Well, it's finally here. The episodes where "Idol Gives Back." And after months of hearing Seacrest stammer on and on about it, this week has a lot to live up to. "The most important show in 'Idol' history." "An 'Idol' that will change your outlook on life." "The biggest 'Idol' event of the year!" (Hey Seacrest, Chris Harrison called. He wants his schtick back.)
For any latecomers or non-"Idol" watchers (um, why are you reading this?), "American Idol" is quite pleased with itself because they've cajoled giant corporations to give loads of cash to some vague African-but-also-American charity. They're calling this two-night extravaganza "Idol Gives Back." (And let's face it. After "From Justin to Kelly" and Clay Aiken, "Idol" owes us BIG time.)
Don't get me wrong. I'm a big fan of helping out the less-fortunate. But there's something about the self-congratulatory tone of this circus that rubs me the wrong way. There are people who donate to charity because they believe in a cause. And then there are people who donate to charity so they can publicly say, "I donated X dollars to Katrina Kittens. Aren't I a good person?!" Don't you get the impression that AT&T is involved with "Idol Gives Back" so that they can get an extra name-drop on air? "Well, Coke and Ford have the monopoly on product placement. This way we can get a piece of the action."
OK, OK. Cynical Jim is going to bed. I should give "Idol" — and the always-trustworthy corporate America — a fighting chance, right? They're trying to do a good thing. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt until something really questionable pops up.
The show opens with Ryan Seacrest in the control room. (Nice of you to shave for the occasion. Nothing says "good Samaritan" like dirtbag stubble!) He actually says, "The calls you make will not only save your favorite contestants. [dramatic turn toward camera] They will also save lives." OK, Cynical Jim's back.
Seacrest explains how the "money for votes" sponsorship will work. (Finally.) Rupert Murdoch, er, NewsCorp will give 10 cents for each vote cast. Great! Oh, wait. They're only donating for the first 50 million votes? Hmm ... I don't wanna split hairs here but, why didn't NewsCorp just donate $5 million at once and get it over with?
Tonight the top six will belt "songs that inspire." In other words, the contestants will sing dreck you'd normally hear at a school graduation. (Hey, Vitamin C! You might actually get a royalty check this week!)
Guest mentor duties have fallen on Bono's lap. (I suppose Angelina and Brad don't sing.) But don't get your hopes up, U2 fans — Bono isn't technically mentoring the kids tonight. That would make too much sense. He'll just be popping up during Wednesday's two-hour pad-a-thon. (Psst. Bono. You're aware that guest mentors usually coach the contestants before the performance show, right?) Bottom line? We'll have to wait 24 hours before we get to laugh at the height difference between Jordin "8-Foot Tall" Sparks and Bono "No Surname So I Can't Give Him a Funny Middle Name to Describe How Short He Is."
I'd love to get to the performances already, but "Idol Gives Back" first wants to exploit African children — I mean, show us a piece about Seacrest and Cowell's trip to Africa.
Cue the Coldplay music.
Ryan really knows how to talk to kids. Sample exchange:
Seacrest: "Where are your parents?"
Child: "They died."
Seacrest: "They DIED!!!!"
Apparently Ryan took Tyra's "How to Make Someone Weep On Camera" class at the Learning Annex. Sheesh!
But what gets my goat even more? "Idol" producers neglect to tell us exactly where in Africa Seacrest and Cowell visited! News flash: Africa is a continent with over 40 countries. (You'd think that the British producers would know a thing or two about borders in Africa, considering England's history there ...) Showing cliché slo-mo shots of shirtless children (don't forget the fly on the face!) and merely saying "Africa" is offensively simplistic and furthers an "us" and "them" mentality. Hey, "Idol," are you trying to make a difference or make good television?
Where's Sally Struthers and that other Christian guy who I see on TV at three in the morning when I need them?
Let's get to the performances before I go on a 3,000-word rant on the absurdity of the "Idol Gives Back" logo. (Was a red Christmas ribbon really necessary?)
CHRIS RICHARDSON
Song: Eric Clapton's "Change the World" (featuring Babyface)
Verdict: Not So Phenomenal
Leave it to J-Fed (again, he looks like a Timberlake/Federline crossbreed) to pick the theme song to a movie that's been accused of being Scientology propaganda. Oops. Besides, every time I hear this tune, all I can think about is how relieved I am that John Lennon isn't alive. You just know he would have ended up recording lite-FM junk like this.
Anyway, J-Fed's wearing the wardrobe equivalent of a mullet. On the top, he's all business with a formal suit jacket and tie. But on the bottom, his cargo pants are ready to party hard. I expect Mr. "Nasally Is a Form of Singing" to run amuck with the song, particularly during Clapton's "Chayeeyange the world" chorus. And I'm right. But even with tonight's sometimes-ridiculous melisma, it's an improvement over last week's disaster. (Someone explain to me how he avoided the bottom three!) I'm just glad the Nasal Wonder didn't sing "Hero." Or "I Believe I Can Fly." Or "Man in the Mirror."
The judges are a little more enthused than I am. Simon, who's dressed like my dad at a Bahamavention — nothing says "good Samaritan" like dirtbag chest hair! — proclaims, "The competition starts properly tonight." Dude's so happy Sanjaya's gone, isn't he?
MELINDA DOOLITTLE
Song: Faith Hill's "There Will Come a Day"
Verdict: Nobody's Perfect, But Melinda's Close!
An Ivanka Trump audience shot and a montage of the judges on their Poor America Tour later, Melinda Doolittle is ready to inspire us. She starts off with so much focus, one of her eyes goes wonky à la Paris Hilton. And, for the first time in the competition, Melinda hits a few bad notes ... à la Paris Hilton!
So Mindy starts off a little shaky. So what? After a couple of measures, Melinda makes Faith Hill cross this song off her setlist permanently. Thanks to tonight's powerhouse performance, nobody will ever tolerate the tepid original. Credit is also due to Rickey Minor's arrangement. Those horns were killer.
The judges are, appropriately, floored. My fave rave comes from Paula, who matter-of-factly calls Mindy "magical." Props to Melinda's two "Gayles" who help dress and style her. From the hair to the dress, Doolittle was doolovely tonight.
BLAKE LEWIS
Song: John Lennon's "Imagine"
Verdict: Plastic Ono Man
It took me a few months, but I finally cracked the code! Blake's speaking voice sounded eerily familiar to me all season, and tonight's Coke Real Moment ("Idol" may be doing a show for charity but they still gotta pay the bills!) helped me solve the mystery. Close your eyes and compare. When he's talking, Blake sounds like a higher-pitched Anthony Kiedis.
Anyway, my worry that tonight's "songs to inspire" theme would lead to endless Christian rock anthems (we hardly knew ye, Sligh) is flushed away by Blake choosing John Lennon's anthem. "Imagine there's no heaven" is still a powerful lyric 30-plus years after it was written.
Perhaps caught up in the reverence of covering such an iconic song, Blake plays it a little too safe for my liking. What he intended to be a respectful tribute to a legend unfortunately comes across lifeless and limp. In fact, he's so timid that he sings the refrain, "Imagine all the beebol," as if a hard "P" sound would make the whole song collapse like a soufflé. On the season-two finale, Ruben Studdard proved that you can imagine an "Imagine" that's imaginative. Blake just fell flatter than his hair.
An increasingly cuckoo Paula says it was the "first real sensitive performance" we've seen from Blake. (Um, where was she when he sang Keane? Or "Love Song?" Or "Time of the Season?" Or last week's country ballad???) Randy was all "kinda a'ight" and Simon struggled as he praised Blake's sincerity while complaining that the performance was one-note and flat. Criminally, he blames the source material. "It's not a song you can belt." (Hey Simon, tell that to Patti LaBelle.)
A sign in the crowd says, "Neil George Salon HEARTS Blake," proving that it's not just corporate America using "Idol's" charity show to promote their brand — the audience is all too happy to do that too.
LAKISHA JONES
Song: Fantasia's "I Believe"
Verdict: Blaspheme!
So we go from the season-two finale to the season-three ender with KiKi stupidly choosing Fantasia's first single. I don't know about you guys, but watching 'Tasia's emotional post-win performance of this song with the confetti and the tears and the gospel choir was one of my all time favorite "Idol" moments. How is she going to top that? LaKisha chose poorly.
So, even though she didn't have a prayer, KiKi's rendition was still a hot mess of wails, squeals and shouts, no doubt inspiring home viewers to change the channel. Hopefully, they switched back in time to watch Paula's instantly classic (and EPIC) evaluation.
"There's no doubt about it. You are a, a, a powerhouse of a vocalist. You've taken on a monster of — like we say don't attempt Whitney. Don't attempt Chaka Khan. Don't attempt [her hands are on her temples like she's channeling Carnac the Magnificent] Mariah, Celine. Even though Fantasia's not been, she hasn't been around a long time, but she is so undeniably ... and wonderfully and magnificently ... unique. And I, I, I just, I have a hard time getting past Fantasia. [long pause] It doesn't mean, it doesn't take away from your vocals."
Paula, are you seriously going to straight up and tell me that your criticism "doesn't take away from [LaKisha's] vocals"?! Didn't you just spend an eternity complaining that she wasn't as good as Fantasia? Don't you remember, Paula? You said that, like 10 seconds ago. And then you strung together a bunch of crazy adverbs to describe 'Tasia and capped it off with "I can't get past her?" No? Not ringing a bell? I'm worried about you.
PHIL STACEY
Song: Garth Brooks' "The Change"
Verdict: A Broadway Flop
Now it's time for an "Idol" Recap Quiz. Don't worry. There are no wrong answers.
What aspect of Phil Stacey's segment bothered you the most?
A) He said he misses his two little babies. (Actions speak louder ...)
B) He named his daughter Mikalah.
C) He equated the heroism of the Oklahoma City rescue workers with people voting for a reality show.
D) His suit made him look like Jack Skellington.
E) Or maybe it was just his awkward and schmaltzy performance.
Whatever the case, the "Thank God I'm a Country Boy" Phil we met last week vanished, and in his place was the same old Broadway-bound hack. (Didn't this song sound like it should be at the end of Act I in some low-rent also-ran?) And for the zillionth time this season, Stacey looked annoyed that there was a camera in his face while singing.
Paula and Randy both lauded Country Phil's Triumphant Return. (What feed were they listening to?) But Simon agreed with me. "It wasn't country enough."
Know your audience and stick to it. Otherwise you'll be off this show quicker than you can say "WOOO." But, if you decide to embrace the Broadway Belter in you, I hear Mel Brooks is turning "Young Frankenstein" into a stage musical. You'd be perfect.
JORDIN SPARKS
Song: "You'll Never Walk Alone" from "Carousel"
Verdict: Sparks Barks
I really want to root for Jordin Sparks. Honestly. But I can't support her performance tonight. Was I the only one who heard flat notes, out-of-breath vocals, and an unbearably LOUD ending? KiKi may be the one getting flack for shouting, but Jordin's decibel level exceeded my eardrums' threshold for pain.
Judging from the audience (and judge) reaction, I may be in my own universe. Once the standing ovation settled, Randy puked up a frightening amount of hyperbole. "One of the best vocals, by any contestant on this show ever in six seasons!" Paula used the word "glorious" (in the right context too!) and Simon, normally the voice of reason, hopped aboard the Jordin Train of Over-Praise! (Anyone else think Simon was uncharacteristically kind all night? Maybe he felt bad being his usual nasty self during a night of charity?)
Jordin may have huffed and puffed and brought the house down, but I did. not. get. it.
The 17-year-old (17!!!, right Randy?) is just tickled by the praise. Tears well up, but thankfully Ryan "So Charitable I Glow" Seacrest saves the day yet again, by ripping off his necktie and offering it up as a snot rag.
I spy a few other crafty audience members. All American Gymnastics and a Fox affiliate from Milwaukee have their four seconds of signage fame. (Promote, promote, promote!) And strangely, one Jordin fan holds up a "Sparks" sign in front of a Sanjaya sign. Yep, like an accidental Sharpie mark on your favorite t-shirt, Sanjaya's the stain that won't go away.
High Note Of The Night
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to announce the return of Crazy Paula. She's been in hiding most of the season, but she returned tonight with a vengeance. From her "Fantasia" monologue, to her random "WOOOOO" (and subsequent uncomfortable silence) while Seacrest introduced Jordin Sparks, it was a busy night for the unhinged. Welcome home, Whackdul. We missed you.
Something Pitchy
I already addressed the first "Africa" video, which was edited so sloppily that when Simon says, "Just intolerable" you think he's talking about an African woman's leopard-print clothing. But interspersed throughout the evening were other video packages that explained where NewsCorps' $5 million was going. And they all had me feeling icky.
The second video introduced the poor U.S. communities that will benefit from our dialing. This one was less objectionable than the "Seacrest Exploits African Orphans" piece, but barely. As Ryan continued to rattle off more and more city names, I became overwhelmed and angry. Absent from this entire evening was the "so" connector. The attitude was very much, "We have food. They don't." But it should have been "We have food, so they don't." Not addressing the catastrophic income gap in a situation like this feels terribly disingenuous. And I'm bummed that "Idol" missed out on a huge opportunity to raise awareness of the real problem. (Also, it worries me that we're spreading the donation so thin. Each vote will bring a fraction of a cent to each location once you factor in all the name-checked U.S. cities and the vague "Africa.")
Plus — unfortunately because of poor writing — some of the taped pieces ended up being unintentionally hilarious. For example, Ryan introduced one segment by saying, "Sometimes the things that you can do to make a difference are really simple." Cut to Seacrest in (somewhere in) Africa, standing between a young child and a man holding a giant bowl of tiny bananas. Ryan takes three mini bananas and hands them over to the young boy, as if the kid couldn't just walk half a step and grab the fruit himself. So ... what is "Idol" saying exactly? That I, too, can charter a corporate jet to a developing nation? And then arbitrarily ration out food to children? I'm more confused than Paula at a Mensa meeting. (Don't even get me started on the final "Simon Grows a Heart at an L.A. Food Drive" taped piece, which featured yet another Coldplay song. Come on, "Idol." There's other melancholy music out there. Using such cliché songs makes you look like you put this show together in two hours.)
I know I'm being really tough on "Idol." But it's jarring for a show that often prides itself on being a spectacle (remember last year's sideshow-like finale?) to switch gears and expect us to believe that they're doing this for reasons other than great television and ratings. And considering these taped pieces were so carelessly slapped together, "Idol" didn't do much to prove me wrong.
Like I said in my intro, NewsCorp donating $5 million is a great thing, but they could (and should) be doing that on a regular basis, without getting a shout-out on national television. Likewise, if "Idol" really wanted to "Give Back," I have a feeling they could have done so without patting themselves on the back so much. And without that hideous logo.
Final Notes
So, at the end of the day, the show is a competition, right? Last week, I incorrectly assumed LaKisha was a goner but I can't imagine her surviving this week. The bigger question is will Blake wipe her tears like he did on last Wednesday's results show? And who will join her in the bottom three? And what's this "HUGE duet" Seacrest promised us?
If it ain't a Paula Abdul/ MC Skat Kat reunion, I ain't interested.
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