BEVERLY HILLS, California — It's not every day that you walk into a room and find someone explaining the presidential-primary process to one of the most famous women in the world. It's not every day that your job has you discussing Marilyn Monroe, farting and whether Osama bin Laden is hot or not.
Then again, it's not every day that you interview Paris Hilton.
The heiress' new film, "The Hottie and the Nottie," opens in theaters Friday, and she's been touring extensively to promote it. Perhaps that's why, on the eve of Super Tuesday, her co-star Christine Lakin was explaining the word "primary" to her before the two gave an interview to MTV News. Or maybe "The Simple Life" wasn't an act, and she just really doesn't care about who becomes the next leader of the free world. Either way, here's the amazing word-for-word transcript of a hot conversation between Paris, her co-star, and yours truly.
Christine Lakin: This [week] is just the primary, though.
Paris Hilton: What does that mean?
Lakin: It's like, it means it's like the first round. It's like, you know, you have draft picks or whatever.
Lakin: It's like, you have to vote for who you want to be in the ... finals.
Hilton: Oh. How many people?
Lakin: One from each party, you know, can go. So like, from Democrats ... it's like, you know what I mean? Those two.
Hilton: Oh, OK, so either one?
Lakin: Obviously, I'm voting Democrat.
[At this point, the interview formally begins.]
MTV: Hi, guys. So Paris, you play a hottie named Cristabel in this movie. But tell us about a real-life instance when you felt like a nottie.
Hilton: Every girl does sometimes. In my last film ["House of Wax"], my face falls off, and I look like Freddy Krueger. It's all prosthetics, obviously. It was supposed to look like nothing but under-your-skin. I really felt just hideous that day.
MTV: Your character, Cristabel, offers many words of wisdom in the movie, but we want to know if Paris Hilton agrees with them. Here's the first movie quote: "95 percent of the way people see you is the way you see yourself."
Hilton: Yeah, I believe that. It's just in your confidence and what you feel inside. It comes through your eyes and comes through your soul, and people can see it.
MTV: Here's the next Cristabel quote: "I've always wanted to be a bride. It's every girl's dream."
Hilton: Oh, yeah. I don't want to be one right now, but I'd love to be a bride one day.
MTV: "When you really like someone, you're willing to overlook their flaws."
Hilton: That one's true. If you are in love with someone, and you discover their flaws, you can just get over it if you really love them.
MTV: What kind of flaws have you overlooked with your men in years past?
Hilton: [She laughs.] I don't know. Annoying things guys do, like the bragging, the lying.
MTV: Next movie quote: "It's not like I have trouble getting dates."
Hilton: That's true. [She laughs.]
MTV: Here's my personal favorite from Cristabel: "That wasn't a smelly one; I can tell by the way they sound."
Hilton: [She laughs.] No, I don't agree with that! I would never talk like that.
MTV: So, Paris, even when you're at home by yourself, you don't occasionally let one rip?
Hilton: No! Girls don't do that. Ew.
Lakin: Girls don't do that, and especially this one. [Our co-star] Joel [Moore] and I said that the only way Paris would ever fart would be if it smelled like her perfume. It would be amazing and wonderful-smelling.
MTV: That would be nice. OK, last quote: "A life without orgasms is like a world without flowers."
Hilton: I would never talk like that. But maybe that's true. [She laughs.]
MTV: Paris, I know Marilyn Monroe is one of your idols. On Sunset Boulevard, there's a huge billboard with you spoofing the famous Marilyn wind-up-the-dress shot from "The Seven Year Itch." Does that mean a lot to you?
Hilton: I love Marilyn Monroe. I think she was an incredible woman, and just a special blonde. When we were doing the photo shoot, [I told them] I've always loved that shot. We thought it would be really funny [to re-enact it], because in the film sometimes [Lakin's character] will try to mimic me, and we thought it would be a really cute pose [to have the nottie trying to be sexy next to me].
Lakin: My character can never really pull it off, so it turned out cute. She looks totally hot, and I look like my dress is just coming up and I'm really uncomfortable with the whole thing.
Hilton: She was a beautiful, controversial figure that people couldn't stop talking about.
MTV: Paris, do you think you're the modern-day equivalent of Marilyn?
Hilton: I don't know. I love her, but I'm not gonna say that.
Lakin: I think she is. Paris is very iconic, obviously. Everybody knows her name, everybody knows her face, everyone knows her brand. Like Marilyn in "The Seven Year Itch" ... she had such a child-like quality, and was so funny and charming in her own way. I see a lot of that in Paris.
MTV: Out of all the famous people in the world, who's the biggest hottie?
Lakin: The hottiest of the hotties? I'm really into George Clooney, I have to say. I'm really into the salt-and-pepper hair.
Hilton: He's hot. But I love Johnny Depp! He is gorgeous. I think he's an incredible actor, and he has a beautiful face. And I love his movies.
MTV: And who's the biggest nottie?
Hilton: Definitely Osama bin Laden, he's sick.
Lakin: He's a nottie, as in evil and as in not attractive. I'm gonna hit him on both ends.
MTV: Somewhere, Osama is in a cave screaming: "Damn, Paris doesn't think I'm hot!"
Hilton: [She laughs.] Uh-oh, maybe we shouldn't have let that on TV. I'm kind of scared now. [Affecting an Osama accent]: "They called me a nottie!"
Check out everything we've got on "The Hottie and the Nottie."
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