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BEAUTY IS IN THE THIRD EYE OF THE BEHOLDER
By Daria Morgendorffer, Femme Fatalistic
Unlike the majority of teenage girls, I am content with my looks. I long ago accepted the fact that I'll never get to carry a sign around a boxing ring announcing the number of the next round, and tragic though it may be, I'll have to find another dream.
But this self-acceptance is hard won. It's difficult to remain confident in a culture that bombards you with visions of unattainable physical perfection. Super-skinny binge-purge models are causing women to wake in the night drenched in sweat, having dreamt that their hips tried to kill them. Size Zero is insulting enough. How long 'til some smug designer announces, Spinal Taplike, "These dresses go to Negative One?"
I intend to age gracefully, my worth ever growing, like fine wine or petrified dinosaur waste (um, maybe not that last one). Clinging desperately to youth is pathetic. People should accept their age, take pride in it, flaunt it. (Please note that I reserve the right to change my mind about this three seconds after I turn thirty.)
Not that I have a problem with cosmetic surgery - convincing someone to pay you to cut them up, how could I be against that? I object only to the fact that plastic surgeons support a subtly coercive agenda of conformity. Where is the creativity, the passion, the sense of fun? Why are surgeons still cranking out teeny noses and colossal boobs when they could be helping us realize our full potential as individuals? I propose the following unnecessary, yet thoroughly amusing, new surgical procedures:
1. ELBOWPLASTY: Bone grafts are used to reshape mid-arm protruberances, resulting in a sharper, more focused point. Useful in crowds and gym class.
2. BUTT CRACK REDUCTION: I'm afraid this procedure would be mandatory for those found to be exposing others to unwanted glimpses of their posterior cleavage. Sorry, no exceptions.
3. FOREHEAD RIDGE IMPLANTS: Gives all those geeks who actually bother to learn Klingon something to live for. You know who you are.
4. PERMANENT POCKETS: I never have enough of them, I hate carrying a purse, and vests are so last year. With a clever use of skin grafts, say goodbye to kangaroo envy and Gap clearance sales.
5. REVOLVING EYEBROWS: Separated from the facial plane, eyebrows are equipped with tiny nano-motors which allow rotations of up to 360 degrees for optimum expressive capabilities. Look, ma, windmills!
6. PREHENSILE TAILS FOR TEENS: Advanced prosthetic technology combined with a surgically implanted spinal mount would enable us to hang upside down from tree branches and nap. Also great for swatting flies and annoying siblings.
7. BLOWHOLE-OSTOMY: Just because you weren't lucky enough to be born a cetacean doesn't mean you shouldn't have the ability to spout water out the top of your head. Fun at the public pool!
Well, doctors, how about it? Bring your scalpel and your imagination and let's party!
Yours in malpractice suits,
Daria
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