On Monday (September 1) Lifetime bravely went where no other network had gone before -- well, except for The Disney Channel and NBC, that is. Basically, Lifetime decided to go crazy and air "The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story" based on the 2009 book "Behind the Bell" by Dustin Diamond (Screech).
However, they left out 99 percent of the "interesting" (read: actually horrible) details of that book -- the details that chronicle the real-life hookups between Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, Mario Lopez, Lark Voorhies and Elizabeth Berkley.
Instead, they gave us the fluff version of the "Saved" tale, but that doesn't mean there weren't some bananagrams insane moments. In fact, we were treated to a potentially imaginary friend storyline, an Elizabeth Berkley as TV-genius/critic plot line, and the most fantastically bizarre hot tub fantasy sequence in recent TV history.
There were many cray-cray moments to choose from, but below find the 11 that are still blowing our minds this beautiful Bayside morning, courtesy of Lifetime and their GIF-tastic Tumblr page:
1. When they told us that Dustin Diamond could control time.
This was Zack Attack's skill on the show, but IRL -- at least according to the movie -- it was all about Screech when it came to the "time outs."
2. When they told us that Mark-Paul was a self-hating bottle blonde.
He touched up his roots in secret. No one could know his shame. No one.
3. When they told us that Dustin Diamond had a crush on Tori Spelling.
... But she totally dissed him backstage by showing interest in Mark.
4. When they told us that Lisa Turtle was initially going to be white.
They dropped their "Jewish American Princess" idea when Lark Voorhies killed it during auditions.
5. When they told us that Voorhies was a perfect Madonna.
While the other kids gave in to temptation, Lark dumped Mark-Paul due to her religious beliefs, and was just saintly all-around.
6. When they told us that Elizabeth Berkley and Jennie Garth both were up for the role of Kelly.
Also, when we learned that Tiffani-Amber talked like a "sexy baby."
7. When they told us that Elizabeth Berkley had a keen understanding of the power of using social commentary in sitcoms.
According to Lifetime, the "Jessie is addicted to pills" story line happened because Liz B. wanted to make the show as powerful as "MASH" and "All in the Family."
8. When they told us that Screech had a (imaginary?) friend who lured him to a life of crime and marijuana.
No lie, a running plot in the movie consisted of a Rufio from "Hook" look-a-like hanging out on set, convincing Diamond to embrace a life of crime -- eventually, he even framed Screech with a pot video!
9. When they told us that everything ended with a happily ever after.
Really? No scandalous book by Dustin Diamond? No porno? No "Showgirls" fallout? No.. whatever Lark Voorhies is up to today?
10. When they made the whole thing a hatchet job on Mario Lopez.
Lopez was depicted as being a cast-womanizer who couldn't remember his lines, brought fans to the Max set to hook up, and sunbathed and did push-ups in between takes.
11. When they told us that Screech had fantasies about turning into The Hulk and hanging out in hot tubs.
Nothing will ever be as strange as this. Ever.