With new developments in communications technology like digital television, satellite dishes, streaming video, and cable/Internet convergence, today's viewers are faced with an ever-expanding choice of "content," all of it equally brain-numbing. (I like to think that "Daria" is an exception to commercial, lowest-common-denominator fare, but then I recall those subliminal advertisements for strawberry-scented makeup remover pads that we keep inserting between arch literary references. Oops, probably shouldn't have mentioned that.)

"Narrowcasting" is the key: Networks aim programs at specific, highly targeted audiences, then offer eyeball access to overeager advertisers. After all, what chance do you have of selling ice to Eskimos, unless you've convinced them that your particular brand of ice will make them feel really sexy?

Kind of like splitting the atom (except for the intelligence required), slicing a television audience into ultra-thin demographic slivers results in an explosive unleashing of energy. Duck! Here comes a canapé cooking show for Wheaten Terrier owners! Ouch! That neo-conservative hockey lover's roundtable hit me right between the eyes!

Television used to bring people together, as families coast-to-coast gathered around to watch Uncle Miltie's comedic cross-dressing, or to gaze awestruck at bouncy astronauts playing golf on the moon. Now we sit in front of our individual screens, watching programs meant for people who think just like we do, shutting out the rest of the world, rarely deigning to talk to members of our own family. If this is the future, then I'm all for it.

In fact, I've come up with a plan for splitting "Daria" into multiple channels of specialized programming, so that our little show might dominate popular culture for decades to come. Yes, it's an ambitious project, but since it's at the conceptual stage, there's virtually no work required on my part.

So watch for the following precisely focused networks that just might become available in your neighborhood, depending on your local cable provider and my ability to convince MTV to invest millions of dollars in this scheme when they won't even shell out the money for desk fans so our colorists can stop passing out from the fumes emitted by Brittany Yellow #8:

1. COMB BOX OFFICE: The Fashion Club's Superficial Superstation concentrates on the competitive world of professional grooming. Home of the popular game show Ready, Set, Take Three Hours to Dress for a Date.

2. ARTS AND INFOTAINMENT: Jane combines two of her favorite things: art and tabloid TV. Top- rated shows include the tell-all painters' biography series Tinctures and Scandals and the racy travelogue Vegas Nudes Descending a Staircase.

3. C-PLUS SPAN: Quinn hosts a slate of semi-educational programming that's not too taxing on the mind. Nature documentaries about cute animals dominate the schedule.

4. THE HOME FLOPPING NETWORK: Trent's favorite. The only network with a snooze alarm feature. Someday he hopes to win a lot of money on their game show Napping for Dollars. That would be a cool idea. Yeah.

5. NOTIME: Mom is behind this premium channel for the harried, which specializes in mini-mini-mini series and made-for-TV moments. Keep up-to-date with the 6:00:32 news. Closed captioning in shorthand available.

6. BARZ: Ms. Li's pet project has an international flavor, offering a constant feed of security camera footage from around the world. Note: Station often scrambled for no apparent reason.

7. EEP!: Brittany offers succinct commentary in reaction to serious, hard-hitting news coverage of wars, disasters, famines, and other icky things.

8. GAL-AVISION: Upchuck's idea of broad-casting offers up hour after hour of Komely Kollege Koeds who refuse to take off their shirts, despite pleading and whining from behind the camera. Now that's sin-dicated programming!

9. THE "IT'S OLD HISTORY" CHANNEL: My father draws upon a vast library of classic footage depicting his painful childhood experiences in grainy black and white. If you didn't catch it the first time, don't worry. There are constant repeats.

10. HELL-IS-OTHER-PEOPLE-AMUNDO: This one's for me, Daria, and the rest of the Sartre-loving niche audience (or is that Nietzche audience?): It's a station entirely devoted to philosophy. Never mind "Reality TV" -- it's time for "What is Reality?" TV.