They said it couldn't be done, but Congress has finally passed a bill to reform the tax code. This development encourages me to believe that one day we might bring logic to other overly complicated, confusing things, like Quinn's makeup drawer and the MTV programming grid.

Certainly, questions remain in the wake of the new tax structure. Such as, how does it help the poor to give enormous tax breaks to the super-rich? And if life's only two inevitabilities are death and taxes, how is it possible to eliminate the death tax? But, in the true American spirit, my main question is, What's my cut? How will the bill affect a typical American family like the Morgendorffers (typical in the sense of extremely dysfunctional in our own unique way)?

Well, Mom and Dad are already arguing over what to do with the $600 refund check that's coming this summer (a minor spat compared to annual arguments about who is really the "Head of Household.") I guess you could call them a "Married Couple Fuming Separately." Quinn is busy reminding every guy at school who will listen that you can give $10,000 annually without incurring a tax liability. And I've been hard at work developing an innovative school voucher program whereby I swear I was in class, and I get Jane to vouch for me.

But let's not stop there! There's still more re-jiggering to be done. Here are some additional tax code changes I'm pushing for, specifically designed to reduce the tax burden at Chez Morgendorffer:

1. From now on, a two-faced sibling counts as two dependents instead of one.

2. Redefine personal use of business property to include dreaming up wild schemes in the shower that you forget by the time your hair dries. Then dad can claim his fancy dandruff shampoo as a home office expense.

3. Establish an "Unearned Income Tax Credit" that recognizes the importance of those who accept an allowance while avoiding chores. We're essential to the proper cash flow of the family unit.

4. Now that the "death tax" is on its way to being repealed, make up the revenue by instituting a "Fascination with Death Tax" so all those folks who are champing to see televised executions have to pay for their fun.

5. Reward increase withholding: End-of-year rebates if you manage to keep those long, boring stories about failed relationships to yourself. Especially in public bathrooms.

6. Set up a "Social Insecurity System" to compensate those of us who choose to retire early from all social functions.

7. Expand the Depreciation Schedule to include Ridicule and General Mockery.

8. Allow unlimited rollovers for all IRAs, Keoghs, and oversleeping high school students.

9. Give agricultural tax breaks to anyone who owns an ant farm.

10. Reduce the top income tax rate from 39.6 to 36.689304923802398493840239484. It'll give all those fancy government computers something to do.