Does television encourage violence? If you doubt the fact for a second, just take a look at the bloody aftermath of the average remote control power play at the Morgendorffers.'

Does it also promote rampant promiscuity, excessive drug use, and the breakdown of the American family? Perhaps. Madonna, Jerry Lewis and Tom Cruise respectively have all been known to watch TV. On the other hand, I think it's simplistic to blame the unraveling of our social fabric on two-dimensional images flickering across a screen. Although I do agree that Tinky Winky is up to something.

In any case, I've been following recent debates on the media's effect on children and teenagers, and I have reluctantly come to the conclusion that I am a role model and can no longer shirk my responsibility. It seems young people look up to me. At least the short ones.

Some say that I am a positive role model; I guess that's because I read books, my worst addiction is to "Sick, Sad World," and by opting out of virtually all physical activity I avoid taking part in any dangerous "imitatable behavior." (No, "imitatable" is not in the dictionary, although Standards and Practices insists it's a word.) If anyone attempts to emulate me, the worst that can happen is that they faint from heat exhaustion as the result of wearing a blazer and combat boots in August.

Nor do I indulge in illegal substances (I don't even order pizza with mushrooms) and, in deference to viewers' delicate sensibilities, my sex life has been very limited. (Truth be told, it's more in deference to our animation budget, which only has enough money in it for getting to first base. Meanwhile that lucky Lisa Simpson gets to do it all she wants.) But even taking all this goody-good crap into account, I still prefer to think of myself as a negative role model, in that I am negative about most things, which is just being realistic, which now that I think about it is a positive trait after all. Wait. Now I'm confused.

Anyway I, Role Model Daria, have come to realize that I may have crossed the line with my original plans for our Season Five (premiering on February 19 at 10 P.M. eastern, in case you haven't heard). So in response to the concerns of parents, critics and the nagging little voice in my head (no, not that one, the other little voice), I've decided to voluntarily tone down some upcoming shows and beef up the positivity. To wit:

1. The "surprise" pregnancy plot has been shunted. (Inside Scoop: The "surprise" pregnancy was Upchuck's.)

2. We will tape my father's mouth shut at times of peak frustration. In related news, the episode in which Tiffany develops Tourette's Syndrome will be bleeped.

3. Flossing will be required before all slumber party scenes.

4. My mother will not be defending a cannibal after all.

5. We will make even more references to existentialist philosophers and self-destructive painters, thereby qualifying as educational programming.

6. From now on Mr. DeMartino's eye will just be bruised, not bloodshot.

7. Cross-dressing will be limited to the Fashion Club swapping scrunchies.

8. We will continue to live in a strange land where not a single teenager smokes, drinks, or gets chlamydia.

9. I will not become a card-carrying Satanist. That would require filling out an application.

10. We'll keep an eye on Jane.

So look forward to another happy-go-lucky season of "Daria," full of innocent hijinx and merry mayhem, leading up the finale where I ride off into the sunset on a sparkly-maned unicorn. Now that's controversy!

On a role (get it?),

Daria