"Alexander" is a film about a man who wants to rule the world and spends his entire life trying to live up to his name, Alexander the Great. If you've seen the trailers, I'm sure you got a glimpse of a blond Colin Farrell battling some guy on an elephant. If you thought to yourself, "This is a movie I want to see," then you must be the kind of person who loved "Troy." The movie was campy and full of long monologues, and the action was over-the-top. I really could have done without all those close-ups of people being mutilated, and the horrific battle scenes were drawn out to a mind-numbing endlessness.
On a positive note, there are some babes in this movie, including Jonathan Rhys-Meyers ("Bend It Like Beckham") and Jared Leto. But on the other hand, these babes kept making goo-goo eyes at each other, which made me feel left out. The romance was not a female-friendly one. Alexander's blatant homosexuality was peppered by a brief wedding-night scene with Rosario Dawson. This movie had little that interested me except for the eye makeup the guys wore, which was incredible. I love the smoky-eye look.
- Basic Plot Description
- What was the best action sequence in the movie?
When the noble Alexander takes Persia, he starts off with the rally-the-troops, "you guys all kick ass for good reasons" speech to his men — it's cliché, but you can't begrudge its place in the film. After the pep talk, the coach blazes into a very bloody, very fun-to-watch battle scene in which you actually see the leader of the army (Alexander) lead his army, instead of telling them the game plan and then looking cool as he beats everyone's ass. My favorite part of the whole thing is when one of Alexander's men — I swear to you this is no joke — starts beating the enemies with two severed heads. Who can top that? Honestly, man, you gotta have some big bojangles to use your enemies' heads as a weapon.
- What was the most realistic scene in the film?
Alexander, the great king of all he sees, is still hounded by his mommy (who is hotter than all belief, by zee way).
- What was the most unrealistic scene?
Alexander has taken Persia, walks into a harem in his new residence and doesn't look twice at the hundred Persian girls at his disposal. This is supposed to be our great hero?
- How were the special effects in the movie?
The digital blood was a bit cheesy but fun to watch. Next time they shouldn't go as bright, since blood is a lot darker than the tangerine sprays of liquid shooting out of everyone in battle.
- Who do you bring to this movie?
Your parents, because people my age who do the things I do have attention spans waaaayyyy too short to watch a film like this. Parents can watch it and appreciate the dialogue, whereas me and my boys are looking for Alexander to take off the pink feather boa whenever he's not in battle.
- What were your favorite one-liners?
"Such a high ransom for nine month's lodging in the womb." — Alexander, referring to his mother's requests
- Things you liked about the movie
1. ANGELINA JOLIE
2. Alexander's father is always drunk and a jerk, so Alexander becomes king of everything and outshines him. People didn't wallow in self-pity in those days.
3. ROSARIO DAWSON
4. The sets and digital backgrounds were beautiful, not to mention the eagle flying through battle — very well done.
Alexander the Great fights homosexual tendencies as he takes over the world!
How did the trailer portray this movie? What did you expect?
The trailer was fairly accurate. You go in expecting your "Braveheart"-ish, "Gladiator"-type epic of violence and historical inaccuracies, and that's what you get — along with very pronounced homosexual undertones, which would have been just peachy, but I swear it must have been every five minutes that something was insinuated. For the sake of historical accuracy it would have made sense, but the way it was done was so shhhh, tee-hee, look at us, hint hint.
It is appropriate that Oliver Stone chose to title his epic "Alexander" and not "Alexander the Great." There are many adjectives that could have filled out the title of this lengthy and boring historical drama — "lengthy" and "boring," for instance — but "great" is not one of them. Stone has crafted a film in the mold of the worst director of all time, Edward D. Wood Jr.: passionately felt, poorly executed and, at times, unintentionally hilarious. The only difference is that Wood spent almost nothing on his films and Stone blew nearly $200 million on his.
The money is all up on the screen, though this wandering three-hour film still feels like it barely scratches the surface of the Alexander legend and suffers from a dismal, confusing structure. It kicks off with an interminable history lecture by Anthony Hopkins, who describes Alexander as "born from the loins of war." What does that even mean?
In one scene we see Alexander (Colin Farrell) disobey his father, King Philip (Val Kilmer), who disowns and exiles his son from the kingdom. Then Hopkins' narrator tells us that shortly thereafter, Philip was assassinated and Alexander became king. Isn't that the sort of mildly important plot point we should see? This missing scene is finally shown almost two hours later, and by that time it only serves to foul up the story's flow even further.
The only person who seems aware that she is at the service of a hopelessly lost cause is Angelina Jolie. Jolie sinks her teeth into the role, surrounding herself with snakes (in one scene, a snake even sits on her shoulder like a parrot) and screaming lines like "In my womb I carried my avenger! AAAAAAARGH!" with the over-the-top wickedness they deserve.
Alexander's deeds created a legend that has lasted more than two thousand years. Oliver Stone's "Alexander" is such a grandiose folly that it may live in Hollywood infamy for at least that long.
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