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— by Larry Carroll
You most likely didn't "Get Carter" in 1971, so when Sylvester Stallone butchered the old film while attempting a "comeback" decades later, you probably didn't lose any sleep. Although a remake of the 1947 film "Kiss of Death" spelled exactly that for star David Caruso, few (except perhaps Caruso's accountant) seemed upset. And when Hollywood remade fondly remembered kid flicks like "That Darn Cat" or "The Parent Trap," well, it wasn't anything worth igniting your torch and storming the castle over.
Then Gus Van Sant came along. Riding high on the success of "Good Will Hunting," the formerly obscure art-house director had Hollywood at his feet. His next project, he announced, would be a remake of "Psycho," the Alfred Hitchcock horror classic. Not since 1960 had the name Norman Bates invoked so many shrieks of terror.
Audiences were repelled, critics lined up to devour it like truck drivers at a Hometown Buffet, and the box office was barely enough to pay the catering bill. In the wake of its failure, however, one of the few remaining unspoken rules in Hollywood had been broken: it wasn't just the old, lame and obscure that had to suffer the humiliation of remakes. Suddenly, the classics were fair game.
If this week's remakes of the "Herbie" family-film series and the classic sitcom "Bewitched" symbolize a lack of creativity in Hollywood, well, to quote Al Jolson in "The Jazz Singer" (remade poorly in 1953 and even worse in 1980), you ain't heard nothing yet. Upcoming remakes include "Bad News Bears" (with Billy Bob Thornton and Greg Kinnear), "The Poseidon Adventure" (with Josh Lucas and a musical performance by Black Eyed Peas!), "The Pink Panther" (whose laughless trailer reportedly contributed to a recent delay in release) and "The Fog" with Tom Welling. Scripts are also floating around Hollywood for everything from "Harvey" (John Travolta?) to "9 to 5" (Jada Pinkett Smith?) to the sci-fi classic "Forbidden Planet" and Hitchcock's "The 39 Steps." All great movies, all deserving of a trip to the video store even if — gasp! — some are in black and white.
"You can remake anything now," veteran actor Randy Quaid recently lamented. "I mean, they remade 'Psycho' a few years ago."
So say hello to "The Manchurian Candidate," starring Denzel Washington. Wipe out that mental image of Sidney Poitier breaking down racial barriers in "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner" and replace his face with Ashton Kutcher's grinning mug. Several generations may believe that "Planet of the Apes" was flawless, but guess what? Mark Wahlberg and Tim Burton think they can do better.
"I'd say stay away from the [American Film Institute's] top 100," Brendan Fraser offered. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
Although one may not expect such sage advice from the star of "Bedazzled" and the "Mummy" (both remakes), Fraser's opinion is echoing more and more throughout Hollywood these days. While easy money can often be made with remakes, many are now voicing the opinion that seeking to supplant the admittedly flawless work of another actor or director seems more than a bit, well, cannibalistic.
"With something like plays, there's never an original version of it," Jason Lee reasoned when asked his opinion on remaking the classics. "[A play is] words. It's written to be open to interpretation by many, many directors and actors ... Film, to me, it's on film, it's been shown, it's like a painting or something ... It's like Hitchcock: that was his thing, it was his story, that was his creation."
Even George Lucas, the godfather of the modern-day blockbuster, is disturbed by the trend. "When they remake films, they run into the danger that they're not going to make them as well as the original was," he remarked. "If that's what you're always up against, you wonder why they do it."
When a classic film is created, it survives intact for infinite rediscovery by future generations. If images of Richard Roundtree's Shaft strutting down the street, Walter Matthau's Buttermaker swigging down a beer, or Laurence Harvey's Raymond Shaw blankly listening to the telephone have endured for decades, isn't that a sign they should be left alone?
Matt Dillon, when asked to name a classic film that deserves to be rediscovered rather than remade, offered up "The Third Man." "I wouldn't want to touch that one. 'Raging Bull' ... 'Gone With the Wind.' "
"Definitely 'Citizen Kane,' 'Grapes of Wrath,' " offered Jane Fonda, shaking her head. "Yeah, I can think of a lot."
For some Hollywood actors, the concept of remaking scripts instead of putting the work into developing new ones is downright infuriating. "They do 'Ocean's Eleven' and 'Twelve' or something, I mean, why'd they even make the first one?" Robert Duvall argued. "[Steven Soderbergh] is a good filmmaker ... Why make that movie? It's like gilding sh-- with a ribbon."
When asked to name an untouchable classic, Jason Lee didn't miss a beat: " 'Willy Wonka,' " he insisted, "but unfortunately they did it. It's a classic, Gene Wilder. It's like, when it's so, so good, [don't] try to make something better ... Johnny Depp is a great actor, but Gene Wilder, in the original? That's a little touchy."
Needless to say, Lee won't be waiting in the ticket line when "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" attempts to reinvent a family classic next month. Someone who might be in attendance, however, is blockbuster filmmaker Michael Bay ("Armageddon"), who has made more than a few Hollywood talents want to "Pearl Harbor" him due to a perceived flippancy toward remake pilfering.
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Photo: Universal and Getty Images
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