Watch your back, Spencer Pratt: There's a new sh-- stirrer in town, and it's no surprise that you share DNA. On "The Hills" Monday night (April 13), Stephanie Pratt emerged as the Queen of Drama.

It all started when Stephanie and her train-captain hat took the Polar Express over to Chez Spencer to give him some words of advice while lady love Heidi was out of town. "You should just be on your best behavior right now," Steph offered. Granted, this advice was warranted, considering in last week's season-five premiere, Spencer hung out (and possibly hooked up) with a trampy bartender and got in a fistfight with Stephanie's ex-boyfriend, Cameron. But Stephanie took it one step further, going out of her way to let Spencer know that Heidi met up with her bible-study ex while in Colorado. Stephanie's been taking notes in Reality TV 101: How to Make Sure You're the Center of Attention Even if the Story Line Has Nothing to Do With You (taught by Aminat from this cycle of "America's Next Top Model").

Meanwhile, at People's Revolution, another Reality TV 101 superstar — Kelly Cutrone — is freaking out that Whitney Port isn't on payroll anymore. Her staff is down a reality-show castmember, and Kelly needs more free publicity, dang it! So she approached Lauren and asked the Golden Child if she had any other friends who would be interested in "working" at the company, but in the same breath warned, "Be careful about who you refer, especially if they're your friends." Hey, lady, do you want Lauren's friends or not? So schizo! Later at lunch, LC casually mentioned to Stephanie that People's Rev was looking for new interns to exploit, and Steph pounced. "How does one apply to People's Revolution?" Forget Reality 101. She's already passed 201: How to Guarantee Screen Time by Inviting Yourself to Any and Everything (this class is taught by Alex and Simon from "The Real Housewives of New York").

Back at Spencer and Heidi's place, Heidi barely put her luggage down before Spencer picked a fight. Spencer was mad that Heidi (or, as he called her, "Miss Hypocrite") randomly bumped into an old flame while out to dinner with her parents, while Heidi was still mad that Spencer hung out with a trashy bartender. Heidi's best line: "Taking shots with a bartender is a little different than going out to dinner with your family." (Clearly, Heidi's never been out to dinner with the Lohan clan.) Spencer's best line: "You left for three days, and I was like, 'Wow, this is three days without fighting. How refreshing.' " It's a tough call, but I think Spencer won this battle, even though he ended the fight with a boldfaced lie by telling Heidi he didn't see the bartender while she was away. (Did he not think Heidi would see the footage?)

At People's Revolution, Stephanie showed up for her big interview. She offended Kelly by listing "designing handbags" as her objective on her résumé (which was inexplicably folded into an envelope?!); she lied about being fluent in French; and she stared blankly when Kelly asked if she knew how to print out labels. Bravo! Reality TV 301: Do a Task So Hilariously Awful That People Can't Stop Talking About You (taught by recent "American Idol" reject Scott MacIntyre).

Stephanie's ploy worked, because Kelly wants as many TV cameras in her office as possible. But Kelly revealed her "real" motivation for hiring Stephanie to LC later. "The interview was such a folly that she could be genius." And in just 11 words, Kelly Cutrone summed up the exact reason why George W. Bush got re-elected in 2004. She added to Lauren: "But if she f---s up, you're the one who has to fire her. ... You might want to kiss her on the cheek, but I'd put a gun to her back to make sure she stands up straight." Kinky!

Stephanie's "It's All About Me" world tour continued while she was out to dinner with Heidi. In about 25 seconds, Steph convinced Heidi that Spencer was out with his "bad influence" buddy Charlie (whose influence seems limited to ugly facial hair and jive talking) and that she and Heidi should track them down in a club to make sure Spencer's not canoodling with skanks.

You know where this is going ...

Obviously, Spencer was with the bartender, who is as obsessed with the Def Leppard song "Pour Some Sugar on Me" as Spencer is obsessed with Patrón tequila. Heidi flipped out on Spencer (and Charlie), Stephanie flipped out on the bartender ("Do you own pants in your closet?" Snap!), the bartender flipped out on Stephanie ("You look like a dog, you're wearing fur!" PETA snap!), Spencer flipped out on Stephanie, and ultimately, Heidi told Spencer she didn't want to see him again.

But Stephanie's manipulation was far from over. The next morning, she suggested Heidi give Spencer a dramatic ultimatum (go to therapy or lose Heidi forever) but disguised her bold maneuvering by surrounding it in clichés. "Love doesn't make sense and nobody ever said it was easy." I wouldn't be surprised if Stephanie releases a self-help book by the end of the season called "The Love Doctor." (Which brings up an interesting legal question: If she were to release such a book, could we file a class-action malpractice lawsuit against her?)

Easily manipulated Heidi acted like the puppet she is and followed through with Stephanie's plan. Spencer lashed out at the prospect of visiting a therapist (or, as he called it, "some random stranger who went to an extra year of school") and then used the worst excuse ever for hanging out with the bartender. "If I was nearly as bad as all my other friends, I would be bonking this bartender much more frequently than I am! Give me some credit, woman!" (I'm paraphrasing there.) I hate to compare any "Hills" castmember to an animal, but that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Heidi delivered a kiss-off worthy of a Razzie. "I don't wanna look at you, I don't wanna talk to you, I don't wanna be near you."

Could it be that Heidi and Spencer are officially over? (Ignore all the tabloid reports that they're getting married this month, OK?) And is it possible that Stephanie has emerged as the valedictorian of her reality-TV class, achieving Richard Hatch levels of manipulation? And how does Kelly Cutrone sleep at night?

I want to know what you think of the latest "Hills." Leave a comment below.