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BUBBLE, BUBBLE, OIL AND TROUBLE
These days rocketing oil prices have Americans concerned and chagrined. With the high cost of heating oil increasingly forcing families to burn their youngest child for warmth (hey, money is money), Washington is talking about all things crude, and for once they don't mean interns in thong underwear. Will we be forever at the mercy of oil-rich OPEC countries like Saudi Arabia, which has initiated its own energy-saving innovation by forbidding women to drive cars? Will we be forced to return to the ugliness of the gas lines of the 1970s, as we've been forced to return to the ugliness of the fashions of the 1970s?
Naturally, people look for easy answers: cold fusion and perpetual motion machines to the rescue! These are fun ways to defy well-established laws of physics and delude yourself at the same time - just ask my Dad, who is currently tinkering in the basement with a broken microwave and some plastic straws. Personally I think we'd be better off hooking Mom up to a treadmill, but first she'd have to come home from work.
Anyway, in an effort to help lessen our nation's dependence on foreign oil, I pledge to follow these energy-saving tips:
1. During peak hours of electricity use, I will turn off the lights and sit in the dark brooding.
2. Effective immediately, I shall increase my insulation from all other human beings.
3. I plan to encourage others to trade in their gas-guzzling behemoth cars for oversized tricycles adorned with pinwheels. Multimedia campaign to follow.
4. I will increase room temperature at mealtimes by relentlessly pushing family's hot buttons.
5. Four words: Driving without headlights -- fun!
6. I will lessen seasonal heating oil demands by turning the calendar back and insisting it's summer, skipping school to support this illusion.
7. I plan to lobby for a new Lawndale Light Rail system running between my house, Jane's house, and the pizza place.
8. I intend to reduce drafts by learning to walk through walls.
9. I promise to gently refuse the gift of a private jet, should the situation come up.
10. Above all, I will save energy by sleeping as many hours per day as humanely possible.
And next month, maybe I'll lessen my dependence on these silly numbered lists.
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