Chiree, of Georgia, remembers her ex-boyfriend, Raymond*. At the time, she was excited to date an older guy. "He was my first serious relationship," she says. "When I was 14, my best friend gave him my number and he called, and from there, it took off."

Alyssa, of California, was also involved with an older guy, Mike*, while she was in high school. "I was 14 and he was 17. We went to high school together and had common friends," she remembers.

At the time, both young women had no idea they were beginning "love" relationships that would quickly turn dangerous and violent.

"He was chill before he noticed that other guys were interested in me," recalls Chiree. Once Raymond felt threatened by other guys, he became abusive toward Chiree. He grew jealous and started controlling her.

"He would get mad if I talked to boys, and he would tell me he didn't want me wearing certain clothes, because he thought they were too revealing," she says.

Control was an early theme in Alyssa and Mike's relationship, too. "The controlling began very early on," Alyssa says. "He would wait for me after classes; cut classes to be with me in study hall and lunch; watch me in class through the small window in the door; drive me home every day after school. He'd want to spend every minute with me," she recalls.


Abusive Guys
Although they didn't realize it at the time, Chiree's and Alyssa's boyfriends were showing signs of being abusive and potentially violent partners-and both young women were in dangerous relationships. They were like thousands of other young people across the United States who survive abuse at the hands of their partners. Women are most likely to be the victims of relationship abuse. In fact, more than 90 percent of all domestic violence victims are female and most abusers are male, according to the U.S. Department of Justice.

How often do young women experience dating violence? The prevalence of it is actually quite shocking: one third of all high-school and college students (both males and female) will have been in an abusive relationship by the time they graduate. Twenty-six percent of high-school girls have been victims of physical abuse, sexual abuse, or date-forced sex, and 40 percent of teenage girls ages 14 to 17 know someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend, according to Break the Cycle, a Los Angeles-based nonprofit organization whose mission is to end domestic violence by working with youth.

Rita Smith, executive director of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence in Denver, CO, believes the rates are so high because of little education. "We don't spend a lot of time teaching our kids about healthy relationships," she says, adding that people often look for satisfaction and self-worth-rather than a good companion-in their relationships.


Threats to Force
Dating violence can include the following components: verbal or emotional abuse, physical violence, sexual assault, or a combination of them all. Coercion or use of threat of force is also a component. The threat of the use of force can be implied through body language and behavior, but not actual contact.

How do you know if a partner is potentially violent? There are many warning signs: early ones include jealousy, possessiveness, and intense scrutiny, according to Smith.

"If several of these signs appear together, it is something to be cautious about," says Smith, who adds that a young woman should also be aware of how her male partner speaks of other women or women in general. She should ask herself: "Does he feel women are equal to men? Is he generally negative towards women? Does he feel compelled to act the traditional role of a male?"

Other warning signs of an abusive partner, according to Love Is Not Abuse, include:

- Emotional manipulation: uses jealousy, passion, stress, and frustration to justify actions;
- Sexual abuse: forces partner to do things against his or her will;
- Physical abuse: hits, chokes, kicks, pinches, pulls hair, pokes, twists arms, trips, bites, restrains, uses weapons;
- Intimidation: acts charming in public, but menacing in private; destroys property or pets; makes light of abuse ("You're too sensitive"); or
- Control: uses name-calling and mind games; isolates partner from friends and loved ones.

"Emotional abuse-which includes threats, yelling, throwing objects or hitting the wall, but no physical contact-happens most frequently," explains Smith. "You could be scared and terrorized of someone who has never touched you."


Breaking Away
Raymond was emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive to Chiree. "Physically he was abusive, but not to the point to leave scars. He would push me around when he got mad. He yelled a lot, I guess to intimidate me. Sexual abuse was normal," she says.

Chiree struggled through this relationship for almost five months and never told anyone. "My mother and father already didn't like him, and I didn't want them in my ear about it. I found out the hard way by staying until the last minute," she says.

Alyssa was also emotionally, physically, and sexually abused by her partner. She didn't tell anyone about the abuse for nine months. "I finally told a new friend I made while working on the school play that year. We were talking backstage, and I was desperate for someone to talk to. I had been raped by my partner the week before," she says.

Finally, with her friend's help, she got the courage to leave her boyfriend. "It was a personal day-to-day struggle not to go back to my boyfriend. Institutional help came much later, long after the relationship was over, so back then, it was mostly support from my friend. He was constantly being available to do phone peer-to-peer counseling, which we did all the time. I don't think that either of us knew about counseling or legal services available," says Alyssa.

High-school and college students tend to turn to their peers for help, according to Smith, who believes that young people need better support networks, so both victims of dating violence and their friends have access to resources. "They will have a better sense of how to respond and situations will be less dangerous," explains Smith.

Alyssa agrees. "I had no idea dating violence was something people went through in high school. ... In college, I got counseling. I wish it would've been available much earlier. I'm sure it was available, but I wasn't aware of it at all, which I think was unfortunate. Education would've been helpful much earlier," she says.

Young survivors like Alyssa also believe that high-school sex education programs should include lessons about dating violence and the warning signs, particularly for young girls, who are often swept up by the idea of dating older guys. Oftentimes, these older guys can become controlling and ultimately abusive, leaving the younger girls without adequate tools to understand what's happening.

Looking back, Chiree wishes she'd gotten out of her relationship sooner. "No one should ever be in that situation, male or female, because it's wrong," she says. A family move helped her finally break away from Raymond.

Today, Alyssa conducts outreach education to young people about dating violence. She urges them to get help and tells them about online resources, like the Teen Relationships Website, which has an anonymous chat room for teens who may be victims of dating violence.

Alyssa wants other young women to realize one thing: they are not alone.

"Others have lived through abuse, and there is help out there."

If you think you're in an abusive relationship, it's important to reach out to someone for help, right away. Talk to a trusted adult in your family, at school, or in your community. Or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

* Names have been changed.

-Claire Marchetta, 17, of Princeton, NJ, is an editor for SEX, ETC., the national newsletter and Web site written by teens, for teens, on sexual health issues, published by the Network for Family Life Education at Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey.

 Visit SEX, ETC. at www.sexetc.org