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  1. Serial wanker, bedwetter, gibbering idiot, virgin... everyone agrees there's something about Mervin. Unfortunately it's something irritating. Bullied and teased at school, Mervin was -- and is -- an awkward young puppet. His adoptive parents' divorce led him to form an obsessively close relationship with his mother -- he still visits her for tea and listens while she tells him what a disappointment he is. From paper rounds to pizza delivery, Mervin has blundered his way through a string of......  Read Full Bio »

Full Biography

  1. Serial wanker, bedwetter, gibbering idiot, virgin... everyone agrees there's something about Mervin. Unfortunately it's something irritating.

    Bullied and teased at school, Mervin was -- and is -- an awkward young puppet. His adoptive parents' divorce led him to form an obsessively close relationship with his mother -- he still visits her for tea and listens while she tells him what a disappointment he is.

    From paper rounds to pizza delivery, Mervin has blundered his way through a string of dead end jobs, causing chaos and destruction wherever he goes. As a chef he set fire to himself, as a shelf-stacker he got trapped overnight in a supermarket freezer, as a zoo-keeper he lost an arm to a panther, and as a dustman he was dragged into the back of a dustcart and compacted into a block of garbage.

    Mervin also has a large collection of embarrassing Europop. He enjoys listening to music through his headphones, although technically he has no ears, and his attempts at dancing are freakish.

    His wide-eyed dumb optimism means that while he is always smiling (except when faced with the paralysing prospect of meeting real women). Mervin is largely unaware of the annoyance he is causing to others. He even blissfully imagines that 'Eddy' is his friend... and would even consider taking things further than that if pushed.

    When not perusing his frankly world-beating collection of pornographic material, Mervin trawls the internet for love. But all women -- and some unfortunate cats -- find him disgusting and weird.

    FULL NAME:
    Mervin J Minky

    NICKNAME:
    Mervin (or 'Nutsack' according to Ed)

    APPEARANCE:
    Scrawny

    PERSONALITY:
    Hypochondriac

    DISTINGUISHING FEATURES:
    Tubular arms and body
    Whiny voice

    LIKES:
    Pornography
    Fat Ed
    Pussy Monsta

    DISLIKES:
    Running out of porn

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