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Jordan's Commentary

I guess I could go into detail about the experience. I could discuss my relationship with Amanda, what happened with Justin, the sisters, how I was treated, how I treated others, and what it's like to lose a loved one while having your life filmed. Part of me wants to do this. However, the whole reality of the reality show is that no matter what I say there is a bias. Chances are, viewers who kept up with the show and the message board will question any details I choose to disclose here. I have no desire to get defensive or make excuses. Let me just say that during the filming I chose to be myself and a large portion of who I am is private and buried deep inside me. Some issues, such as my break up with Justin, and problems with Amanda, were never explained in full because that is between them and myself. I feel as though specifying exactly what went on in those situations would be in violation of their trust. Justin and I did not work out, but I still respect him. Amanda and I had a close friendship but we also had differences long before the filming that contributed to conflicts we encountered in the Pledge House. I could also discuss what it was like to live this adventure of strange surroundings, cameras, MTV staff, friends, and new acquaintances - an experience both surreal and painful - But I think you have a pretty accurate picture of that already.

I am a strong and determined young woman that some choose to love or hate. Yes, with me there is little room for an in-between. Just like you see on T.V., I am not afraid to tell it like it is and express my opinion. Just don't ask me to fully explain every emotion that flashes across my face. That, I completely suck at! First thing that comes to mind is when I told Ann and Jessie to f--- off and then I walked away. I was hurting. She knew it. I wanted her to back off, but I didn't want to let her in on my personal pain. That's when my private side kicked in. The portion of me I reserve for family and close friends is not something I make known to people I barely know, or who are not acting as though they would care anyway. At the time, when I first told Ann and Jessie to f--- off, I did feel as though maybe I was a bit harsh. However, as time has passed and I watch it again, I do feel as though the way I chose to deal with the situation was all my emotions would allow me to do.

I am not afraid to be me, even on national television. This attitude has guided many into the "anti-Jordan club," but on the other hand, from what I gather there are those who have learned something as well. I take the good with the bad. Going into this adventure I was aware that the word "editing" is a bit of a cyclical mess in itself; all the more reason to be myself in the midst of it all. So, there are pieces of me that are not shown. Big deal. I knew that going into it. However, I had no idea how much I would learn.

I learned that not everybody I come across in my life is going to care about me, like me, or trust me. I learned that (without meaning to be) I can be difficult to talk to, even to the point of appearing unapproachable at times. I have difficulty opening up to people, which I now realize contributes to that perception. But thankfully, I was able to form meaningful relationships with some of the girls I lived with and I was able to open up to Mara. After moving into the Pledge House the two of us just related to one other. Our personalities compliment each other.

So maybe here's a good place to just go ahead and say, looking back, it's not like Mara and I sat down and said, "Hey, lets you and I be friends and let Amanda and Candace do their own thing." The so-called segregation between them (Amanda and Candace) and Mara and I, just naturally happened over time. It probably would have happened without the misunderstandings and tension. In my experience, this whole dynamic naturally occurs in life. People in groups (especially women) tend to pair up; its just not every day that it happens in front of cameras is all.

I can honestly say that I was as true to myself as I could be the entire time. I did as I chose, never looking back. That's pretty much how I try to live my life anyway, with or without cameras. I took some chances, but what else could I do anyway? I'm just some college girl who really, in the scheme of things, does not know a whole lot about the real world yet. I mean, it was only about three years ago that I was in high school.

There are quite a few more specific issues I would like to comment on, but because the last episode has not yet aired I can only say so much. In regard to the experience as a whole, I would love to expand on that as well. But, once again with the ending not yet disclosed it would be pretty difficult. So, for now, that's it.

To be continued...

Come back after the Season Finale to read the rest of Jordan's commentary.

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