani Dennison
Naturally, if you have a mom like that, you're probably going to turn out pretty fashionable yourself. Enter Dani Dennison. Sure, she's a witch, which is, like, whatever in the realm of Halloween costumes. But she's a colorful witch with colorful netting around the base of her hat, a fringed vest, and an orange sun-printed shirt dress, so she's not a ~regular~ witch.
Also, she's eight-years-old and can apply lipstick better than me, so game over.
3. Sarah Sanderson
Of the Sanderson sisters, though, it's pretty clear that Sarah is the style stand-out. For starters, her go-to is a corset (versus mine, which is leggings). She can somehow pull off all the makeup (Cara Delevingne brows, Francis Bean Cobain smoky eye, AND a red lip). She has platinum hair—so hot right now. Also, SHE'S CARRIE BRADSHAW.
2. Max Dennison
Max is the definition of a style star. Even though he just moved to a new school in New England, he keeps his sunny California ways with a ~totally tubular~ tie-dye shirt (layered because October in Massachusetts is cold). THEN, when he's forced to take his little sister trick-or-treated, instead of wearing a costume, he wears the least attention-grabbing outfit he can get his hands on. Wait, that practice of dressing to INTENTIONALLY not stand out sounds familiar to me... Oh, right! It's called "NORMCORE!" *mind explodes into a billion trillion pieces*
Another reason Max should be high up on this list? His style is so good it gets JACKED. Which leads us to...
1. Jay and "Ice"
Look, I'm not condoning bullying or stealing. These two are no good—and don't worry, they get their just desserts in the end—but you absolutely 100% cannot deny that you would be all about these outfits if you saw someone wearing either of them today. Jay has the kind of ombre baby blonde blunt bob that every celeb and model is taking to their stylists right now. And Ice? This outfit is an amalgamation of all the best '90s hip-hop style references from LL Cool J to De La Soul. And even a little Jodeci with that big ol' canvas jacket.
Plus, Jay ties his flannel around his waist the OTHER way around, basically predicting the rise of kilts in popular style of late.
And of course, there's the etched in shape-up. A (leather bucket) hat tip to you, Jay and Ice.