Release the doves! Sound the bells! Alert the paparazzi! On the season finale of "The Hills," it's Heidi and Spencer's wedding — the most important day of their lives. But show producers could not care less about that because, LAUREN CONRAD IS LEAVING THE SHOW! AAAH!!!
The supersized finale started off with Lauren and Lo packing up their house. Now that Lauren's contract is up, she has to move out of the crib MTV was (probably) paying for. The two roomies decide to throw one final shindig for their closest co-stars and friends. It's a perfect opportunity to tie up any random plot points (like Brody apologizing to Stephanie because ... uh ... he was mean to her ... in previous seasons ... or something) and provided a chance for all of the supporting characters to harass LC about attending Heidi's nuptials. When nudged by Frankie, Lauren responded with, "I'll be at the next one." Whoa, bitter much? I get that Spencer made some stupid rumor about a sex tape, like, eight years ago, but come on, LC!
Not to mention that Spencer's a changed man! He convinced Darlene to give him her blessing, he talks openly about his feelings, and when Charlie asked if he could invite Stacie the Bartender, Spencer agreed, provided he keep her at least 40 feet away from his bride and forces her to wear a veil with black polka dots on it. The old Spencer would have said, "Yeah, bring Stacie and I'll get lucky in the groom's quarters before I get hitched."
Brody wasn't buying Spencer's new "nice guy" shtick. While out to lunch, he told Spencer he thinks he's just putting on an act, and guffawed when the groom-to-be said he's in therapy. "You have lost your mind," Brody snickered. "I have a beautiful relationship with a beautiful girl. We have a great time — we don't need to go to therapy!" (This coming from a guy who just cheated on his girlfriend and joked that he'd make a fart sound as Heidi walked down the aisle at her wedding.) Yep, for a dude in his mid-20s you seem right on track, Brodster. No therapy needed there.
Meanwhile, Heidi was busy prepping her "high-end farm" swan-princess wedding. Too bad her maid of honor was the most incompetent, unstable and worthless maid of honor in the history of maid of honors. And, no, it wasn't Stephanie (who was bummed she got snubbed). Her sister Holly had the big title and managed to mess it up at every turn. She didn't write down the gifts Heidi got at her wedding shower, making it impossible for Heidi to write thank-you notes later. (If only someone was documenting the event ... like a camera crew!) At the rehearsal dinner, she delivered a wacked-out speech about Heidi collecting twigs and berries, then pulled a Hasselhoff by getting drunk and throwing food. And then there was the whole "I'm sorry a potato I threw landed on your expensive purse, Heidi, and now I'm gonna run away and be the center of attention while I scream about how Spencer is a jerk" meltdown. Note to Holly: Rent "Rachel Getting Married." You're Anne Hathaway minus the rehab.
Once Heidi's big day arrived, all anyone could talk about was whether LC would show up. (Oddly enough, the same thing happened at my wedding.) Spencer and his boys in their "white Jay-Z" tuxes spent their alone time praying. (Not making that up.) And Heidi and her girls argued about whether the $900,000,000 worth of jewelry she had dangling out of every orifice was "too much." If only there was a fashionista in the house ... cue Lauren's entrance! Cue the gasps! Cue the tears!
The reunion between Heidi and Lauren was sweet, if not a little awkward. Here's a sample exchange.
Lauren: "You're getting married!"
Heidi: "It's crazy! And you're here!"
Lauren: "I'm supposed to be."
Awww! How sweet! "I'm supposed to be!" Actually, LC was supposed to be there. The day's production tip sheet had her call time listed as "Heidi's church, five minutes before the ceremony, wear a blue dress, try to pretend to give a sh--." Oh, and LC's verdict on the jewelry? "It's perfect."
The guests at the wedding were a hodgepodge of MTV regulars. "The Hills" gang were all there (including an especially homeless-looking Justin Bobby) as was Perez Hilton, Nana and Cowboy Bill Montag. (I guess my invitation got lost in the mail.) And, of course, there was Lauren Conrad. Unfortunately, her big "I'm gonna be the biggest shock of the Speidi wedding" plan was thwarted by an old arch-nemesis who returned for an MTV pay stub.
Yep, the "Laguna Beach" firecracker made a divine entrance (complete with a music cue!) moments before the vows were read. Turns out she introduced Spencer and Heidi back in the day, so it makes perfect sense that she'd be sashaying down the aisle, giving Lo the opportunity to make adorable shocked faces. Even better? She wore the same color dress as LC. Genius.
And in my favorite moment of "The Hills" ever, Lauren Conrad came to the realization that she had been replaced. By Kristin Cavallari. On her own show. A girl who's been treated like America's Sweetheart by MTV executives for the past 4-plus years got hit in the face with a big fat humble pie on television. Welcome to Hollywood, kid. You thought the show would fade into obscurity without you? Try again, because MTV tracked down the girl who stole the spotlight from you on "Laguna Beach" and brought her back to goose ratings.
Queen Kristin's "Hills" reign started brilliantly. In just the couple of minutes she appeared onscreen, she managed to flirt with Justin Bobby, rub in Audrina's face that she flirted with Justin Bobby, make googly eyes at Brody, make stink faces at LC and catch Heidi's bouquet.
Ouch, LC. Turns out "The Hills" won't collapse after you step into your company car one last time. With Kristin stirring up the drama, it'll only get more popular.
What did you think of Lauren's big goodbye? Did you think it was a good idea that Spencer dropped the "If anyone objects to this marriage speak now or forever hold your peace" portion of the ceremony? Are you as stoked as I am that Kristin is back? And with LC gone and Stephanie fired, does that mean Kelly Cutrone's "Hills" appearances are over?!
Leave your comments below.