It's that time of year again: time to spend crazy amounts of money on that special gift, make the reservation for that expensive restaurant. Valentine's Day is here in full effect.

Whether you've got a sweetheart or not, though, Valentine's Day is a great time to learn the secret to a healthy relationship: communication. Joe Fay, M.A., executive director of the Pennsylvania Coalition to Prevent Teen Pregnancy and a health and sexuality educator for more than 25 years, offers tips on how to talk to a partner about sex on Valentine's or any other day of the year.

Path to Understanding

Communication is one of the most important qualities of a good relationship, according to Fay. Being a good partner is "mostly about communication and intimacy," he says.

Good communication can prevent arguments and confusion about what each partner wants from the relationship. And it can also help prevent transmission of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and unplanned pregnancy, because if you don't talk about one another's sexual past or how you plan to protect yourselves, you might end up having unprotected sex and dealing with one of these issues.

Right away, communication can help partners understand whether they both want to be sexual in the first place. Before having sex, both partners need to understand their limits for any particular sexual encounter, says Fay. And then, they need to communicate these limits to each other.

"That may not sound very romantic," he says, "but it's the only way to eliminate false assumptions and expectations. It also keeps one partner from taking advantage of the other and helps prevent things from going farther than one partner is comfortable with."

Sixteen-year-old DeShaun*, of South Orange, NJ, wanted to have sex with his girlfriend, but neither he nor she knew how to talk about their sexual expectations first. DeShaun just charged ahead with his desire to have sex, without saying anything. "The whole thing blew up in my face," he says. "I just didn't want to talk about it, and it eventually ended my relationship with her."

If your partner wants to have sex and you don't, don't fear telling him or her. Just keep it simple and straightforward, advises Fay, and remember that you don't have to provide tons of reasons for wanting to wait.

"Not wanting to do something is reason enough," says Fay. "Don't be overly concerned with hurting your partner's feelings. If your partner cares about you, he or she will not pressure you. Remember that pressure is a dead giveaway that the person is thinking more of himself or herself, not you."

Saying You're Ready

Now, what if you want to have sex and give your partner the green light, but don't know how to tell him or her? For many young people, talking about wanting sex is easier said than done, and many say that rather than talk about it first, they and their partners just go ahead and do it. A week into her relationship, 22-year-old Michie, of New York City, had sex with her boyfriend.

"We didn't really have a talk. We got caught up in the moment of passion, so there wasn't really enough time to talk," she says.

Yet, according to Fay, two people in a healthy relationship should really be able to "talk openly about sex just as they talk about other subjects. That may not be easy in our society… [and] many young people end up having intercourse before they even talk to their partner about it. They've never been taught the skills for communicating about sex in a relationship. It becomes easier to do it than to talk about it."

He offers some helpful advice to those who want to get started on talking to their partners. "Take the initiative and bring it up-the sooner the better," says Fay. "Your partner will be glad and relieved that you did. Chances are it will improve your relationship and bring you closer. If nothing else, it will help you understand each other better."

The STD Question

One of the most important reasons to talk about sex is to avoid the potential sexual-health risks: STDs, including HIV/AIDS, and unplanned pregnancy. But asking your partner if he or she has ever been tested for or has an STD isn't the easiest thing.

Here are some pointers: Let your partner know upfront that you're concerned about the risks of sexual activity and want to do everything possible to prevent STDs and/or pregnancy. So, tell him or her that any sexual activity you engage in needs to be as safe as possible. But Fay recommends not taking the information you learn from a partner at face value.

"If your partner tells you about past test results that 'proved' they were uninfected, don't pay much attention," he says. "Even if that person is telling you the truth, past results are no guarantee that the person is uninfected. Don't ever rely on anyone else to protect you. You've got to go into every sexual encounter with the assumption that your partner could be infected and it is up to you to protect yourself."

Fay adds that before you even ask your partner about STD testing, you have to make sure that you're being tested regularly, especially if you haven't used protection on a regular basis during oral, vaginal, or anal sex. For more on STD testing, click here.

Let's Talk Condoms

Even though Michie and her boyfriend got carried away in the moment, she did slow down for a minute to insist he use protection. "I remember asking him to use a condom, because I didn't know if he was safe [to sleep with] or not," she says.

While Michie and her guy could've talked about more-including STD testing, since some STDs can still be spread on parts of the genitals not covered by a condom-even bringing up the word "condom" is a good first step and better than using no protection. "Contraception is always necessary, and deciding which method is best requires communication between partners, before sexual intercourse occurs," says Fay.

So, what if you want your partner to use a condom, but don't know how to ask? Fay says don't hold back-just start talking about condom use, and know that it's a really positive conversation to have, because it's about taking care of yourself and your partner. And remember that your partner will probably be glad that you brought up protection. (If he or she isn't, then you've got really important information that he or she isn't the best partner.)

He also recommends going with your partner to a health or family-planning clinic like Planned Parenthood before having sex. These clinics can tell you about all your options for contraception and protection, and they can also test you for STDs.

And don't forget-if you're in a heterosexual relationship, your conversation about contraception should include talk about emergency contraception, too, which a female takes within three days (or 72 hours) of unprotected intercourse (or a contraceptive failure like a condom breaking) to prevent pregnancy. (For more on EC, click here.

Speak, Please!

Unfortunately, some people aren't comfortable talking about sexual health issues. Seventeen-year-old Markell*, of Union, NJ, says his girlfriend has no interest in talking about them.

"Every time I try to talk to my partner, she starts to change the subject by laughing and saying something stupid that doesn't even relate," he says.

If a partner clams up, that's a pretty strong signal. And Fay's first question would be, "Why is this person reluctant to talk about sex?" In other words, does it have to do with how he or she was raised to think about sex? Or does it mean they can only talk about it when they really trust you?

"It helps if you know the reasons for their reticence. They could feel that your desire to talk about sex is a form of pressure. … If they're not willing to talk about sex, then they're not ready to have it," says Fay.

Alex, 17, of McGuire AFB, NJ, agrees. She says that if her partner doesn't want to talk about sex, she "wouldn't push the topic too much and make them uncomfortable, but I would tell them that it's important to me that we find out where each other stands."

If you want you partner to open up, Fay advises asking open-ended questions to encourage him or her to share feelings. You can ask:

• How do you feel about talking about sex?
  
• What makes you feel good about it?
  
• What makes you uncomfortable?
  
• What do you like best about what we do together?