Fraternity Life: Episode 8
Ah, Canada, where the beer actually tastes good, there a lot of illegal aliens, the common US dollar is worth 198.76 Canadian and the hockey is good. Go Toronto. Go Leafs Go.
OK, so late start to the biggest city in Canada, but no big deal, right? We’re only pledging. Ha! We were just excited to get the hell out of Buffalo. We thought we were going by ourselves, that’s why we look so excited to see the brothers, coming in big limo buses. Earl, Jarreau and I were in for a little surprise though, yeah how about riding in the s---ter for two hours? Something was fishy about this...what would happen when the brothers had to piss? We were thinking about breaking down the wall and hopping in the trunk. Well, we finally pulled into Toronto and to the lovely hotel who thought we were a chess team in for world chess championships...they were pleasantly surprised.
Our room was a sweet suite. It didn’t stay that way for long, but it was the biggest hotel room I’d ever been in. Complete with our very own maid and washroom attendant. Pretty cool s—t, huh? There was this lady who made us cookies and milk before bed and this other lady who tucked us into bed. How nice. Well, now for the reason we were there: the scavenger hunt. We were on a mission to find and take a picture of: the rocket chair, the Toronto waterfront, three hot chicks, our letters 1122ft. in the air (not meters), Gretzky’s stick and puck that broke Gordy Howe’s record, and the golden sword. Yep, all in a day. We thought this would be like pulling teeth, but it sure did make us work together.
The rocket chair? Who the f--k goes on s--t like this? Not to mention where the f--k is it? We were a little frustrated we were in a city we had no idea how to get around and we didn’t know where anything was. Earl claims, “one person f---in’ direct everybody else.” That wouldn’t be working as a group now, would it? Dictator Earl tried taking over the régime, but was quickly over thrown when Paul flipped his s--t. Lindo, we are not idiots, we’re just really slow. After a quick argument to release our built-up tension, we finally get our s—t together. Like always, Earl and I are back to being buddies, even though minutes before we were going for each other’s jugulars. We were pretty heated; I wish we brought our helmets and gloves because we would have gone at it right on the street. Did anybody catch the little vein in my forehead bulging? Finally Dad flipped his shit and yelled at us, I was so ashamed. We are down to five hours left in the day.
I’ll be completely honest with you guys, I didn’t want to boss them around but I know Toronto pretty well, and so does Jareau. I used to go to a lot of training camps for hockey there. Earl, sorry buddy I know you’re trying your best to take over here and help out, but you are walking around with a map and your head down. All you need is some sandals with socks and a fanny pack and you’d fit in perfectly as a tourist. Take the map and make a f---in’ origami hat and follow us. Once again, I know I’m not the smartest f---er but I do have at least the mentality of a turtle and I know which way the water is. Considering that Toronto is built on the shore and a small hill I figured we should go downhill and not uphill, Earl. We have to get down there...this is a wake-up call for all of us.
“Keeping the mission on the forefront” we ventured up the CN tower, Steve stayed below because he didn’t have the .15 cents American that it cost to go up. Well there was a glass floor at the top you could stand on and look down, it was really cool. I tried to jump on it to see if it would break but it wouldn’t. Well let’s go to the bar, I knew the stick might be there, after all it was a bit closer than the Hockey Hall of Fame, which I really wanted to go to. Well we hit up Gretzky’s Restaurant first and those guys gave up after talking to an idiot manager who was probably a figure skater. F--k that s--t, I knew it had to be there.
Jarreau was pretty adamant about the taxi bit, even though it would have cost only a few American cents, we didn’t get to see the beautiful view of the city and hot foreign chicas. I would have much rather looked at the scenery than the half balding back of a 300lb cab driver. We were already down by the water anyways. I think those were the best shots we took. I tried to pay a bum $10 American to jump in the water, but he was too dumb to convert in to Canadian and realize he could have bought a small house with it. Oh well. It was beautiful down there, it’s a shame Buffalo doesn’t take advantage of the water like they do. The next couple goals came to us like morning wood...the girls were not too hard to find. The rocket chair was back to haunt us, but soon enough we found out it was in the northern most part of Canada near Iceland so we hopped a taxi (which Jareau got a hard-on because of) and went to the rocket chair. Still the Golden Sword was nowhere along the way. I thought the entire time it was one of those little cocktail swords. We’ll see about cocktails later.
With under an hour to go and five of our goals completed, we were on the quest for the golden sword. It sounds like a video game or something, I felt like that weird looking video game dude who was looking for Zelda. We had no idea where the sward was, I was looking in flower pots and s--t, asking random people. I bet we looked like real winners; somebody pointed us towards the city psychiatric hospital. We even started digging in the garden of a Parliamentary Building. The security guard soon informed us that we might want to leave before the funny looking dudes on horses came. Those Canadians are funny mother f---ers. The police dress like they just rolled out of bed with King Charles in 1592. I hate history.
With a minute to go, we returned to the room without the sword, or that’s what we thought. The brothers decided to mess with us a tiddly bit more so they sent us out into the city for one hour more. Personally, I think they just wanted to get their drink on. Finally we realized maybe there wasn’t a sword, so we made one instead. The brothers laughed their asses off as did surrounding people who thought we were invading religious freaks trying to spread the love or make a landing pad for Jesus coming in on a helicopter or something. I thought we did a pretty good job, certainly an A for effort and that’s all we needed. Earl finally realized it was symbolically in our hearts and minds...must have been that rat poison I fed him. We felt like a million bucks after we got everything done. Alex had a great quote that really stuck in my head, “We are the epsilon class of Sigma Chi Omega, 2002. This sword represents our pledge, it represent the heart that we give, the promise we give to the fraternity and each other.” He hit the nail on the head. Bingo. After that touching moment, we partied it up...legally! In glorious Canada, legal drinking age is 19.
Next: Nicole getting a little pushy when Timbo wants a little space?