In recent years the American public, disillusioned with politics as usual, has become receptive to new ways of choosing our leaders - such as inaugurating the guy who lost the election. And it's that same can-do spirit of innovation that has voters cheering on the possibility of campaign finance reform. Thanks to the McCain-Feingold bill, the days of soft money appear to be numbered. Be on the lookout for "firm but gentle money," "money lite," and the latest in political patronage products, "I Can't Believe it's Not Bribery!"

What is soft money? Political contributions that, like the contents of my locker, are not subject to disclosure. Torrents of cash from unions, corporations, and advocacy groups are channeled not to candidates directly but to phony baloney organizations involved in "party-building activities," which generally consist of producing ads calling the opposition candidate a big jerk.

I know what you're thinking. "Hey, Daria Morgendorffer, you like calling people big jerks. Why don't you run for office?" Ironically, I stay out of politics because of that very same issue: campaign money. I find the idea of trying to raise millions of dollars from the teeming sea of drooling idiots (that is, America's voters) distasteful, to say the least. On the other hand, the notion of imposing my worldview upon others through legislation, though not as appealing as outright dictatorial control, does have its charm. So just in case our incumbent politicians bang their heads on a low doorway and vote against their own self-interest, I've decided to get in "under the wire" by quickly establishing some new political organizations. The following Very Special Interest Groups will be open for business as soon as I file for tax-exempt status, rent a crappy storefront, and hang up some bunting.

1. National Contrarian Party: A "devil's advocate" group that seeks to stimulate dialogue by disagreeing about everything and never giving in, not even on the smallest and most inconsequential points. Provides entertaining loudmouths for Sunday morning roundtable shows.

2. Hands Across Your Throat: This group works in the area of anti-social policy. Strategy includes door-to-door canvassing when nobody's home, and a meet-and-greet cocktail party every twenty years.

3. Non-Industrious Workers of America: A labor coalition that lobbies for important changes in the workplace, including lunch breaks that are longer than the rest of the work day and snack machines that cough up the corn chips after a single kick.

4. National Disorganization for Lack of Change: Comprised entirely of former Microsoft customer service agents, this groups sponsors unmanned phone banks, voter registration drives for the underage, and incoherent rambling on subway trains. A project of the Futility Foundation.

5. The Council on Boring Relations: Publishes papers on a host of "family values" topics including parental policy analysis, strategic sibling rivalry, and procedures for institutionalizing grandparents who take too long to make their next Scrabble move. Offers seminars on the best way to avoid that uncle who's been telling the same joke since 1956.

6. The Balking Institute: This group encourages productive disbelief among the general public. Sponsors an annual essay contest on the topic of "How to Build a Better World If Such a Thing Were Possible, Which It's Not," and publishes the monthly newsletter, "Really?"

7. The Liberal Allowance Party: A bipartisan effort (Quinn is in on this one) to convince the Morgendorffer Treasury that economic health is directly tied to teenage disposable income. Soon to begin weekly "Get Out the Wallet" drives.

8. Partnership for a Dumb-Free America: Fights anti-intellectualism in all aspects of American life. Encourages critical thinking, informed judgement, and careful analysis of the facts. Very low membership.

9. Lawndale Inertia League: A coalition of citizens from all walks of life dedicated to the long-term observation of objects at rest. Wow. They do tend to stay at rest.

10. Victory 2001: This group promotes parties celebrating the victory of any candidate whatsoever. Keeps people out of my hair on election night.