 |
When Love Turns Abusive
By Martyna Majok, 18, SEX, ETC.
When she was just 13 years old, Shaina Weisbrot started dating 15-year-old Mark*. At first, the attention he showered on her felt like love.
"In the beginning, his obsessiveness made it seem like he just cared about me a lot," remembers Weisbrot, 16, of East Brunswick, NJ.
Mark paid attention to "little things." He told Shaina what he thought of her clothes and her friends. But his attention to the details of her life quickly turned to control.
"He told me what to wear, and who I was and wasn't allowed to talk to or be friends with. I was strictly prohibited from speaking at all to any other boys," says Weisbrot. "I couldn't do my hair the way I liked, wear the clothes I wanted, or talk to anyone. If I did, he'd start screaming and call me names."
Mark's verbal abuse of his girlfriend then grew physical.
"He'd push me into walls and throw things at me, getting stronger and more violent if I tried fighting back," she says.
Shaina felt isolated. She "never felt so lonely in my entire life," but was afraid to leave Mark. Like other victims of dating violence, she was also in shock.
"You never walk into a relationship expecting it to be abusive," she adds.
Weisbrot never thought she'd be a victim of dating violence. But like other young people, her expectations of a loving relationship remained unfulfilled, and she was left to grapple with the reality of an abusive one. She wasn't alone. One third of all high school and college students will have been in an abusive relationship by the time they graduate, according to Break the Cycle, a Los Angeles-based nonprofit organization that works to end domestic violence among youths.
Dating violence is a pattern of behavior that is physically, sexually, verbally, and/or emotionally abusive. At its core, the pattern is about power and control, which one person uses against another. Both females and males can be victims, but it happens mostly to females. There are many warning signs of an abusive relationship, according to Juanita Acosta, bilingual staff attorney at Break the Cycle. An abusive partner will:
- Show extreme jealousy or insecurity
- Control you
- Constantly put you down
- Make false accusations
- Isolate you from your friends and family
- Be possessive, acting like s/he owns you
- Tell you what to do
- Have an explosive temper
- Prevent you from doing things you want to do
Dating violence can also wear many disguises, though, and be harder to spot than black eyes and bruises.
"A more subtle sign of a potentially dangerous partner is someone who uses hurtful comments, such as, 'You're so lucky you have me, because no one else would want you,' " explains Abigail Sims, coordinator of the In Touch with Teens Program at the Los Angeles Commission on Assaults Against Women.
Undoubtedly, breaking out of an abusive relationship is the most difficult part and takes a great deal of the victim's inner strength and bravery. For victims, the realization that they'll have to fight to regain their lives can be overwhelming. But reclaiming their lives and breaking free of the abuse is not impossible.
For Shaina, it started with a desire for her former life.
"I wanted myself back more then I ever wanted him in my life," says Weisbrot. She also started seeing her boyfriend for who he really was.
"While he and I were on 'a break,' one of my friends confessed to me that he'd been cheating on me, and it opened my eyes. We started to unravel his lies together, and I realized he wasn't the person he made himself out to be. He wasn't the person I'd dreamed up in my head."
Talking to someone is the first step to freedom, says Break the Cycle's Acosta.
"One of the most dangerous times for victims of dating violence can be when they try to end the relationship," she says. "And it's important to tell someone you trust what's going on, so he or she can provide support and protection."
Sims adds that young people can get seriously injured or even killed by a partner when they leave an abusive relationship. So, they need to get out of these relationships safely. She advises young people to first call a dating violence hotline and speak with a trained counselor to make a specific exit plan. And she stresses that a victim should not break up with an abusive partner alone.
"He may get violent after you tell him it's over. It's safer to break up over the phone or in front of a person who can protect you, like a teacher or parent," says Sims. "Once you tell your partner it's over, you're not required to communicate with him again. If he calls or contacts you in any way, it's considered stalking."
In addition to enlisting the support of friends and family, Sims advises victims to contact the police or battered women's shelters for additional help.
"Just remember, you're not alone," she says. "There are people who care and want to help."
Weisbrot started to break away slowly, progressively claiming independence with each passing day. Her newfound strength and independence intimidated Mark, and leaving him was a struggle.
"It took a failed restraining order, further violence against me, and months of depression and anguish until I pulled up the strength to end it with him," she says.
The post-breakup period may prove difficult for survivors. Shaina experiences many aftereffects of the abusive relationship.
"To this day, I still have a hard time coming into my house alone at night, and I have bad reactions when people are fighting, usually crying when someone is yelling," she says. "I struggle with guys when they get angry, and I become very defensive. I have trust and control issues, and a minor argument can feel like the whole world is collapsing."
Given time, patience, and support, though, survivors can regain peace of mind and control of their lives.
"The entire experience made me appreciate that, in my current relationship, I can be me again. I can talk with whom I want, be friends with whom I want, wear what I want, go where I want-when I want-and not have to answer to a violent boyfriend, in a loveless relationship," says Weisbrot.
In the end, becoming Shaina again was worth it.
"It was difficult to do," she says, "but once you realize that you don't have to hurt, you do everything you can to save yourself."
*Name has been changed.
If you're in an abusive relationship and need help, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). For more information on dating violence, check out Break the Cycle and the Los Angeles Commission on Assaults Against Women.
Martyna Majok, 18, of Kearny, NJ, is an editor for SEX, ETC., the national newsletter and Web site written by teens, for teens, on sexual health issues, published by the Network for Family Life Education at Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey.
 Visit SEX, ETC. at www.sexetc.org
|
|
