Surfing isn't just a sport, it's a philosophy split by two opposing perspectives. On one side of the debate is the Soul Surfer, who's catching waves for sheer existential joy. On the other is the Competitive Surfer, who's crisscrossing the planet to take on the top pros and rake in as much bank as possible. It's up to you to decide which argument is the most legit.
And for you shubees who might not be schooled in the art of brobonics, we've enclosed a handy surfing dictionary that you can access at any time.
Competitive Surfer: Zup? First, let me tell you what surfing is all about. It's what these Surf Girls are going for. It's about joining the ASP and seeing who rules in comps across the world. It's about scoring big points and big money on big waves.
Soul Surfer: No, no, bro. The ASP rulebook doesn't rule me. Surfing is about a session in the green womb of the Big Mama. It's melding the water in your body with a body of water.
Competitive Surfer: Hey, I'm all for a tube radical. On killer waves, I can score killer cash. This year on the 'CT, there's $2,750,000 in prize money up for grabs for the guys, $360,000 for the women. Let me at it.
Soul Surfer: I'm throwin' the tools in the shed, and I'm lucky if I get burrito money. That's all I need, though, bro. I'm happy to couch surf. Totally. At the end of an epic day, my prize is bro time at a brodeo.
Competitive Surfer: Bro, you're a brodad, but I'll drop some brobonics on you. I may be an instabro at contests, but I've made a lot of combros. That's helped me score sponsors who foot the bill for my global travels and pay me bonuses every time my photo shows up in a magazine. Maybe I'll even get my own PlayStation game. The more money I get surfing, the more I get to go surfing.
Soul Surfer: Two words: sell out. You may not be a shubee, but you're a walking, surfing billboard for multimillion-dollar companies. And I bet you love ego surfing. Keep me away from contests and magazines. I'm out there chummin', hanging one or hanging 13 while ripping on the green monsters.
Competitive Surfer: Fine, skin it on the waves all by yourself. But that's selfish, bro. I like promoting the sport, making it grow. The more people getting stoked on surfing, the better.
Soul Surfer: Bro, the last thing we need is a bunch of talentless groms crowding the waves. Don't surf because it's trendy and you played the video game version or saw those Barbies in Blue Crush. Surf because it's a religious experience. I'll drop in on a grom and go to church. I've ripped in the Pope's living room. I've prayed in the whirling cathedral.
Competitive Surfer: Please! I'm out on Hawaii's North Shore pushing myself against the world's best. Sometimes I get worked - I've been in the washing machine, survived a double hold-down. But I do it for the love of the sport, while you're in some backwater outpost doing a sauna and probably even docking a sub.
Soul Surfer: Don't harsh on me, bro. My love for the sport is bigger than yours. It doesn't go back just a few decades to when people like you made surfing a pro sport, it goes back centuries to when the Polynesians started surfing in 400 A.D. So go for your fame, your fortune, and just go away. Leave Big Mama to me. Lonic.
Competitive Surfer: What are you, surfing in Nebraska? Fine, s'later.
Need help with the lingo? Check out the surfing dictionary.