• Season 1, Ep 1

Sneak Peek: Suspicious Cucumbers

Mike Winfield shares some stories involving cucumbers. New series starts Thursday, October 13th at 10:30/9:30c.

10/07/2016 ยท 2:43

I promise you,once you see this guy,

you'll never forget him.

Give it upfor Mike E. Winfield, y'all.

[cheers and applause]- What? What? What? What?

Thank you, guys, much.Thank you, everyone.

Thank you.

I used to workat the grocery store, man.

It messed me uppsychologically, man.

I don't know if you all do this,man, when you in stores.

Do you glancein people's baskets

and guess what they gon' dowith the stuff?

Good, I'm notthe only weird-ass, right?

I can't help it, man,whether I'm wrong or not.

Like, I just have to do it.

You know, I'm behind this lady in line, as usual.

I glance, and whatever. You know, her entire purchase,

it was, like, seven cucumbers, that was it.


Okay, good, you thinkingwhat I'm thinking.

Like, there's not a saladthat big.

And then she left. She just left.

She's like, "I don't need a bag."

I'm like, yeah!

Where's she gonna put 'em?

Gimme your number!


Cucumbers are ruining men.It's messed up.

Nowadays, man, you can't evenmake a salad with your homeboy.


'Cause if you offer him the wrong vegetable,

he gon' say something dumb every time.

Okay, man, you want tomato?

- Yeah!

- You want onion?- Hell, yeah.

You know how I feel about onion.


You want cucumber?

[dramatic tones]

- You gon' cut it, right?

- Am I gon' cut it?Stupid thing.

How dumb would your saladlook...


with a whole cucumbersitting on top of it?

And it just rolled off.

We all know if your cucumberroll off, you can't pick it up.

What if you and your homie go to pick it up

at the same exact time

and then catch eye?


At that point, it's too late. You can't snap it in half.

It ain't a wishbone.

You know whoever looks away first loses.

You just stop, man. Ain't nothing you can do.

You in a jam.

You're in a pickle.


[cheers and applause]

Yo, I'm Mike E. Winfield.Thank you.

- [indistinct], y'all.Mike E. Winfield, y'all.

[cheers and applause]